Broese
Dec 17, 2012
Writing Feedback / Teacher plays an essential and crucial role in the mental growth of a student: TOEFL [6]
overall pretty good. good luck
overall pretty good. good luck
Broese
Nov 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Describe the world you come from; UC promps - (subjects volleyball and computers) [7]
Can someone tell me what parts of the original #2 they like that I cut in the revised?
Can someone tell me what parts of the original #2 they like that I cut in the revised?
Broese
Nov 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Describe the world you come from; UC promps - (subjects volleyball and computers) [7]
and what parts of this revised #2 do you prefer and what parts should I resort back to the original?
Beads of sweat poured off my nose as I dropped to the ground after the sound of the final whistle. The September sun was brutal that afternoon. Its heat, coupled with the radiating artificial turf was a one-two punch. The heat alone would have been enough to bring me to the ground, but it was the combination of the workout just completed and the unbearable heat that consumed nearly every muscle in my body. My arms trembled and shook as I pushed myself off the ground. I could see that everyone else had stopped -- welcoming the final whistle. But I was determined to go the extra mile and all alone completed two more repetitions amidst my exhausted teammates.
I had been warned that high school volleyball conditioning would be extreme but, I had no idea what was store for me. Stairs would become mountains and the beach would become a desert as we trained for the upcoming season. It was certain that not everybody would be able to withstand the conditioning regimen and I wanted to be sure to make the team.
Each day was more difficult than the previous one and as the group of tryouts shrunk in gained confidence that I would indeed be up to the challenge. I began to embrace the challenges presented to me and to my astonishment I began to see the workouts as opportunities. Each day a chance to prove to myself that I was able to block out the pain and discomfort that came with the strenuous and at times unimaginable training sessions. At the end of which even putting on my backpack seemed a daunting task.
My soreness after each workout represented how much stronger I would become. My exhaustion indicated how much more endurance I would have. Becoming a better volleyball player meant enduring grueling training sessions and focusing on each exercise that would help me jump slightly higher, or hit the ball slightly harder. Any lack of effort in training could very well be the difference between blocking a ball and the ball slipping past my fingertips, between a point for our team and a point for the other team and ultimately between a win and a loss. Therefore, it became my mantra that each and every step, every pushup, and every jump I would take in training would make me a player and a better teammate.
Through my volleyball experience, I have discovered not only how to face a seemingly insurmountable physical challenge, but I also have learned to push myself academically. I now know that hard work, will power and perseverance can lead to the achievement of great things on and off the volleyball court.
and what parts of this revised #2 do you prefer and what parts should I resort back to the original?
Beads of sweat poured off my nose as I dropped to the ground after the sound of the final whistle. The September sun was brutal that afternoon. Its heat, coupled with the radiating artificial turf was a one-two punch. The heat alone would have been enough to bring me to the ground, but it was the combination of the workout just completed and the unbearable heat that consumed nearly every muscle in my body. My arms trembled and shook as I pushed myself off the ground. I could see that everyone else had stopped -- welcoming the final whistle. But I was determined to go the extra mile and all alone completed two more repetitions amidst my exhausted teammates.
I had been warned that high school volleyball conditioning would be extreme but, I had no idea what was store for me. Stairs would become mountains and the beach would become a desert as we trained for the upcoming season. It was certain that not everybody would be able to withstand the conditioning regimen and I wanted to be sure to make the team.
Each day was more difficult than the previous one and as the group of tryouts shrunk in gained confidence that I would indeed be up to the challenge. I began to embrace the challenges presented to me and to my astonishment I began to see the workouts as opportunities. Each day a chance to prove to myself that I was able to block out the pain and discomfort that came with the strenuous and at times unimaginable training sessions. At the end of which even putting on my backpack seemed a daunting task.
My soreness after each workout represented how much stronger I would become. My exhaustion indicated how much more endurance I would have. Becoming a better volleyball player meant enduring grueling training sessions and focusing on each exercise that would help me jump slightly higher, or hit the ball slightly harder. Any lack of effort in training could very well be the difference between blocking a ball and the ball slipping past my fingertips, between a point for our team and a point for the other team and ultimately between a win and a loss. Therefore, it became my mantra that each and every step, every pushup, and every jump I would take in training would make me a player and a better teammate.
Through my volleyball experience, I have discovered not only how to face a seemingly insurmountable physical challenge, but I also have learned to push myself academically. I now know that hard work, will power and perseverance can lead to the achievement of great things on and off the volleyball court.
Broese
Nov 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Describe the world you come from; UC promps - (subjects volleyball and computers) [7]
thank you. What do you think of this revised version of #1
"When Nick isn't slaying dragons and curing cancer he builds computers," my friend replied jokingly to an interviewer from the school newspaper. Although I may never need to slay a dragon or be able to find the cure for cancer, I do hope that by pursuing my passion for technology, I will be able to harness its power to improve the daily lives of many others.
My mother's photo album has a picture of me when I was just two years old, sitting on my grandfather's lap, calculator in hand, playing a computer game that asked basic addition and subtraction problems. My grandfather helped me use the calculator to solve each problem. Fascinated by the technology and curious as to how the computer works, by the age of four I could identify several basic parts of computers and understood how they functioned. I grew up managing my six-gigabyte hard drive, installing and uninstalling hundreds of different programs as my interests evolved. Sadly, my grandfather passed away several years later, but he had already passed along his passion for technology to me.
Fortunately, my uncles shared my grandfather's passion and both of them are accomplished electrical engineers. Therefore, I looked forward to my family gatherings knowing I would hear and learn more about the projects they were working on. By the summer preceding my junior year, I was ready for a project of my own -- I had outgrown my six-gigabyte hard drive and needed a new computer and instead of simply buying a new machine, I decided to build one. My goal was to design a computer that would not only fit my needs, but would be built to last and stay within my budget.
After weeks of research I ordered the parts and put my skills to the test. I am happy to say that not only did I stay within my budget but at this very moment I am using my dream computer to help me with my college applications. Furthermore, by re-using some of the spare parts from my old computer, I was able to help my younger brother Tanner build a computer of his own.
If he were alive today, I am sure that my grandfather would be proud to see that the passion that he helped spark has not only grown within me, but has become something that I also enjoy sharing with others. I am motivated by the prospects of having a career someday that will allow me to not only use my technical skills but also to share the joy I find in helping others. And who knows? Perhaps one day, I will not only use the computers that I build to slay dragons, I may indeed be able to use them to help others find a cure cancer.
thank you. What do you think of this revised version of #1
"When Nick isn't slaying dragons and curing cancer he builds computers," my friend replied jokingly to an interviewer from the school newspaper. Although I may never need to slay a dragon or be able to find the cure for cancer, I do hope that by pursuing my passion for technology, I will be able to harness its power to improve the daily lives of many others.
My mother's photo album has a picture of me when I was just two years old, sitting on my grandfather's lap, calculator in hand, playing a computer game that asked basic addition and subtraction problems. My grandfather helped me use the calculator to solve each problem. Fascinated by the technology and curious as to how the computer works, by the age of four I could identify several basic parts of computers and understood how they functioned. I grew up managing my six-gigabyte hard drive, installing and uninstalling hundreds of different programs as my interests evolved. Sadly, my grandfather passed away several years later, but he had already passed along his passion for technology to me.
Fortunately, my uncles shared my grandfather's passion and both of them are accomplished electrical engineers. Therefore, I looked forward to my family gatherings knowing I would hear and learn more about the projects they were working on. By the summer preceding my junior year, I was ready for a project of my own -- I had outgrown my six-gigabyte hard drive and needed a new computer and instead of simply buying a new machine, I decided to build one. My goal was to design a computer that would not only fit my needs, but would be built to last and stay within my budget.
After weeks of research I ordered the parts and put my skills to the test. I am happy to say that not only did I stay within my budget but at this very moment I am using my dream computer to help me with my college applications. Furthermore, by re-using some of the spare parts from my old computer, I was able to help my younger brother Tanner build a computer of his own.
If he were alive today, I am sure that my grandfather would be proud to see that the passion that he helped spark has not only grown within me, but has become something that I also enjoy sharing with others. I am motivated by the prospects of having a career someday that will allow me to not only use my technical skills but also to share the joy I find in helping others. And who knows? Perhaps one day, I will not only use the computers that I build to slay dragons, I may indeed be able to use them to help others find a cure cancer.
Broese
Nov 30, 2012
Undergraduate / 'sports analytics' - UC Prompt 1 "My World" [8]
I like the Idea but try to show things by providing specific examples rather than just telling things about you. Maybe put an example of an article you wrote? just an idea I'm not an expert.
I like the Idea but try to show things by providing specific examples rather than just telling things about you. Maybe put an example of an article you wrote? just an idea I'm not an expert.
Broese
Nov 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Describe the world you come from; UC promps - (subjects volleyball and computers) [7]
Thanks yeah I realized that something of that magnitude seemed like it didn't fit well when I wrote it.
Thanks yeah I realized that something of that magnitude seemed like it didn't fit well when I wrote it.
Broese
Nov 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Describe the world you come from; UC promps - (subjects volleyball and computers) [7]
Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
"When Nick isn't slaying dragons and curing cancer he builds computers," my friend replies jokingly to the school newspaper interviewer. Although I will likely never slay a dragon or cure cancer, I hope that my fascination in technology will one day lead me to contribute significantly to the world.
When I was only two I would sit on my grandfathers lap and play an old 8-bit side scrolling computer game which asked basic addition and subtraction problems. He helped me use a calculator to solve each problem I was fascinated by the technology and became curious of how it worked. By the age of four I could identify several basic parts of computers and their function. I managed my six gigabyte hard drive installing and uninstalling hundreds of different programs. My grandfather passed away several years later but he had instilled in me a passion for technology which burns more brightly each day.
Each year I would look forward to my family gatherings for various holidays because I couldn't wait to hear about all the things my two electrical engineer uncles were working on. I yearned for day when I too could create something that changes the world. The summer preceding my junior year I decided to put my knowledge of computers to the test. First I decided to transfer an old computer to a new case. I disassembled the entire computer piece by piece taking careful note of how each part interacts, reassembled everything in the new case, plugged in the power cord, and pressed the power button. It worked. I knew I needed a new computer and now I knew I could build one. I began researching the parts I would use. I spent several weeks evaluating exactly what I would need to build a computer that fit my needs and last as long as possible under my budget. I then ordered the parts and built the computer of my dreams. My confidence in my computer knowledge growing, I built my brother a fast computer as well by salvaging a majority of the parts from old computers.
This passion in technology has motivated me throughout my education as every bit of information could be essential and allow me to amount to something vastly greater than myself. I have worked to pursue greater knowledge of technology and hope to take this knowledge to the next level in my college studies. Who knows, maybe I will one day discover a cure for cancer or something of that magnitude.
Prompt 2:Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Beads of sweat rolled off my nose as I forced myself to the ground after the sound of the final whistle. The September sun emitted an unforgiving heat that radiated from the turf as well. The odor of recycled water filled my nostrils. The small black pellets scorched the palms of my hands, the pain of which escaped me, replaced by more intense pain that consumed nearly every muscle in my body. My arms throbbed and shook as I made another push off the ground. That marked the tenth whistle of the final set but, I and many others were unable to keep pace with the whistle. Everyone else stopped, regardless of completion. However, that option did not appeal to me. I pushed on through my final two repetitions alone, rolled on my back, and began gasping for air. I had been warned of volleyball conditioning's extreme difficulty but, I had no idea what difficulties were in store, no idea that the stairs would become a mountain when I climbed back up. Soon after we began I realized that I had never before faced such an extremely physical challenge having mistakenly taking P.E in ninth grade fifteen pushups was all that was ever asked. The challenge I had begun would be difficult, but I was willing to climb to the summit of Mt. Everest to become a part of the team.
To my astonishment I completed the entire workout of which fifty pushups were the easier half. I struggled to my feet and gathered for a cheer. I barely had the strength to raise my arms and gasped for air to cheer a "Redondo." Even putting on my backpack was a daunting task as my arms, now nearly immobile, unable to bend even ninety degrees. Yet I knew I merely scratched the surface, but I was ready to embrace the challenge.
Each week was harder than the last but regardless of the challenge I always completed it ignoring the pain which consumed my body. I did not see the pushups, weightlifting, and plyometrics as something I was forced to suffer through in order to play on the RUHS volleyball team, but rather an opportunity to get better. My extreme soreness after each workout represented how much stronger I would become. My exhaustion indicated how much more endurance I would have. Becoming a better volleyball player meant grueling training. Each exercise would help me jump slightly higher, or hit the ball slightly harder. Any lack of effort could be the difference between blocking a ball and the ball brushing against my fingertips, between a point for our team and a point for the other, between a win and a loss, second place and the championship. I knew each and every step, every pushup, and every jump I would make myself that much better, that I was doing everything in my power to become the best I could and to make our team the best.
Junior year I decided that I would create an even greater challenge for myself. I would not only participate in the school volleyball workouts next year, but I would also push myself even harder by also joining a club volleyball team thus increasing my workouts from two to five times a week. Senior year I began weightlifting on my own four times a week on top of my previous commitments, trying to gain even the slightest advantage on my competition. Through my volleyball experience, I have discovered not only how to face an insurmountable challenge, but I also have learned to push myself beyond what seems possible. Hard work, sheer will power, and perseverance are tied to achievement of great things.
also I need to cut 35 words so if you see something i could cut let me know.
Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
"When Nick isn't slaying dragons and curing cancer he builds computers," my friend replies jokingly to the school newspaper interviewer. Although I will likely never slay a dragon or cure cancer, I hope that my fascination in technology will one day lead me to contribute significantly to the world.
When I was only two I would sit on my grandfathers lap and play an old 8-bit side scrolling computer game which asked basic addition and subtraction problems. He helped me use a calculator to solve each problem I was fascinated by the technology and became curious of how it worked. By the age of four I could identify several basic parts of computers and their function. I managed my six gigabyte hard drive installing and uninstalling hundreds of different programs. My grandfather passed away several years later but he had instilled in me a passion for technology which burns more brightly each day.
Each year I would look forward to my family gatherings for various holidays because I couldn't wait to hear about all the things my two electrical engineer uncles were working on. I yearned for day when I too could create something that changes the world. The summer preceding my junior year I decided to put my knowledge of computers to the test. First I decided to transfer an old computer to a new case. I disassembled the entire computer piece by piece taking careful note of how each part interacts, reassembled everything in the new case, plugged in the power cord, and pressed the power button. It worked. I knew I needed a new computer and now I knew I could build one. I began researching the parts I would use. I spent several weeks evaluating exactly what I would need to build a computer that fit my needs and last as long as possible under my budget. I then ordered the parts and built the computer of my dreams. My confidence in my computer knowledge growing, I built my brother a fast computer as well by salvaging a majority of the parts from old computers.
This passion in technology has motivated me throughout my education as every bit of information could be essential and allow me to amount to something vastly greater than myself. I have worked to pursue greater knowledge of technology and hope to take this knowledge to the next level in my college studies. Who knows, maybe I will one day discover a cure for cancer or something of that magnitude.
Prompt 2:Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Beads of sweat rolled off my nose as I forced myself to the ground after the sound of the final whistle. The September sun emitted an unforgiving heat that radiated from the turf as well. The odor of recycled water filled my nostrils. The small black pellets scorched the palms of my hands, the pain of which escaped me, replaced by more intense pain that consumed nearly every muscle in my body. My arms throbbed and shook as I made another push off the ground. That marked the tenth whistle of the final set but, I and many others were unable to keep pace with the whistle. Everyone else stopped, regardless of completion. However, that option did not appeal to me. I pushed on through my final two repetitions alone, rolled on my back, and began gasping for air. I had been warned of volleyball conditioning's extreme difficulty but, I had no idea what difficulties were in store, no idea that the stairs would become a mountain when I climbed back up. Soon after we began I realized that I had never before faced such an extremely physical challenge having mistakenly taking P.E in ninth grade fifteen pushups was all that was ever asked. The challenge I had begun would be difficult, but I was willing to climb to the summit of Mt. Everest to become a part of the team.
To my astonishment I completed the entire workout of which fifty pushups were the easier half. I struggled to my feet and gathered for a cheer. I barely had the strength to raise my arms and gasped for air to cheer a "Redondo." Even putting on my backpack was a daunting task as my arms, now nearly immobile, unable to bend even ninety degrees. Yet I knew I merely scratched the surface, but I was ready to embrace the challenge.
Each week was harder than the last but regardless of the challenge I always completed it ignoring the pain which consumed my body. I did not see the pushups, weightlifting, and plyometrics as something I was forced to suffer through in order to play on the RUHS volleyball team, but rather an opportunity to get better. My extreme soreness after each workout represented how much stronger I would become. My exhaustion indicated how much more endurance I would have. Becoming a better volleyball player meant grueling training. Each exercise would help me jump slightly higher, or hit the ball slightly harder. Any lack of effort could be the difference between blocking a ball and the ball brushing against my fingertips, between a point for our team and a point for the other, between a win and a loss, second place and the championship. I knew each and every step, every pushup, and every jump I would make myself that much better, that I was doing everything in my power to become the best I could and to make our team the best.
Junior year I decided that I would create an even greater challenge for myself. I would not only participate in the school volleyball workouts next year, but I would also push myself even harder by also joining a club volleyball team thus increasing my workouts from two to five times a week. Senior year I began weightlifting on my own four times a week on top of my previous commitments, trying to gain even the slightest advantage on my competition. Through my volleyball experience, I have discovered not only how to face an insurmountable challenge, but I also have learned to push myself beyond what seems possible. Hard work, sheer will power, and perseverance are tied to achievement of great things.
also I need to cut 35 words so if you see something i could cut let me know.