This is a first draft. All critiques are appreciated and considered.
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
My World
I come from a world of questions.
From a very early age, I have been taught to question, to question the world around me: what are things made of, how did they get there, what is their purpose. From as early as I can remember, I've been taught to observe and investigate the world around me. Growing up, my parents always showed me that answers were available. And later, I realized there were tools to be used to answer questions. Tools like the internet, books and other materials. When I couldn't get others to answer my questions, I learned to go to these tools. Late at night, I would try to find the answers to such questions as how our healthcare works, why Israel and Palestine have a history of conflict and whether or not global warming is a real threat to our future.
Researching became what I was good at and I became very knowledge because of it. Whenever my friends had questions of their own, I would be the person they would go to to find answers. But researching wasn't enough for me. I had to be an analyzer and come up with opinions of my own. Because of this, I developed an interest in sports analytics, and I began analyzing players' statistics and effectiveness. And later, I became a writer for my High School Newspaper. This gave me an opportunity to impart my knowledge and opinions on a wide variety of topics, and in doing so, inform others. Questioning at such a young age had taught me to become an informer.
Though my world taught me to be a questioner, it also taught me to be an answerer, a researcher, an analyzer, an independent thinker and an informer. No matter what career I choose, my world will have had some influence into how I answer future questions.
Your topic is good, but it your second paragraph, the first sentence is wrong. It should say "knowledgable" instead of "knowledge".
I found this essay to be a bit redundant--I was overwhelmed with the words "research" and "question."
Although it is getting really close to the UC Application deadline (Ahhhhhh!), you should really take a long and analytical look at your life and see what really defines your world. I don't think that anyone can actually say that their world is entirely dominated by research and answering questions.
Ask yourself:
"Where do I come from?"
"How has my family shaped me?"
"What is my school life like?"
I feel that this essay is rushed. You really have to take your time and really think about your life before you end up submitting a personal statement that you know in your heart does not represent who you truly are.
Here are some resource that will assist you in coming up with a strong topic and will lift some of the burden off of your shoulders (they definitely helped me calm down when I was writing my personal statements).
admissions.sa.ucsb.edu/Pdf/PersonalStatement.pdf
personalstatementblueprint.com/uc-prompt-examples/
powayusd.com/pusdwvhs/Counseling/Presentations/Seminar4a-PersonalStatement.pdf
Best,
Marisa
My honest answer- it started out strong but i forgot what i was reading about towards the end. but this is easy to fix! just add a little spicy, put some of yourself into your writing. if you have extra words go into greater detail about what inspired you to look into sports and how thats influenced you today. this essay has great potential just don't forget about yourself.
Thanks for the input. This is by far not my final draft and I know I can do better, but I feel like the idea of transitioning from a questioner to an answerer to a researcher/analyzer to an informer is good. I just got to keep working on it.
Look at my other essays if you have the chance.
Beginning was great, just fix the ending. Bring out more of yourself!
This is a really nice essay but I feel like you need to expand on your life. Really think about what defines you.
I like the Idea but try to show things by providing specific examples rather than just telling things about you. Maybe put an example of an article you wrote? just an idea I'm not an expert.
