Posts by kethsaxena

kethsaxena

Dec 30, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS:should both parents go to work or not? [6]

i am not aware of IELTS scoring rubrik but guessing it will be similar to other standardized test's scoring patter, particularly GRE. 4 though u r examples are extremely valid and to a certain sophisticated but not complex enough to warrant a 6. grammatical errors are few and thought process is amazing!

kethsaxena

Dec 30, 2012

Writing Feedback / GRE-ARGUMENT- Prunty County should undertake the same kind of road improvement [2]

2-3/6 a lot of grammatical mistakes that is inhibiting the flow that a reading piece establishes, as I try to engage and re-engage in it. sooo

kethsaxena

Dec 16, 2012

Writing Feedback / GRE ANALYTICAL-relationships can only develop after a CONFLICT [2]

Issue:Some people believe that strong relationships can only develop after conflict and resolution gave enabled the partners to speak openly and trust deeply.Others believe that each conflict creates rifts in a relationship that can never be repaired, weakening its foundation.

Please rate the essay out of 6 and help me improve upon it!

Response

"A sanguine person sees the glass half full, rather than half empty!". It would be very convenient for anybody to identify the human's innate tendency to engulf themselves in conflicts as the primal cause of all the distress in their life. However, since it is nature that has deigned the edifice of conflicts in our lives then it may veritably have some purpose in our lives, which a lot of us may fail to embrace.

Conflicts occur because of entities at odds. If we want things to move forward to something fruitful, then we would want to to do away with these trivialities impeding us from coming to a consensus. However, if we wouldn't have any conflicts the it would be apparently difficult to identify these differences and things would stall and eventually fall apart due to the apathy that will creep into our minds.

Another interesting aspect of human proclivity is that, more often than not, is to not appreciate certain things in life until it is lost. "The grass on the other side always appears greener" and with conflicts sometimes de voiding people of some of the most intimate elements in life makes them realize the importance of what they have now lost!

Although conflicts is not a panacea for people to settle their differences and it is certainly not the only way people can come to accord. For example, sometimes it is easier for us to share our points of concern with our friends than anybody else. However other times, until there is some heated exchange of words things do not come to an understanding. However, the important thing is that we are eventually we are able to settle our differences, even though sometimes through certain difficult paths.

Thus I firmly believe in this cycle of incessant "construction and re-construction". This way we are always engaged in evolving our personalities and removing those barriers that obstruct us from creating a truly humane society!

kethsaxena

Dec 16, 2012

Graduate / Post grad: Biotechnology Personal statement [2]

Overall I am very impressed with your skillful use of vocabulary, the flow of the essay, and the specifics you have included; to put forward your case. But there are certain areas where you are just trying too hard.

For ex

"Perhaps, I can contribute a lot in the amelioration of the plight of these distressed communities, thus my interest in Biotechnology blossomed."

I would just prune it down to-" I can help ameliorate the plight of these communities.

"Although at that time, I was yet to to grasp the significance of my observations in a poultry farm" the "to" thats occurring twice. i guess proofreading is important! and since in this sentence you verb is in "to be" mode you would want to maintain flow. so instead of "I found it strange seeing hot fumes of gas originating from decaying poultry wastes" just correct i to "I found it strange to.."

"my mega plan for Nigeria" my ambition would be more elegant.

The conclusion is very important. So please get rid of the "overall" try to knit it all together so that the conclusion restates your ideas which btw you have done with your last line. But little more elaborate summary wouldn't hurt!

kethsaxena

Dec 15, 2012

Undergraduate / George's Secret Key / "Aerospace Engineering goal"; PURDUE App [4]

I am particularly impressed with your third body paragraph about mention a specific area where you would like to work on. I am pursuing Aerospace myself!

For your conclusion, you would want to tie it with your introduction. So may be with Space station aspect or the book that inspired you so that essay maintains cohesiveness.

The second paragraph needs improvement and it isn't delivering "the bang". Firstly, you would want to change- "By taking up Further Mathematics, Physics and Chemistry at the British A-Level, I have been able to nourish my passion for outer space ". Make it a lit more elegant. For ex I would write it this way-

"I've been enthralled by math and sciences throughout my high school years and this has not helped me nurture my interest in aerospace but also make more adept in comprehending the more perplexing challenges of the field "

if you want to keep it as it is, then again, please substitue "Further mathematics" to advanced mathematics or engineering mathematics and also please do not start sentence with a pronoun like "by". I remember my teachers and friends telling me to avoid such colloquial grammar!

I appreciate the humbleness you depict through out! I guess this may be your first of many drafts so best of luck!

kethsaxena

Dec 14, 2012

Writing Feedback / Our past is a cemented foundation upon which we build our future - GRE [3]

@Lisa Thank you immensely! The follies you pointed out were completely legitimate! I am taking the gre on 18 of feb and i really need to work on GRE essay skills. I sometimes fall short of times for the essay and this was the case in this last attempt too. I proofread the essay for the first time after your response! and personally I think the introduction could have been more well developed before I began my body paragraph or one line intros are fine? and also my essay had so many "double words" errors which was throwing me off and so it is natural that it would throw others off! and yes punctuations definitely i will work on them! I've like 10 prompts from my kaplan book and I would post more such essay attempt and I would be indebtedly grateful to you and all the wonderful members of this forum if they would help me out in developing my essay skills!

kethsaxena

Dec 13, 2012

Writing Feedback / Our past is a cemented foundation upon which we build our future - GRE [3]

The topic was- "We must take the learnings from our past ventures to shape our future"

An advice from a tree- " Stand tall, stay grounded, and enjoy the view".
It would extremely hard to hold any high rise erect without a solid support. And our past is in a way like a cemented foundation upon which we build the future. And it is crucial that our fundamentals are infallible because it is easier to mitigate any problems or like a building with a fragile foundation will be totally obliterated.

Additionally if we are so determined to shape the future then we ought to do so gracefully. We have to respect the past for the good that it brought, and we have to carry those learnings into our future ventures. Mahatma Gandhi took 200 years to liberate India with his firm belief in Satyagraha and non violence. If compared to the Independence movement led by George Washington, it wouldn't be as decorous. However he established a philosophy which led us to believe that "pen is mightier than the sword" and was later improvised and implemented by Martin Luther King to champion the African American movement and later by Nelson Mendla to abolish apartheid in South Africa. Therefore it is crucial to make the best of what our history and ventures in the past teach us because much of what we are today is because of our mistakes in the past!

However, past is not the panacea to all the problems we face in the future. Steve Jobs's iPad is a rage with people all over; but a decade ago nobody knew what tablet was and what its potential was! Nevertheless Mr. Jobs made sure that mankind got to experience this incredible piece of scientific innovation without referring to anything of such kind to take inspiration from!

Therefore it is very evident that our past ventures are immense value. A value that can aid us in discerning the right from the wrong, the good from the evil, the ordinary from the ordinary extraordinary. It is guide to refer when we are confused of what we are supposed to do next. And it is not only necessary preserve it and treasure it but often a take step back and ruminate on it.

I would be extremely grateful if someone could rate my essay and help me improve upon it!