Writing Feedback / Expository Essay: War, good or bad? [3]

Hi there. I had another English assignment and was wondering if I could get some editing--if you don't mind that is.

This is an expository essay on War. I'm not too sure about the title though as we have to write about Henry IV--an anti war or a pro war?

Heres the essay:

Militaristic Hotspur vs. Pacifist Bolingbroke

Honour; dictionary.com defines it as "high respect, as for worth, merit, or rank." It takes many years to earn honour, but it also takes less than a minute to shatter that same honour. Similarly, King Henry IV, by William Shakespeare, deals with honour and examines both, anti-war as well as pro-war.

First, King Henry does not want the war as he has just taken over the throne from Richard II which involved a brutal and deadly civil battle. So, King Henry tries to settle their differences without going to war right before it by talking to Worcester and asks him if he will "unknit this churklish knot of all-abhorred war." (V, i, 16-17) This is a metaphor which states King Henry asking Worcester if he will settle the differences that are between Hotspur and the King so there would be no casualties, no catastrophes and no war. This demonstrates that King Henry is the pacifist type as he is "opposition to war or violence" and concludes as Henry IV being an anti-war.

On the other hand, we have the brave-but hot-headed-Hotspur who is prepared to march his forces against the King at any given time and any given location. This demonstrates that Hotspur is the militaristic type as he has "strong military spirit or policy." We see Hotspur's hastiness when he "must leave [...] within [...] two hours" (II, iii, 38-39) after reading an anonymous letter. This hastiness of Hotspur, costs him his life and the war in Act V, iv when he finally rests in peace. Thus, this demonstrates a pro-war.

Third, Prince Hal is also the militaristic type-just like Hotspur-as he wants to earn pride and honour so he can successfully inherit the throne and make his father, King Henry IV, proud. When Prince Hal and Hotspur engage in a furious battle, Prince Hal will take "all the budding honours on thy chest and crop to make a garland for my head." (V, iv, 74-75) Prince Hal is suggesting that he will take Hotspur's honour by defeating him and will figuratively crown himself with it so he can earn two things: pride and honour from defeating one of the most brilliant soldiers in the opposition army. Thus, the war creates a new Prince as he gains honour and deals with one of the themes of this play which is coming of age as the Prince evolves from being a "a scourge" (III, ii, 7) for the King to someone who will "die a hundred thousand deaths ere break the smallest parcel of this vow." (III, ii, 159-60)

In conclusion, King Henry IV, by William Shakespeare, deals with honour and examines both, anti-war as well as pro-war. King Henry IV also examines the evolution that the Prince undergoes. War is not good or bad. It's the purpose behind the war that determines whether its good or bad.

Writing Feedback / he crowd is roaring and yelling, "Go WIZ"; Narrative Essay / The Wiz [2]

Hi there. I was very happy with the editing I received last time so I came back again =D.

This is a narrative essay that I came up with. We have to make a story and incorporate this line and this idea in it: "Faith carries us through difficulties."

The bracket stuff is just to explain what it means; not in the actual part of essay.

The Wizz

It is 1:30 PM; Saturday afternoon. The crowd is roaring and yelling, "Go WIZ." The sun is shining like the diamonds of Shah-Jahan (famous emperor of India in ancient times; simile), the birds are chirping and Gatorade is dripping off my face. As everyone yells, "good job WIZ, you're the man," I pass out and as my sneakers make the creaking sound, I fall...

I'm Bali, Bali Aster. I'm 6"2, brown hair with black streaks, and have a fairly good build. I'm a regular in the Tennis club here at McInnis Secondary. A regular means you're one of the best in the club along with seven other members as the team consists of eight members. Although I don't want to brag, I would say that I'm the second best tennis player in the club and on the team, next to our captain: Jazzle Mayway. My nickname is "the wiz" as I use intelligence as well tennis skills to defeat my opponents. My tennis is called "data tennis," because I collect data on my opponents and defeat them as I conquer their weaknesses.

"Yo Wiz, check this out," the coach said as he hands me the paper.

'A NEW WIZ IS BORN. IS THIS THE END OF BALI ASTER?' I saw the big, black and bold headline on The Sports Chronicles newspaper and as I gazed at it, I automatically knew one thing: Someone who can be in the Sports Chronicles isn't just anyone. I knew a man of his superiority would face me in the Prefectural Tournament. The Prefectural Tournament is a tournament where all the best tennis players face off and compete for a prize of honour and pride as they receive the best tennis player of the year award. I knew I had to get off my butt and train like I've never trained before.

15 days later

On a rainy night, as I was jogging down the road, The Sports Chronicles accidentally hit my face. As soon as I saw it, shivers of excitement chilled down my back. 'WIZ vs WIZ in 5 days, WHO WILL PREVAIL? THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS. I looked at it and cupped my fists as tight as I could and yelled... "IT'S ON BABY!"

5 days later

It's finally here. The judgment day that I trained each and every part of my body for.

"PREFECTURAL TOURNAMENT ROUND 1 BEGINS. McInnis Secondary's BALI ASTER TO SERVE," the referee yelled.

I took a deep breath, raised my racket, served and predicted where he would return my serve. Left back 91%, I said to myself. I quickly went to the back on the left side but the next thing I saw was his racket raised up in front of my face. In a second...the return was already returned and all I could see was his racket in my face. Fast, I thought to myself. That wasn't the case though, the main thing was that he out-predicted me. A tough opponent, a challenging opponent. No, a worthy opponent is what I should be saying. This is going to be one interesting match. After 3 more serves...the referee yelled the score.

"1-0 for Johnston Secondary's Freddy Frasco"

Calm down I said to myself. It's not over. I want to finish this quick so I went to my final move: Data Tennis.

"Johnston Secondary's Freddy Frasco to serve"

He serves and I quickly predicted his move to the right corner at 98% probability. I was correct! I quickly paced myself over there and returned it with a backhand that got me a point. Throughout the game, I noticed that the only way Freddy plays is using his predicting skills. So most of the times, he just fluked out. "He isn't a real WIZ like I am," I thought to myself. The game ended in my favour of 6-1. I just rememberd that I was getting panicked for no reason. I had to have faith in myself as faith carries us through difficulties.

I kind of don't know how to end it. I'm not really good at conclusions. Also, where would it be a good place to introduce that I'm panicking as I didn't show that yet. Thank-you very much for any help.

mSaKooL

Poetry / Foxhole, Bloodshed - Some poems help [2]

Hey there. I was wondering if someone can edit/review these poems for me please!

Foxhole

Zigzag like the Nile.
Garbage in a small bin.
Secure by the parados,
but only by the rear.
Surrounded by ketchup.
Geography of the Trenches.

Lines.
Front and support.
Attacked by the paper balls and fortress built. <- (is that a good metaphor for: "bombarding and barraging?")
Reserve.
Watching, waiting, and entertained by the overflowing tea-pots.
Rest.
Enjoying the luxurious gravel like a soccer ball on turf.
Life in the Trenches.

Weapons.
Pencil and staples.
domination.
Odor and sight like dead ats on a sunny hot day,
chlorine gas neutralized. <- (does the dead rats work w/ the chlorine gas?)
Maxine and Vickers,
adequate.
Lee and Ross,
not so much.
Warfare in the Trenches.

Casualties.
Sanitary conditions poor.
Reek of the rotting sandbags, rotting corpses, lingering odor poison gas.
Chatting; pyrexia or trench fever.
Machine guns,
slaughter.
Left in no man's land...
Death in the Trenches.

The Bloodshed began.

For that one, my teacher said I needed more figuarative language and 5-sense detail. I just need someone to edit/review it and see if it's okay (like the metaphors and everything) and then I'll try to add more. Thank you.

2nd poem:
Sand

Sand;
I held it,
brown granny granular.
Danced in my hand.

Butterfly;
Yellow sunlight
Brown cinnamon bun.
Danced in my hand.

I open my hand...

My palm with long brown lines
I kind of don't know how to end it. I just stop there after my palm. Any help would be appreciated. Thank-you.

3rd poem/haiku:
With large and big buns,
The meat was tender and fresh.
McDonald's Big Mac.
For the haiku, I kind of don't know how to add 5-sense detail and figurative language as it's limited to a number of syllables.

Any help on either of the poems would be greatly appreciated. Thank-you very much.

Writing Feedback / Essay on poem: "The Possibilities of Invention" [5]

Hey there, I would really appreciate it someone can edit this and provide me with some feedback.

It's on this poem:

The Possibilities of Invention

My first pair of glasses were pink plastic frosted frames.
I wore them bravely throughout seventh grade
until i got braces.
Then I switched to metal--small oval granny rims
that clashed with the Mexican silver neck rings
I would around my neck.
I seemed to need the armor,
a girl with good eyes but poor vision,
I could see what others couldn't:
the treachery of cheerleaders
rallying the masses to their cause,
the popular elections rigged
by petty dictators who demanded
conformity even from the lowliest worm burrowed in books.
A correctable situation.
Nothing terminal.
The optometrist pronounced
when the big letter E got swallowed
into the white wall of his office
and the optometrist himself,
in a blizzard of light,
loomed like the Abominable Snowman
and I couldn't see my own ten fingers
stretched out in front of me.
Near-sighted, I wanted to see far,
beyond the static chatter
cluttering my view.
But distance was destroyed
without the curved aid of glass
ground and measured to guide in
the correct path of light.
A path framed in frosted pink plastic
I was prescribed to follow.
I preferred the whirling blur
of the nearly blind--
was it legal?--
the stunning dizziness I achieved
when I lost the clear evidence of things material
to edges that merged and gave off
dangerous smoke: the possibilities of invention.
Shapes shifted so that the familiar
opened bright holes that let in all the light.
Rivalry between forms diminished.
Clouds revealed their identity
only when I chose to touch them
or reluctantly put on my glasses--
when burnished liquor of fur became wood,
a table and chair;
when a column of chilled air
became glass, a common vase;
when the phenomenon in the mirror
yielded disappointment--
my own stunning unspectacular face.

-Cathy Song

Phew, long poem, here is my response/essay:
It's more like a literary paragraph.

Truth of the Naked Eye

"The Possibilities of Invention," by Cathy Song uses symbolism to develop the characteristics of the speaker, as well as her conflict. First, the speaker states that her "first pair of glasses were pink plastic frosted frames," (1) which symbolize the truth that she scrutinizes her life. It also connotes childhood as it's "cute." Second, the speaker switches to "small oval granny rims" (7), undergoing a transformation, she seemed to "need the armor." (7) Metaphorically speaking, the armor gives the speaker a broader and a deeper perspective, allowing her to see things above, and beyond the sight of others such as when she can see "the treachery of cheerleaders." (10) Finally, her desire to "see far" (25) is an internal conflict that symbolizes obstacles and is fighting with herself. The theme is that sometimes the truth cannot be seen by the naked eye but only by the ________________ (I have no idea how to finish that; help?) Evidence here. Another theme is that "obstacles are another way of motivating you and accomplishing what you want even more. As the speaker struggles with herself, the obstacle she encounters gives her more courage to accomplish the thing she wants-which is her desire to see. In conclusion, the "Possibilities of Invention," by Cathy Song uses symbolism to develop the characteristics of the speaker as well as her conflict.

Any help is highly appreciated. Thanks a lot. Especially my thesis and conclusion. The always seem to be weak. Thanks again.