Posts by Wisconsingirl94

Wisconsingirl94

Jan 2, 2013

Undergraduate / C for BIOLOGY; George Washingon / Risk I took,failed & what I learned [4]

Overall this is a good essay, but I agree with Range Rover that it is a bit cliche. You are writing about a topic that probably many kids will write about it; therefore, you need to write it in a fresh, unique manner in order to stand out and be original.

Biggest tip would be show not tell! Also pick up your narrative, make it more concise and snappy.

Example: Earlier this year, I bounced into the Guidance Counselor's office, confidently grabbed the pen and signed up to take AP Biology.

Biology was my favorite subject in the ninth grade and I knew that I would excel in it. I had also attended the informational meeting held by the AP Biology teacher and was psyched for the upcoming year.A bit clumsy, try to make this more concise. "Next year will be great!" I thought to myself.

During the summer, I checked out a couple of biology books from my local library and read additional pamphlets to prepare myself for the class. Also can be more exciting and snappy.
Example: During the summer, I prepared for battle. By the end of summer I was armed with biology books, additional information from pamphlets and was ready for action.

The summer had quickly come to an end and I was ready to get back into action for my last year at Western School of Technology and Environmental Science.

Obviously this is how I would write this essay, but not necessarily how you want to write it. But by comparing AP biology or senior year to a "battle" is more engaging and interesting then just saying I got prepared for senior year. So find your own creative voice and go with it! Remember its okay to be light and humorous, if that's who you are. These essays are not suppose to be super serious and formal.

Wisconsingirl94

Jan 1, 2013

Undergraduate / Interdisciplinary Liberal Arts foundation in Barnard's curriculum ; Why Barnard ? [3]

Even though you don't necessarily need to follow the 1000 characters limit on common app because you can upload your own document, I would try to trim down your essays. They should be around 200 words because if they are more than that, they are no longer a "well developed paragraph" and more like a well developed two paragraphs.

Wisconsingirl94

Dec 30, 2012

Undergraduate / Barnard; Why applying and Conversation With famous Women? [4]

Several members of my family have attended or taught at women's colleges. My maternal grandmother taught biology at Spelman College. My mother and her three sisters are Smith College Alumnae, and my sister is currently a sophomore at Wellesley College.( Not really nessesary information.)

I would suggest less of a focus on your families connection with women's colleges and focus more on specifically why Barnard is a fit for you. Yes, your sister really flourished at Wellesley. but that's not Barnard. What besides the fact that Barnard is a women's college appeals to you, or fits what you want for a college experience. There are plenty of other women's colleges, but why Barnard? My college counselor really stressed to be very specific in these " Why X college essays " . I could easily replace Barnard with Wellesley and New York City with Boston, and the essay would make perfect sense. Admissions counselors have told me at information sessions, that they will read these "Why essays" and if they can replace their college with another, they assume it was a copy-paste essay and do not think very highly of it.

Juliette Gordon Low or J Glow as I like to call her, is the founder Girl Scouts in the United States and she is my hero. I have been a ~~Girl Scouts~~Girl Scout ]since I was four and attended hundreds of meetings . The experience has helped form the women I am today. I would begin by very happily ~~tell~~telling J Glow of all the wonderful things Girl Scouts have done since she founded them 101 years ago. Then I would thank J Glow for you giving me and so many other women an organization that taught us to make our own definition of beauty, reminded us that we have to duty to serve others, and most importantly, showed us that the bonds of sisterhood are unbreakable.

This is a good essay, but not very memorable. It's kind of cookie- cutter. Try to add more of your personality into this essay and try to make it more unique. I like the tidbit of calling her J Glow, that makes the essay more unique and personal. Maybe you will have this conversation over a box of thin mints. Have fun with it!

Wisconsingirl94

Dec 28, 2012

Undergraduate / Val- Kill / Gaining confidence & speaking skills/ My dad ;Barnard Sup [5]

I would love if I could have some feedback on my Barnard Supplements. They are all suppose to be a well developed paragraph and close to 1000 characters.

Pick one woman in history or fiction to converse with for an hour and explain your choice. What would you talk about?

We would meet at her small stone cottage, Val- Kill, tucked away in upstate New York. I admire her so much for being a fearless and influential First Lady. She would greet me with warm smile, instantly making me feel at ease. She would be easy to talk to, answering every question with interest and concern. I would tell her about this new journey I am embarking on--college--and ask for advice. How do I deal with all the challenges that lie ahead? How did she so seamlessly adjust to a new life and role? She would advise me to live life to the fullest--with no regrets-- to always try everything and never ever let fear stop me in my tracks. Of course, I would have to ask her about current politics. What does the lady, revered by the Democratic Party, think of Barack Obama? Does she, a devotee to resolving social issues, think the Affordable Care Act is the answer to our health-care issue ? More importantly, is she a fan of Hillary? An hour would quickly slip by as Eleanor Roosevelt and I conversed by a warm fire, teas in hand and Fala by our side.

Alumna and writer Anna Quindlen says that she "majored in unafraid" at Barnard. Tell us about a time when you majored in unafraid

I am not a people person. What if he slams the door in my face? What if he's a REPUBLICAN!: these thoughts ran through my head as I stood on the porch, finger on the doorbell, script in hand; I was on my first canvass. I had started my summer internship at Russ Feingold's re-election campaign and one of my jobs was to "canvass", or go door to door talking to potential voters about the election and Senator Feingold. I didn't think I could do it. I wanted to run from the porch, but I wasn't a quitter. I finally gained the nerve and rang the doorbell. I hoped for no one to appear, but the door opened. I took a deep breath, smiled, and started, " Hi I my name is Victoria. I'm with the Feingold Campaign. May I ask you a few questions...?" That summer was filled with door slams, witty remarks by Republicans, charming old ladies, and scary dogs, but I appreciated every moment. By throwing my fears aside, I gained confidence, better speaking skills, and discovered my love for politics.

Community - educational, geographic, religious, political, ethnic, or other - can define an individual's experience and influence her journey. How has your community, as you identify it, shaped your perspective?

My dad, being from Hong Kong, doesn't understand the significance of prom. Though he thinks it's preposterous, he hasn't denied me that "great" American tradition. Being a proud member of the immigrants' children community, I've grown to understand that we all have different customs. Not only should we respect each other's customs, we should try to understand them. Eat worms in front of me, and I won't declare that as disgusting because I remember the embarrassment of eating meat buns, while my friends chomped on PB&Js. Pronounce herbs with the "H" and I won't giggle because I've embarrassingly pronounced salmon, sal-mon because that's how my mom pronounced it. My stance on immigration issues has been greatly influenced by my status. I've seen, first-hand, the difficulty of adjusting to a new climate, culture, language, and people. This has led me to believe that, as a society, we should be doing everything in our power to make the immigrant experience easier, not harder; immigrants should only have to feel acceptance, not alienation.