Undergraduate / Being a devote Justin Bieber fan! NYU supplement [8]

I have to agree with the above advice, about not writing about Justin Bieber. When I first started reading your essay, I myself in my 40's , made a :-( face . . . .ugh, I said to myself ! My teenage daughter loves Justin Bieber and I personally have nothing against him. But when she starts talking about him, I am thinking "la la la la" . . . Maybe you would do the same if I started talking to you about how much I love James Taylor. It is a generational thing. NOW, that being said, I just loved your adjectives and how you described "music" and how we are all affected and influenced by it. Yes, we are , no matter "what" our particular tastes are. So, I would just suggest, dropping the name Justin Bieber but keeping the other beautiful things you were describing about music. It's very good. :-)

I hope this helps you and good luck in your endeavors.

Lisa

Writing Feedback / Our past is a cemented foundation upon which we build our future - GRE [3]

Hi. . .I liked your essay overall. However, I felt you started too many sentences with the word, "And". I remember past professors telling us to try not to start a sentence with the word And whenever possible. Also, I think you could use little more punctuation. For instance, when you start a sentence with However, there should be a comma after the word However. I particularly liked the closing sentences of your essay. They were very powerful. I would like to see you punctuate the sentences, which I think will make it even more powerful.

Therefore it is very evident that our past ventures are immense value. A value that can aid us in discerning the right from the wrong, the good from the evil, the ordinary from the ordinary extraordinary. It is guide to refer when we are confused of what we are supposed to do next. And it is not only necessary preserve it and treasure it but often a take step back and ruminate on it.

I would word it like this:

Therefore, it is very evident that our past ventures are of immense value. These values can aid us in discerning the right from the wrong, the good from the evil, the ordinary from the extraordinary. It is a guide to refer to when we are confused and in search of what to do next. It is not only necessary to preserve our past, but to treasure it, to learn from it, to take a step back and ruminate on it.

But like I said, overall, I liked it. It was interesting and I liked the examples you gave of historical figures. I hope this was helpful to you in some way,

Lisa