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Posts by xxxrays
Joined: Dec 19, 2012
Last Post: Dec 19, 2012
Threads: 1
Posts: 7  
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From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 8
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xxxrays   
Dec 19, 2012
Undergraduate / I was seduced by the beauty of the city; NYU Supp/ Why NYU? [9]

I feel silly. But here's the revised one:

Neck craning just enough to allow the small tips of my hair to kiss my eyelids, eyes flicking rapidly between the beautifully intimidating historic cement and mortar, and pupils widening ever so slightly to take in the vast and absolute wonder that is New York City as I take solid, measured steps across the battered walkway. I am careful not to miss a single thing while maneuvering through the rushing crowds. The light dances between the windowpanes at every angle, sparkling brilliantly as if it knows just how to embody the life of this thriving metropolis. The entire city is a masterpiece fashioned with the boldest of colors, and I, like so many others before me, was seduced by the beauty. - Sophia Steiner

I feel that there's enough to be inferred here!

What do you think?
xxxrays   
Dec 19, 2012
Undergraduate / At age seven, my world became one I feared; Stanford Supp/Intellectual Vitality [9]

Wow, this was impressive!

The only things:

"What I realize now, is that forcing myself.." no comma!

Also, I would add at the end something like knowing you're good enough to not be afraid. I think saying you've overcome the problem would be more what they're looking for, even if you haven't overcome it completely, so I would elaborate on how you are getting better at that.

But otherwise, this is very well written.

Maybe you can help me with mine? :)

Good luck!
xxxrays   
Dec 19, 2012
Undergraduate / Singing; Common App/ Extracurricular Activity [2]

1000 character maximum
I would add a bit more!

I stood front and center on the stage, as the spotlight beamed on my face. Although I was in a room filled of people, I cannotcould not hear or see anyone.I raised my head, took a deep breath and said to the crowd "I am going to sing a song titled 'Red Bean.' It is the symbol of love in my country." Suddenly the tune of ba-la-ba played, and I began to sing my heart out. I closed my eyes to visualize the lyrics and pour my soul into the song. When the last note ended, I opened my eyes andnoticedgauged the reactions of the audience. Surprisingly, I saw happiness and enjoyment on their face. Despite the fact that the song was sung in a foreign language everyone seem to understand the underlying message of love. With the spotlight still glaring on my face, I proudly smiled at audience.

Still a good story, but it's a bit short and readers might find it lacking. Add as many details as possible, and maybe add what happened after and what it meant to you.

Help me with my essay? :)

Good luck!
xxxrays   
Dec 19, 2012
Undergraduate / my love and dedication for music; UMich Supplemental Essay 1 Community [2]

This is a unique topic. Well done.

The only things I would change:

Take out these sentences: "When I was only a freshman, I walked through the hallways passing giant, intimidating upperclassmen. However, every once in a while, someone from marching band would say "Hi" to me." Or reword them. The seem like they're taking away from the meaning of your story.

Also, I would take: "Band and bowling parties, movie nights, and even band football were added to the mix" and change it to something like "Bowling parties, movie nights, and football with my band members bonded us more than I ever imagined they could." Something like that.

Maybe you could help me with mine? :)

Good luck!
xxxrays   
Dec 19, 2012
Undergraduate / KPOP; Struggle with Culture/ (College app essay) [7]

This is a unique topic idea, but I think you need to go more in depth about how you are now more indulged in the Korean culture.

I would also suggest not saying "the key to my parents' hearts" as it sounds like your essay is about winning the love of your parents.

Also, Gangnam style is a good use of example, but ending the essay so abruptly after is a bit off-putting and left me thinking about that song rather than your essay. Add a couple more sentences about how your life is different know.

Overall, though, this is very unique. :)

Good luck!
xxxrays   
Dec 19, 2012
Undergraduate / I was seduced by the beauty of the city; NYU Supp/ Why NYU? [9]

Tell us why you chose this campus (NYU New York) in 700 words.

Neck craning just enough to allow the small tips of my hair to kiss my eyelids, eyes flicking rapidly between the beautifully intimidating historic cement and mortar, and pupils widening ever so slightly to take in the vast and absolute wonder that is New York City as I take solid, measured steps across the beaten and battered walkway, careful not to miss a single thing while maneuvering through the rushing crowds. The light dances between the windowpanes at every angle, sparkling brilliantly as if it knows just how to embody the life of this thriving metropolis.

"C'mon, we're going to be late for the tour!"

My father's voice struggles to make the trip to my ears between the roar of the people and my foggy, awed state. I speed up my steps in an attempt to keep pace with his while we rush to the subway.

"They sure don't have anything like this at home, huh?"

No, they certainly don't, I thought. My thoughts flicker back to the vast desert I've known all my life which by far paled in comparison. His excitement mirrors my own as the impatience for the arrival of the subway car grew. What others regard as mundane, need-based transportation screeches to a sharp halt in front of me, I saw only as my most thrilling adventure yet. The doors open and the riders pour out, as synchronized and fluidly as tipping milk out of the carton.

The campus, like everything else in the city, did not fail to disappoint. As the guide directs us through the halls and buildings of the institution, my awe-like state returns, more powerfully than ever. I could feel my passion grow with every syllable the guide spoke. The buildings, the classes, the prestige: I was hooked.

The flight home is a long one, filled with endless daydreams of what I could only hope would one day become reality. As the plane hits the runway, the familiar mountains and rust-stained earth welcome me home, but I can't shake the feeling that this isn't where I belong. The lights of the Strip glow just as bright, but the love I feel towards them is more of a loyalty to my home rather than the immense passion I feel for New York City.

Years pass, filled with challenging exams, well-earned rewards, playful times, and the always present chaos of life. The time soon came when classes began to center around future plans and the upcoming college life. The one question everyone asks surrounds me: where are you going to college? Every single time, the images of my adventure in New York City and daydreams of attending New York University fill my imagination. My friends become numb to the excitement I felt, after hearing my life being mapped out so perfectly in my dream city, attending my dream school, over and over again. I cannot be tamed; I am a woman on a mission, stopping at nothing to achieve my dreams.

Then, finally, the application is opened. I leave the webpage open on my screen for days, staring at the questions. My fingers shake with the anxiety of it all as I fill the boxes with my story, and they shake now as I write this. My dreams on the line, I know I have to give it absolutely everything I have.

The entire city is a masterpiece fashioned with only the boldest colors, and I, like so many others before me, was seduced by the beauty.
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