Honey Johri
Nov 29, 2012
Undergraduate / 'decisions concerning the DREAM Act' - COMMON APP Personal Statement [4]
goodn one in the land of US
goodn one in the land of US
Honey Johri
Nov 29, 2012
Undergraduate / My Dad always says "Hope for the best, but plan for the worst"; princeton supplement essay [3]
can anybody help me out here, it will be very appreciated
can anybody help me out here, it will be very appreciated
Honey Johri
Nov 28, 2012
Undergraduate / My Dad always says "Hope for the best, but plan for the worst"; princeton supplement essay [3]
as my first language is not English , i will need a lot of help to improve the essay.
1. is the essay too childish, because i think it is and it needs a lot of improvement. please help me do so.
2. any suggestions regarding the correction of misused grammar would be appreciated.
3. please also suggest how to improve the overall essay, like using high level of English, phrases, so on and so forth.
thanks in advance for the help. it means a lot to me.
Person who has influenced me in my Life:
When I think about the person who influenced my life the most, the first person that comes to my mind is - my Dad.
My Dad is a tall, cool, independent, hardworking and a very practical man; ready to accept change and alter state of mind according to any situation. He loves me a lot as every father and always remains strong by not showing his emotions.
He is full of fun, light hearted and always looking at the positive things in
life. He is not only a father to guide between the good and bad but also a good friend, a companion and above all my inspiration. I love to play a good game of Billiards with him whenever we go to the Club.
Whenever he leaves for his job, he says - "Do not go after marks, excel in whatever you are doing and the result will always be the best. Work hard and when I come back we will have fun." This has had a great impact on me. So when he is away - these words keep me going - all through the days; and I along with my family wait for his return.
Family is the first priority to him and he pleasures every moment with us. He is full of fun and jokes when he is around. I have lots of friends but I am much happier and relaxed when he is around. Whenever I speak to him on the phone I get mental strength and motivation. He always guides me through any situation, as he is a strong man-mentally and physically. He believes in practicing yoga and so do I, as I practice moments of solitude before the pressures of the day begin.
My Dad always says - "Hope for the best, but plan for the worst". This way one will not be afraid of anything, because your mind is already prepared for the worst, and you know how to handle the situation. He prepares me mentally to face any situation and also helps me maintain my body physique.
He works hard to manage people from different countries and sail high seas. Although it is a difficult job, I have seen him manage things in a relaxed way and to heights of perfection. He never seems tired and is always finished with his work before time. He is my source of inspiration, motivation. Everything I have been able to accomplish with regards to school, I have him to thank for. I think he is an asset to society, and I hope to be that too in time.
These values and examples have helped me a lot in my life, and they will surely do the same for the rest of it. Through him I have learned that progress in a man's life should never stop no matter at what position he is. Like a small minute seed grows into a large tree, it doesn't matter where you start from, but what matters the most is where you stand now with respect to where you started.
as my first language is not English , i will need a lot of help to improve the essay.
1. is the essay too childish, because i think it is and it needs a lot of improvement. please help me do so.
2. any suggestions regarding the correction of misused grammar would be appreciated.
3. please also suggest how to improve the overall essay, like using high level of English, phrases, so on and so forth.
thanks in advance for the help. it means a lot to me.
Person who has influenced me in my Life:
When I think about the person who influenced my life the most, the first person that comes to my mind is - my Dad.
My Dad is a tall, cool, independent, hardworking and a very practical man; ready to accept change and alter state of mind according to any situation. He loves me a lot as every father and always remains strong by not showing his emotions.
He is full of fun, light hearted and always looking at the positive things in
life. He is not only a father to guide between the good and bad but also a good friend, a companion and above all my inspiration. I love to play a good game of Billiards with him whenever we go to the Club.
Whenever he leaves for his job, he says - "Do not go after marks, excel in whatever you are doing and the result will always be the best. Work hard and when I come back we will have fun." This has had a great impact on me. So when he is away - these words keep me going - all through the days; and I along with my family wait for his return.
Family is the first priority to him and he pleasures every moment with us. He is full of fun and jokes when he is around. I have lots of friends but I am much happier and relaxed when he is around. Whenever I speak to him on the phone I get mental strength and motivation. He always guides me through any situation, as he is a strong man-mentally and physically. He believes in practicing yoga and so do I, as I practice moments of solitude before the pressures of the day begin.
My Dad always says - "Hope for the best, but plan for the worst". This way one will not be afraid of anything, because your mind is already prepared for the worst, and you know how to handle the situation. He prepares me mentally to face any situation and also helps me maintain my body physique.
He works hard to manage people from different countries and sail high seas. Although it is a difficult job, I have seen him manage things in a relaxed way and to heights of perfection. He never seems tired and is always finished with his work before time. He is my source of inspiration, motivation. Everything I have been able to accomplish with regards to school, I have him to thank for. I think he is an asset to society, and I hope to be that too in time.
These values and examples have helped me a lot in my life, and they will surely do the same for the rest of it. Through him I have learned that progress in a man's life should never stop no matter at what position he is. Like a small minute seed grows into a large tree, it doesn't matter where you start from, but what matters the most is where you stand now with respect to where you started.
Honey Johri
Nov 26, 2012
Undergraduate / common app relation career and courses [4]
Risk manager has to have technical knowledge by reading different subjects, economics etc, need to read a lot about other past failures in different companies and reason for that and also the successful businesses. Risk manager then can use his experience to evaluate the risk to put forward to the board. Hence your study should depend on the professional jobs by reading and talking to the professionals already working on them.
You can add this also.
Risk manager has to have technical knowledge by reading different subjects, economics etc, need to read a lot about other past failures in different companies and reason for that and also the successful businesses. Risk manager then can use his experience to evaluate the risk to put forward to the board. Hence your study should depend on the professional jobs by reading and talking to the professionals already working on them.
You can add this also.
Honey Johri
Nov 21, 2012
Undergraduate / Did my own coach had just invited me to cheat? ; Caltech / Ethical Dilemma [14]
dumi
the coach told me that u can do the same thing that the other boy had done. he invited me to submit falsified documents so as to gain as advantage by obtaining an entry into the lower age group tournament. he literally invited me to to that. and he did not requested me to do that. he said it as if it were a common thing that the boys do in the tournaments. he said "don't worry about your loss, you can do that too. and we will help u do so too." so the coach was the actual culprit as he was the one who encouraged the boys to do that sort of thing.
thanks for any help, but i think that still a lot of improvement is needed in this essay to make it worthy of Caltech
dumi
the coach told me that u can do the same thing that the other boy had done. he invited me to submit falsified documents so as to gain as advantage by obtaining an entry into the lower age group tournament. he literally invited me to to that. and he did not requested me to do that. he said it as if it were a common thing that the boys do in the tournaments. he said "don't worry about your loss, you can do that too. and we will help u do so too." so the coach was the actual culprit as he was the one who encouraged the boys to do that sort of thing.
thanks for any help, but i think that still a lot of improvement is needed in this essay to make it worthy of Caltech
Honey Johri
Nov 21, 2012
Undergraduate / Did my own coach had just invited me to cheat? ; Caltech / Ethical Dilemma [14]
can anybody help me out here, it will be very appreciated
can anybody help me out here, it will be very appreciated
Honey Johri
Nov 20, 2012
Undergraduate / I've lived in a box my whole life. UC Undergraduate Essay [3]
you have chosen a very good and viable topic for your essay. You can write a lot of things in this topic. Perhaps, you may write one more para to describe your community and school . After that you should write about how the community and your family supported you, despite the rough circumstances. like "my mother always supported my studies and did whatever she could to buy me books etc. so that I can become an educated and reputed person. " some instance like these would be fine in your essay. describe how your living conditions have shaped your dreams and so forth.
add all these things and you shall be set to go.
i can't any add more comments as you will first have to write something which can be further improved. i would suggest that u write an essay, no matter how bad it it is , at least once.
once written I can read it and suggest any further improvements. also it will be easy for you to improve your essay once all of it is in front of your eyes.
you have chosen a very good and viable topic for your essay. You can write a lot of things in this topic. Perhaps, you may write one more para to describe your community and school . After that you should write about how the community and your family supported you, despite the rough circumstances. like "my mother always supported my studies and did whatever she could to buy me books etc. so that I can become an educated and reputed person. " some instance like these would be fine in your essay. describe how your living conditions have shaped your dreams and so forth.
add all these things and you shall be set to go.
i can't any add more comments as you will first have to write something which can be further improved. i would suggest that u write an essay, no matter how bad it it is , at least once.
once written I can read it and suggest any further improvements. also it will be easy for you to improve your essay once all of it is in front of your eyes.
Honey Johri
Nov 20, 2012
Undergraduate / Did my own coach had just invited me to cheat? ; Caltech / Ethical Dilemma [14]
Yes he cheated on the age and although everybody including the coach, me and my parents knew about that , we could not do anything and I had to play the match. sorry, I repeated that sentence twice my mistake. I would not have done so in the essay to be sent.
thanks for your comments, I really appreciate it.
Please help me improving the overall essay as a whole. like I really liked the comment "soon got over it pardoned the unfair judgement". some more improvements through your valuable suggestions and I am all set. However, shouldn't the above statement be like this ::: "soon got over it and pardoned the boy" because there was no judgement at that point. all the thinking part was done after that.
Yes he cheated on the age and although everybody including the coach, me and my parents knew about that , we could not do anything and I had to play the match. sorry, I repeated that sentence twice my mistake. I would not have done so in the essay to be sent.
thanks for your comments, I really appreciate it.
Please help me improving the overall essay as a whole. like I really liked the comment "soon got over it pardoned the unfair judgement". some more improvements through your valuable suggestions and I am all set. However, shouldn't the above statement be like this ::: "soon got over it and pardoned the boy" because there was no judgement at that point. all the thinking part was done after that.
Honey Johri
Nov 20, 2012
Undergraduate / Did my own coach had just invited me to cheat? ; Caltech / Ethical Dilemma [14]
Thanks ah_zafari for your comments. I improved the essay per those, however my essay is still exceeding the word limit by about 300 characters. The character limit is 1300 and my essay is of almost 1600 characters. Also any further suggestions regarding the grammatical corrections and the improving overall essay as a whole are invited. I'd be surely grateful to all those who help.
2. is this essay ready to be submit. is it worth enough of top university like Caltech. If not how can I improve the overall essay as a whole.
Thanks in Advance.
Thanks ah_zafari for your comments. I improved the essay per those, however my essay is still exceeding the word limit by about 300 characters. The character limit is 1300 and my essay is of almost 1600 characters. Also any further suggestions regarding the grammatical corrections and the improving overall essay as a whole are invited. I'd be surely grateful to all those who help.
2. is this essay ready to be submit. is it worth enough of top university like Caltech. If not how can I improve the overall essay as a whole.
Thanks in Advance.
Honey Johri
Nov 19, 2012
Undergraduate / Did my own coach had just invited me to cheat? ; Caltech / Ethical Dilemma [14]
I have made some changes in the supplement essay, but I know that there is still a lot of work that needs to be done. any more constructive advice on how the improve that overall essay will be appreciated and i also welcome everybody to point out the grammatical mistakes. Thanks in advance.
also can anybody help me out in making this essay more concise, I am still exceeding the character limit by 300 characters.
Only in the third tournament of my tennis career, I reached the semi-finals. Unfortunately, I lost the semi - finals to a boy who was 13yrs of age and used falsified documents to obtain an entry into the U-10 tournament. However, I was not upset because I had lost a match, but because it was not a fair fight. The other person was 13 yrs of age and was playing U-10 matches. However, I got over it very quickly as I had not done anything wrong. In an amazing turn of events, in the award ceremony, my coach called me and invited me to cheat as the other boy had done I was struck back by the thought that my coach, the person with whom I had been training for the past one year was inviting me to cheat, and that too without any hesitation. I stood there, not a single word out of mouth. And without saying anything, I took my certificate and went back home. So, it was not only the boy was cheating but the coach too was fully supportive of the idea. I did not confront my coach for about a week after that, but thought deeply about what he had said. Many a times it occurred to me as a viable option too. However, each time my conscience overpowered those thoughts. I knew that one day, I will have to confront him again and answer. I only wished that when that day came, I would have enough strength to boldly say NO to my coach. And as a matter of fact I did confront him, and firmly stood on my point, 'No matter what the circumstances be, I shall not cheat'. Also after four years of hard work and dedication, I was able to defeat that boy with utmost confidence. I was more than happy that day for I had proved to my coach my abilities without the use of any unfair means.
I have made some changes in the supplement essay, but I know that there is still a lot of work that needs to be done. any more constructive advice on how the improve that overall essay will be appreciated and i also welcome everybody to point out the grammatical mistakes. Thanks in advance.
also can anybody help me out in making this essay more concise, I am still exceeding the character limit by 300 characters.
Only in the third tournament of my tennis career, I reached the semi-finals. Unfortunately, I lost the semi - finals to a boy who was 13yrs of age and used falsified documents to obtain an entry into the U-10 tournament. However, I was not upset because I had lost a match, but because it was not a fair fight. The other person was 13 yrs of age and was playing U-10 matches. However, I got over it very quickly as I had not done anything wrong. In an amazing turn of events, in the award ceremony, my coach called me and invited me to cheat as the other boy had done I was struck back by the thought that my coach, the person with whom I had been training for the past one year was inviting me to cheat, and that too without any hesitation. I stood there, not a single word out of mouth. And without saying anything, I took my certificate and went back home. So, it was not only the boy was cheating but the coach too was fully supportive of the idea. I did not confront my coach for about a week after that, but thought deeply about what he had said. Many a times it occurred to me as a viable option too. However, each time my conscience overpowered those thoughts. I knew that one day, I will have to confront him again and answer. I only wished that when that day came, I would have enough strength to boldly say NO to my coach. And as a matter of fact I did confront him, and firmly stood on my point, 'No matter what the circumstances be, I shall not cheat'. Also after four years of hard work and dedication, I was able to defeat that boy with utmost confidence. I was more than happy that day for I had proved to my coach my abilities without the use of any unfair means.
Honey Johri
Nov 19, 2012
Undergraduate / Did my own coach had just invited me to cheat? ; Caltech / Ethical Dilemma [14]
thanks for the advice. i know that my English is not good, but please can u help me out on improving this essay. although i don't know whether this has been used a lot of times or not but i can assure u that this is my original idea and was not copied from any other source. anyway plz help me out with improving this, it is really important for me. actually the problem is that we have to write our essay in only 1300 characters, so i cannot elaborate on any of the instances, and have to shorten everything up.
thanks in advance
thanks for the advice. i know that my English is not good, but please can u help me out on improving this essay. although i don't know whether this has been used a lot of times or not but i can assure u that this is my original idea and was not copied from any other source. anyway plz help me out with improving this, it is really important for me. actually the problem is that we have to write our essay in only 1300 characters, so i cannot elaborate on any of the instances, and have to shorten everything up.
thanks in advance
Honey Johri
Nov 19, 2012
Undergraduate / Did my own coach had just invited me to cheat? ; Caltech / Ethical Dilemma [14]
1. is this essay ready to go. if not how can i improve if further. if yes, how can it make it better.
2. is this essay too informal for a top university like Caltech.
3. please point out any grammatical errors, and any constructive suggestions on how to make the overall essay more flowery would be appreciated.
4. one last question. please suggest any ways possible on how to make this essay more concise. problem is that the character limit is only 1300, and i have already reached 1500 characters.
thanks in advance for the help.
I have been an avid tennis player since a very early age, and my passion for tennis has grown ever since. One of the memories associated with tennis that I reminisce the most is as follows:
Only in the third tennis tournament of my tennis career, I qualified almost all the rounds and reached the semi-finals of it. Unfortunately, I got to know from my peers that my next round was with a very experienced player, who had won numerous tournaments. As I approached the court, and met my adversary, I knew there was no way that guy was under 10, or perhaps under 12 even and I knew I was not going to play against him. After a heated discussion between the authorities and my parents, we found out that he was actually 13 years of age. As expected I lost to him. And the worst part was at the award ceremony, my coach called me and said, 'don't worry you can do that too. And we'll help you with it'. I was struck back. Those words are very much fresh in my memory today. Did my own coach had just invited me to cheat? Yeah, that was what had happened. At many times in my career I even thought of being a part of it, but somewhere deep within me a voice always roared, 'You will not be playing against kids, to be declared as winner. I forbid it.' And I am proud to say that till date I have not indulged myself in any such activity, be that in the domain of sports or anywhere else. As a matter of fact I did beat that kid, however 4 years of continual hard work in an U-16 tournament, and that match was the most memorable ever.
1. is this essay ready to go. if not how can i improve if further. if yes, how can it make it better.
2. is this essay too informal for a top university like Caltech.
3. please point out any grammatical errors, and any constructive suggestions on how to make the overall essay more flowery would be appreciated.
4. one last question. please suggest any ways possible on how to make this essay more concise. problem is that the character limit is only 1300, and i have already reached 1500 characters.
thanks in advance for the help.
I have been an avid tennis player since a very early age, and my passion for tennis has grown ever since. One of the memories associated with tennis that I reminisce the most is as follows:
Only in the third tennis tournament of my tennis career, I qualified almost all the rounds and reached the semi-finals of it. Unfortunately, I got to know from my peers that my next round was with a very experienced player, who had won numerous tournaments. As I approached the court, and met my adversary, I knew there was no way that guy was under 10, or perhaps under 12 even and I knew I was not going to play against him. After a heated discussion between the authorities and my parents, we found out that he was actually 13 years of age. As expected I lost to him. And the worst part was at the award ceremony, my coach called me and said, 'don't worry you can do that too. And we'll help you with it'. I was struck back. Those words are very much fresh in my memory today. Did my own coach had just invited me to cheat? Yeah, that was what had happened. At many times in my career I even thought of being a part of it, but somewhere deep within me a voice always roared, 'You will not be playing against kids, to be declared as winner. I forbid it.' And I am proud to say that till date I have not indulged myself in any such activity, be that in the domain of sports or anywhere else. As a matter of fact I did beat that kid, however 4 years of continual hard work in an U-16 tournament, and that match was the most memorable ever.