Undergraduate / I wish people would take me seriously; Something went unnoticed [4]

Not bad. Definitely better than the first one. However, more still needs to be done.

I have always been very fond of my brother, since he is only a year and seven months older than me it could only have gone only in two ways, we could have been great friends or complete strangers, thankfully we managed the former rather than the latter;(this whole sentence is one long run-on sentence. You have multiple comma splices.) six months ago he moved out, so he could be near his university; he is now studying Economics in one of the best schools in Mexico. When he left, it hit me, he was leaving after seventeen years of living together, we were no longer going to share our daily talks, or any personal jokes we had developed through the years, only I also felt relief.Comma splices again.

If you ask the people who know me(Try saying "The people who know me" in order to eliminate the second person word "you) , they will tell you(say) I am a fearless girl who will always express her opinions, even when they are opposite to whatever everyone else think,(Try replacing the struck out content with "contradict popular opinions".they are partially right, something I am really proud of, is the fact that I stand by my opinions which are not solely what I think but have arguments to back them; nevertheless they are mistaken in one thing, I am not fearless, on the opposite I am pretty insecure, although I am very good at hiding it, if I may add, still it has been one of the biggest problems in my life often due to comparisons with my brother.(This part has potential. Try to articulate what you are saying a little better. Start of like: "Though I do stand by my opinions...., I am not fearless..." Try to use language that better depicts the dichotomy your are attempting to show the reader.)

People, not even my parents, do not understand the weight I have been carrying since I entered school,(comma splice here) teachers, classmates, friends, acquaintances; they all manage to make a comments on how great my brother is, what a great student he is, how funny or social he is and afterwards comes the moment when they ask if I am as good as he is, as if they were asking me if I am worth as much as he, somehow, without even noticing, they belittle me.

The problem is, I am tired of these comparisons, I really wish desire to be able to go somewhere where people did not know my brother, a place where I could be valued for who I am, this will not be possible if I stay in Mexico since I would have to apply to the same school my brother goes to, because after all it is the best but if I could have the opportunity to leave the country I will go without thinking it twice.

I do not wish to carry these feelings around any more, just as I do not wish to develop recent(I think you mean to say "resentment" rather than "recent") towards my brother since he does not deserve it.

This piece is much better than the first. As I said before, watch for those comma splices! you had quite a few in this revision. I want to get all of the grammatical errors out and then start working with content. Go through the piece again with a fine tooth comb. Find all of your comma splices and fix them by making them different sentences. Just for reference, a comma splice is basically when you insert a comma where you need a period or another form of punctuation. The content is much better. Clean it up grammatically and then we can do some content work! Nice job once again!

Undergraduate / Villanova Supplement- The Country/ Lesson you want to share with others [3]

Thanks very much. I have made proper adjustments as a result of your helpful critiques.

Undergraduate / Common application essay - My grandmother; 'Nothing good without sacrifice' [5]

Glad I could help. If you need more revisions, post a new draft and I'll help you with it.

Undergraduate / Common application essay - My grandmother; 'Nothing good without sacrifice' [5]

"Nothing good in this world ever comes without sacrifice." This is something my grandmother Jean, an immigrant from Trinidad, taught me at a young age. She received no more than a sixth grade education and raised seven children, six of whom she put through college all on her own. She came to the United States in 1969 from Trinidad, leaving behind six of her children. It wasn't until 1974 that she was able to bring them to America to live with her. I have learned a lot about sacrifice from her.

Even in America she had her struggles. In addition to raising seven kids and paying of a mortgage, she had to deal with an abusive husband who did not financially support her and used her money for unknown purposes . She eventually divorced him and took much pride in her newly found independence. Jean had to raise seven kids and pay off a mortgage on top of all this . Due to her sacrifice, I have an advantage to achieve without such arduous struggles(I suggest rephrasing; it sounds a bit odd) . Not many people would be able to do what she did. When I hear her tell those stories( add what the stories were about) I think about what I have and I have(in my opinion, I would change the second have to begin, making it read: "I begin to wonder...") to wonder, "Did I do anything to really deserve this?" In my aunts and uncles I see how they were able to benefit because of my grandmother's labors. (re-phrase "In my aunts and uncles"; it sounds somewhat odd)She'sShe is one of the many hard working immigrants that have helped make this great country what it is today: a land of opportunity.

My grandmother also taught me the value of money.( you just gave the topic of the paragraph away in the opening; tell the anecdote and then add the lesson learned; I would remove "My grandmother also taught... money" and start off with the storyA coupleYears ago, I was at home and my grandmother asked me to pick up somebuy stamps for her because they were going up by two cents. She wanted to send some letters, but I told her that two cents didn'tdid not make much of a difference and that I would pick some up the next day. Later, I realized that I had been selfish because while two cents means little to the average person, she knows the value of those two seemingly insignificant pennies and how much they mean( "and how much they mean" is similar to "the value"; it seems redundant in my eyes) . That showed me not to take things for granted.

She lives alone now and I sometimes worry that she is lonely. I call her every day and when we talk ,she asks me for just one thing:She asks me tTo do well in school so I can go to college so I don'tdo not have to toil like she did. She has given me tremendous motivation from her countless stories of hardship from working innumerable hours( I would leave "from working innumerable hours" because hardship encompasses all of the things she endured, which includes the hours she worked . Her independence has become my inspirations . These lessons will continue to motivate me throughout life. ( I am confused as to what lesson or lessons you are referring to here... it is not very clear) Without her I don't know what I would do.

Good essay, and I like the message. However, there were some things that need to be fixed. First and foremost, I wish I had the prompt. Secondly, I was taught that in formal writing, do not use contractions such as "he's", "don't", etc. unless you are using them in the possessive form. Also, I do not see a clear organization in the presentation of your grandmother. There needs to be a meaning as to how you choose to present the information through writing to your reader. It got very redundant at some points. You mentioned in the beginning that she had to raise seven kids on her own, and then you mentioned it again in the body. I would caution against this because you want to try and relay as much information as possible about your topic so writing things over is not a good idea, unless it is purely for emphasis. Overall, I would say that you need to make the essay swing back to you. It seemed like this could be an expository essay about your grandmother. The ending was confusing to me because I did not know what lessons you were referring to. Your focus on your grandmother and her life is great; however, tie it back to you and how you can utilize the skills you learned from her. I wish you the best of luck with this essay, and good job with the piece! You do not need to start from scratch or anything- just play around with structure, fix your possessives, etc. All of my suggestions are just that- suggestions. Take them or leave them at your disposal or discretion. Once again, best of luck!

Undergraduate / "Broken Bow" MIT Challenge Prompt - [4]

Overall, I like it. However, there are a few qualms I have. The parts in blue show a confliction with the tense throughout the piece. Sometimes, you write in present tense, such as "I feel everything..." While other times, you use past, such as " I remembered..." or "I jerked forward..." Also, the ending doesn't feel right. If I am correct, you dealt with the breaking of your bow by reminiscing? It sounds like you ran out of steam and just wrote down whatever came to the forefront of your mind to conclude the essay. If that is what truly helped you overcome the breaking of your bow, I would write it in a different way, a more powerful way. Remember, all of my suggestions are just that: suggestions. Take or leave them at your disposal and discretion. Best of luck with your endeavors!

Undergraduate / I wish people would take me seriously; Something went unnoticed [4]

I read your essay a few times and I will get to my critiques in a second. Content-wise, I like the message you are trying to convey. However, you have many grammatical mistakes and literary errors that need to be fixed because they are detracting from your content.

My advice to you is to rewrite the piece, paying exceptionally close attention to grammar and structure. Your piece would be considered a no-no for multiple reasons. The general idea when writing is to show, not tell. You are rambling in this piece and there is a lack of coherent organization. Outline this piece when you re write it. You must have an introduction that grabs the reader's attention. Select one story in your life that you feel encompasses the main idea of always being compared to your brother and introduce it in a way that will make readers want to read. After the introduction, you need to smoothly transition into your body, where you will continue to tell your story in a way that is interesting. Afterwards, smoothly transition into the conclusion where you address the prompt and articulate your response. The readers need to see fluent transition and structure. You are all over the place with the current piece.

As for grammar, do not use contractions in formal writing. So no "I'm, we're, he's, she's, etc... None of that, except when using the possessive form. Also, be careful with verb and subject agreement. For example, in your beginning, The correct sentence would read: "There are two things..." as opposed to "There is two things...". Also, watch for comma splices. "There is two important things you need to know before I elaborate my answer,. one I have a brother whose 1 year older than me, two he studies Economics in the best school in Mexico." Be careful with words that sound alike but are spelled different. In the beginning, you probably meant to say you have a brother Who isone year older than you, as opposed to whose. Remember, follow your conventions of writing, and utilize spell check as well!

To start your new piece, I would relate the anecdote of how your brother went off. Start of with the image of him departing and how you felt about that moment. Then expound on how that moment relates to your other feelings. I know this is a lot, but you can do it. This piece has a lot of potential to turn into something amazing. Best of luck! If you want more help from me, you can find my email address on my profile. I will be more than happy to assist you in the future.

Undergraduate / I build computers; Tufts / Celebrate your nerdy side [4]

I have been told never to use contractions in formal writing, so I would change that first "I'm a builder" to "I am a builder". This goes for all other contractions in the piece.

I'mI am a builder. No, I'm not involved with construction and no, I'm not a body-builder. I build computers. It all began my freshman year when our old Dell desktop computer finally bit the dust(Though "bit the dust" is a common phrase and most people know what it means, I wouldn't take the chance. I would rephrase it to say "broke", or "died", or something just as unique but more ubiquitous) . Unable to resist the temptation, I grabbed a screwdriver and began taking that baby apart(I like that this shows your personality, but it is still a formal essay, so I would use more formal language) ! After a couple of hours, and with the aid of(not necessarily needed) a few YouTube tutorials, I was looking at the hard drive, motherboard, power supply, RAM, processor, disc drive, and cooling fan of my beloved computer all sitting on the floor, studying the connections, and figuring out how they all work.( the part in green sounds like a run-on) I was mesmerized by the sheer complexity of the system. There were wires everywhere, and half of them weren't even connected to anything!

The computer geek inside of me would not be satisfied with this. After days of prodding, I finally convinced my dad that instead of just buying a pre-built( is pre-built a word? It shows up with a red squiggly line on my PC) desktop from Best Buy, I should put it together (Put what together? Make sure you indicate that you are putting your dead PC back together. Watch out for those hanging pronouns) . I carefully researched all the parts, finding what would give me the best value for the computer. I ordered them and as they arrived one by one, I slowly began the process of putting my computer together. To my surprise, it booted up perfectly on the first try, and has had only a few issues in the three years that I've been using it.

Whenever something goes wrong with my computer, I don't get mad. I get excited for the opportunity to troubleshoot and fix it. It may be a little( just a suggestion here: swap " a little" with "somewhat") weird and fairly time consuming, but I would not have it any other way. As I sit here and type on this computer that I assembled myself, I hear the weird clicking sound that the fan makes from when I dropped it while walking up the stairs and I smile. In my eyes, the ending leaves some to be desired. The end is where you really have to drive the point home that you are a nerd and are proud! I like the reflection aspect, but make the ending a broad celebration of your nerdiness.

Overall, I like it man. I was considering applying to Tufts myself, but ran out of steam lol. Remember, my critiques are all suggestions; take or leave as you see best. I wish you the best of luck!