Posts by aliciadc

aliciadc

Nov 15, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Death of my grandmother changed me for better' - UF Freshman essay [2]

I wouldn't suggest it that you refer to God as a terrorist. Someone whose looking over your essay may take offense if they're religious of any sort.

- Also you repeated yourself with the phrase "On the morning of..." Maybe you can possibly link the two sentences together. Or by saying "That same morning at around 11 am..."

- Insert a comma after "by this, I swiftly made my way..."

- Overall, this is a great start of an essay.

aliciadc

Nov 15, 2012

Undergraduate / I've lived in a box my whole life. UC Undergraduate Essay [3]

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I've lived in a box my whole life. When I was a little girl my mother wasn't financially capable of raising my brother and me alone so we had to live in an old trailer that was parked in my grandparent's backyard. With a single parent's income, my mother could only get what help she could afford, which wasn't much. However, she still managed to provide for me and my brother.

Please help me with my essay, I do not know where to take it after this. I need a transition or something. I want to continue to talk about my family and how theyve influenced me and guided me to become the person I am today. How they've allowed me to metaphorically escape from this "box" of a world.