alilsushi
Nov 22, 2012
Undergraduate / Some issues of personal concern and its importance to you [3]
LSC33
They are scared of not being believed by a loved one or they are have no one to turn to because it is their loved one. So they hide their secret but that secret sometimes can eat away at a child. ---> these two sentences confused me a lot, you might want to express they in a clearer way
... help them get help before they grow up depressed---> maybe you want to replace one of the help with the word assist.
This course will help me understand how to help not only children but other people that suffer life changing events.---> same here
... I will also be able to better understand what is going on psychologically for them. ---> this sentence is awkward, write it in a more formal way.
This program will give me the strong analytical skills I need to give my services in diverse fields of work. ---> is not that it's illegal to use the same word twice in one sentence, but try to avoid it by using another term to better express your thoughts.
...be able to understand their psychological thoughts and the process they are having---> i guess
I really like your essay idea and your job, its something really nice and significant to become! Hope you will success with your dreams in the future.
Anyways back to the essay, it seems kind of sloppy and everywhere to me! If you can change some of your sentences to be more solid it would be wonderful.
And I am working on the same prompt too, thank you for your great example.
LSC33
They are scared of not being believed by a loved one or they are have no one to turn to because it is their loved one. So they hide their secret but that secret sometimes can eat away at a child. ---> these two sentences confused me a lot, you might want to express they in a clearer way
... help them get help before they grow up depressed---> maybe you want to replace one of the help with the word assist.
This course will help me understand how to help not only children but other people that suffer life changing events.---> same here
... I will also be able to better understand what is going on psychologically for them. ---> this sentence is awkward, write it in a more formal way.
This program will give me the strong analytical skills I need to give my services in diverse fields of work. ---> is not that it's illegal to use the same word twice in one sentence, but try to avoid it by using another term to better express your thoughts.
...be able to understand their psychological thoughts and the process they are having---> i guess
I really like your essay idea and your job, its something really nice and significant to become! Hope you will success with your dreams in the future.
Anyways back to the essay, it seems kind of sloppy and everywhere to me! If you can change some of your sentences to be more solid it would be wonderful.
And I am working on the same prompt too, thank you for your great example.