Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by mnljkt25
Joined: Dec 27, 2012
Last Post: Jan 3, 2013
Threads: 1
Posts: 3  
From: Indonesia

Displayed posts: 4
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
mnljkt25   
Jan 3, 2013
Writing Feedback / 'Uniting together' -In many cities, crime is increasing why do u think that happening [6]

Hi there!

Well the first thing I noticed from your writing is that you're struggling with grammar and sentence structures however good news is that there's always room for improvement! :) I understand the message you're trying to project however your supporting evidences are vague and not really factual. Maybe by adding factual details about crime rates in cities and recite details from studies regarding the psychological spectrum of crimes and criminals will add more depth to your essay and making it more "legit". And as you have mentioned the government in your essay, you might want to introduce the "efforts" of the government which you have commented as inefficient enough to reduce criminal rates. Why isn't it decreasing, what are the laws and regulations implemented by the government? You should be more specific and further develop your concluding statement.

Good luck with your essay!
mnljkt25   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / 'The Road Taken' - favourite poem supplement [5]

Hi there!

I believe that moon05 pointed out most of the things I wanted to highlight upon haha but still, there are a couple more things that i'd like to add :)

Although I am not poetic myself and usually have a difficult time processing poetry, this is one of the poems that immediately had my attention when I first saw it. It was in the seventh grade that I did, and since then I have used it as a guide to help me take decisions regarding my life.

I have to admit that I do not consider myself poetic and that I have to exert more effort to process such beautiful pieces of literature however this particular poem was one of those poems that immediately catches your attention, and it definitely caught my attention the first time I read it.

-> Beforehand: I'm sorry if my revision's a tad bit too long haha

This poem allowed me to know at a young age that life was going to offer me many different paths and it would always be my choice which path I would take and where I would end up.

I really like this statement of yours!

... because if I let my fear overcome me, I would always keep wondering "what if I had done it".

... I would always be haunted by the "what if(s)" life will hand over for me to ponder upon

Overall I really like this piece of yours and I wish you luck with your application!
mnljkt25   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / 'Quaker saying about life' - Tufts supplement [7]

As Kitsumi mentioned earlier, I do agree that it would be better for you to identify the speakers. Overall I found your piece to be pretty enjoyable to read however there are several other points that I'd like to add!

Wishing you all the very best with your application! And I do hope that you'll get into tufts :)

(Would you mind checking and helping me with my georgetown essay, thanks!)
mnljkt25   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / I am Indonesian, I am Filipino, and I am Chinese; Georgetown Personal Description [7]

I'm applying to GU's SFS and I feel like this essay is too long but then again I'd love to hear any of your opinions/comments!

"As Georgetown is a diverse community, the Admissions Committee would like to know more about you in your own words. Please submit a brief essay, either personal or creative, which you feel best describes you."

I am Indonesian, I am Filipino, and I am Chinese. "Well that's quite a mix." And no, I am not a bag of trail mix nor am I a cassette filled with random songs. I consider myself as a living hybrid, a melting pot of cultures and diversity, compacted and condensed into the body of a teenager. I would like to think of myself as a unique blend, a lot more marketable than Starbucks' house blend. It is interesting to notice how I am constantly exempted from remarks which stereotypes certain races because I am seen as a combination of multiple stereotypes. As a Filipino, they would usually assume that I carry the musical talent of singing and that I have the urge to grab any operating microphone within my reach. And as an Indonesian, they would shallowly assume that I am your typical snobby upper middle class "half Indonesian" who's not able to speak proper Indonesian because I speak fluent English. Last but not least as a Chinese, the assumption would be that I am a math genius.

First of all, I consider myself lucky to be given the opportunity to look at situations from multiple spectacles. Having a mixed heritage is indeed an advantage, a blessing and it is something to take pride in because as they say, life has no limitations except for the ones we make. In my case, instead of letting these stereotypes involving my cultural background limit my capabilities and horizon, it actually encouraged me to venture into the other side of the stereotype, the side of which others are unaware. I am not part of the percentage of Filipinos who are gifted with the amazing vocal range of Whitney Houston however it is true that music runs in my blood and instead singing, it is the ability of playing piano, precisely classical piano. I am proud to say that I am multilingual and that I have been raised to acknowledge that as an Indonesian citizen, I need to be able to be proud of my Indonesian culture including the ability of conversing in Bahasa Indonesia. Therefore proving this particular stereotype incorrect. Lastly, I am not the brightest Chinese mathematician however I make up to my lack of expected math brilliance by excelling in other subjects such as social studies.

I cannot fully deny the stereotypes in which people label my culture with because they wouldn't be able to label something that isn't noticeable, visible and obvious. However it is a mere matter of exaggeration, there is more to an individual than what the eye and mind perceives. I see myself meeting new people from different walks of life with different cultural, social backgrounds and I would love to drown myself in interest with all of the stories the world has to offer for an individual whose curiosity knows no boundaries. I'm gifted with a pair of multicultural, multilingual as well as multinational spectacles to observe the world and it would be a privilege to be able to share this with others. And the thing is that you won't be able to find this in any regular bag of trail mix.
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳