mnljkt25
Jan 3, 2013
Writing Feedback / 'Uniting together' -In many cities, crime is increasing why do u think that happening [6]
Hi there!
Well the first thing I noticed from your writing is that you're struggling with grammar and sentence structures however good news is that there's always room for improvement! :) I understand the message you're trying to project however your supporting evidences are vague and not really factual. Maybe by adding factual details about crime rates in cities and recite details from studies regarding the psychological spectrum of crimes and criminals will add more depth to your essay and making it more "legit". And as you have mentioned the government in your essay, you might want to introduce the "efforts" of the government which you have commented as inefficient enough to reduce criminal rates. Why isn't it decreasing, what are the laws and regulations implemented by the government? You should be more specific and further develop your concluding statement.
Good luck with your essay!
Hi there!
Well the first thing I noticed from your writing is that you're struggling with grammar and sentence structures however good news is that there's always room for improvement! :) I understand the message you're trying to project however your supporting evidences are vague and not really factual. Maybe by adding factual details about crime rates in cities and recite details from studies regarding the psychological spectrum of crimes and criminals will add more depth to your essay and making it more "legit". And as you have mentioned the government in your essay, you might want to introduce the "efforts" of the government which you have commented as inefficient enough to reduce criminal rates. Why isn't it decreasing, what are the laws and regulations implemented by the government? You should be more specific and further develop your concluding statement.
Good luck with your essay!