Posts by Jessieph

Jessieph

Dec 27, 2012

Undergraduate / Effect of my Tricultural Background - HKU Personal Statement [7]

Thanks for reviewing my essay! :) Overall I thought yours was very well written and expressed your unique background well. There were just a few confusing parts that I've made some suggestions for:

From the cram school filled Taiwan, I learned the importance of studying hard and good habits for studying; while my school(This confused me. Did you mean to put a certain type of school?) showed me the importance of working hard not for competitions or awards, but for my passions and for the fun of learning.

~~First of all~~(Not sure you need this) El Salvador's rampant crimes and unstable political stance has made me value the importance of living in the moment and appreciating what I have; while Taiwan's recent conversion to democracy let me remember the struggle and the cost of attaining such freedom, such as the Kaohsiung Incident: where death and imprisonment of many important activist eventually led to democracy in Taiwan.this part was confusing. may want to split into two sentences or reword -- while in Taiwan the Kaohsiung Incident, which involved the death and imprisonment of many important activists, to attain a democracy has showed me the struggle and cost of attaining freedom. (or something like that...)

Besides that, El Salvador's poverty had taught me to be thrifty ? and economical and inspired me to help change the world.

...El Salvador. The more economically prosperous in Taiwan have demonstrated usefulness of money in many occasions.

~~Lastly~~ The many opportunities offered by the British School gave me many chances to improve myself;

Even though the apparent paradoxical effect on me from three apparently contradicting societies had made me, ~~became,~~ initially, confused of my own identity, I came to realize that the intertwining of the three culture actually is my identity.

This several conflicting perspective is my perspective.This sounds like it's worded weird. Maybe say something like "These three conflicting perspectives have become my one perspective.

Jessieph

Dec 27, 2012

Undergraduate / Living 11 years as a competitive swimmer; Common app/ Extracurricular [3]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experience (1000 character max)

I've written this response (it's still kind of rough, I know) but my dad told me to write a new one that basically just lists my accomplishments. How am I supposed to write it? Also any critiques on my current one would really be appreciated.

For those who see swimming only in the Olympics, the sport may look glamorous and easy. However living 11 years as a competitive swimmer I know it is anything but. Waking up at 5am six days a week, year round for a grueling two and a half hour practice has taught me to be dedicated and continue to try my hardest even when things get hard and I feel like giving up. Although the practices are very difficult, one of the most difficult aspects about being a club swimmer is the sacrifices one has to make. I have turned down countless social invitations because I knew to train at the highest level and become a top competitor I could not afford to miss one practice or one meet. When I had 22 hours of swimming and 40 hours of school plus homework every week, I had to learn how to manage my time to maintain good grades as well as improve my swimming. More than anything swimming has made me psychologically tough. I have become relentlessly hard working in everything I do and now crave a challenge in all aspects of my life, physical or mental.