remanemporor
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / "big friendly giant" ; Open Heart Surgery; Significant Experience [3]
Any comments at all?
Any comments at all?
remanemporor
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / "big friendly giant" ; Open Heart Surgery; Significant Experience [3]
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. Maximum of 500 words.
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As the fateful day approached, I grew more and more apprehensive. This was my first major medical operation, and it was safe to say that I was frightened. I have a rare medical condition known as Marfan's syndrome, an inherited disease that affects the connective tissue. This makes me very tall and lanky, and at 77 inches tall I have acquired the nickname "big friendly giant." However, it also enlarges my heart to a dangerous degree, and by the time I was sixteen, open-heart surgery was a necessity to ensure my safety.
The 17 hour operation was performed in the June of 2012. Apart from one or two minor complications, it went off without a hitch. As I groggily emerged from my anesthetic slumber, I was surrounded by my family and a team of highly trained medical faculty. At this point, I was far too dazed to have many meaningful thoughts. In the coming weeks of my recovery, though, I would have a chance to ruminate on that moment extensively. It seemed minor at the time, but as I thought about it more and more, I came to the realization that it was actually quite momentous.
My family has been a bastion of continuing support throughout my life. We may not always agree on every issue, but the important fact is that they are always there for me. It could be in the little things such as giving me advice when it comes to driving in inclement weather, or it could be the major events of my life such as during the operation. But no matter where I go, they are there to assist me along the way. I only recognized how much my father, mother, and brother have helped me when I looked back on that moment immediately following my surgery. They, more than any other factor, have pushed me to achieve great things. I want to prove to them that I can succeed in university and realize my fullest potential.
The other major elucidation that occurred to me as I thought about my medical experience was the dedicated doctors, nurses, and staff who ensured my well-being throughout my stay at the hospital. Many of them have had several years of schooling. The cardiac surgeons in particular went through decades of rigorous instruction in order to attain the jobs they currently hold. However, the biggest point I discovered is that they change lives every day. They have the ability to keep people alive, something I am quite thankful for today. After my operation, I knew that I wanted to also be someone who can change lives. I may not be going into the medical field, but I know that the best way to acquire the ability to bring about positive change is by doing well in school and becoming the best person I can be. I know the importance of higher education, and I want to be that person who can do great deeds that truly change lives.
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So what do you guys think? Are there any major grammatical errors? Does it avoid becoming a pity party? Any other comments?
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. Maximum of 500 words.
----
As the fateful day approached, I grew more and more apprehensive. This was my first major medical operation, and it was safe to say that I was frightened. I have a rare medical condition known as Marfan's syndrome, an inherited disease that affects the connective tissue. This makes me very tall and lanky, and at 77 inches tall I have acquired the nickname "big friendly giant." However, it also enlarges my heart to a dangerous degree, and by the time I was sixteen, open-heart surgery was a necessity to ensure my safety.
The 17 hour operation was performed in the June of 2012. Apart from one or two minor complications, it went off without a hitch. As I groggily emerged from my anesthetic slumber, I was surrounded by my family and a team of highly trained medical faculty. At this point, I was far too dazed to have many meaningful thoughts. In the coming weeks of my recovery, though, I would have a chance to ruminate on that moment extensively. It seemed minor at the time, but as I thought about it more and more, I came to the realization that it was actually quite momentous.
My family has been a bastion of continuing support throughout my life. We may not always agree on every issue, but the important fact is that they are always there for me. It could be in the little things such as giving me advice when it comes to driving in inclement weather, or it could be the major events of my life such as during the operation. But no matter where I go, they are there to assist me along the way. I only recognized how much my father, mother, and brother have helped me when I looked back on that moment immediately following my surgery. They, more than any other factor, have pushed me to achieve great things. I want to prove to them that I can succeed in university and realize my fullest potential.
The other major elucidation that occurred to me as I thought about my medical experience was the dedicated doctors, nurses, and staff who ensured my well-being throughout my stay at the hospital. Many of them have had several years of schooling. The cardiac surgeons in particular went through decades of rigorous instruction in order to attain the jobs they currently hold. However, the biggest point I discovered is that they change lives every day. They have the ability to keep people alive, something I am quite thankful for today. After my operation, I knew that I wanted to also be someone who can change lives. I may not be going into the medical field, but I know that the best way to acquire the ability to bring about positive change is by doing well in school and becoming the best person I can be. I know the importance of higher education, and I want to be that person who can do great deeds that truly change lives.
----
So what do you guys think? Are there any major grammatical errors? Does it avoid becoming a pity party? Any other comments?
remanemporor
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Studios/Lectures/Mentors/Visiting artists/Curators/ Critics;Northwestern/Art major? [3]
This is pretty darned good and I don't see any major grammatical errors. You sound like a worth addition to any university so I would suggest you keep your essay like this.
This is pretty darned good and I don't see any major grammatical errors. You sound like a worth addition to any university so I would suggest you keep your essay like this.
remanemporor
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / I began my presentation; Common app-significant experience [2]
Overall, I would say this is fairly good. It definitely looks like you grew from this experience. However, I would suggest one tiny bit of tone adjustment: You come down a bit harshly on books. Sure, the message of the essay is that you need to do more than just read, but books have a certain positive academic connotation to them nowadays. To put that in plain English, you might want to add a simple phrase such as, "Although books have many wonderful uses," before you state how you need to try things for yourself. Overall, though, it's good.
Also, red is for grammatical errors, and blue is for style tips. You don't necessarily have to follow the blue.
Overall, I would say this is fairly good. It definitely looks like you grew from this experience. However, I would suggest one tiny bit of tone adjustment: You come down a bit harshly on books. Sure, the message of the essay is that you need to do more than just read, but books have a certain positive academic connotation to them nowadays. To put that in plain English, you might want to add a simple phrase such as, "Although books have many wonderful uses," before you state how you need to try things for yourself. Overall, though, it's good.
Also, red is for grammatical errors, and blue is for style tips. You don't necessarily have to follow the blue.
remanemporor
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Quiz bowl ; Common App; Extracurricular activity [3]
First I'll let you read the prompt and my response:
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).
Tension builds as the timer for the round slowly ticks to zero. The scores are close, and I prepare myself for the next question. For me, quiz bowl is more than just a competition of intellects. It is proof that there is no such thing as "useless knowledge." It shows me that what we learn in school isn't to be simply memorized and then forgotten after a test is taken. While certain facts may initially seem to have little intrinsic value, they possess great worth in future circumstances. Being extra studious in English class proved serendipitous when a question called for advanced vocabulary, while watching a documentary on southern Africa assisted me on a question about the capital of Botswana. Quiz bowl allows me to come together with my teammates and to put our collective experiences together to answer tough inquires such as these. But most of all, quiz bowl shows me that the only real way to learn things is to learn them for life.
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So how do you think I did? I know the main point of these sorts of essays is to show that you have "grown" through your experiences. My essay above rounds out to 944 characters, so I think I did that reasonably well, but I'm only one person.
Any critiques would be appreciated, be they of grammar, content, or just general style.
First I'll let you read the prompt and my response:
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).
Tension builds as the timer for the round slowly ticks to zero. The scores are close, and I prepare myself for the next question. For me, quiz bowl is more than just a competition of intellects. It is proof that there is no such thing as "useless knowledge." It shows me that what we learn in school isn't to be simply memorized and then forgotten after a test is taken. While certain facts may initially seem to have little intrinsic value, they possess great worth in future circumstances. Being extra studious in English class proved serendipitous when a question called for advanced vocabulary, while watching a documentary on southern Africa assisted me on a question about the capital of Botswana. Quiz bowl allows me to come together with my teammates and to put our collective experiences together to answer tough inquires such as these. But most of all, quiz bowl shows me that the only real way to learn things is to learn them for life.
----------------------------------------
So how do you think I did? I know the main point of these sorts of essays is to show that you have "grown" through your experiences. My essay above rounds out to 944 characters, so I think I did that reasonably well, but I'm only one person.
Any critiques would be appreciated, be they of grammar, content, or just general style.
