Posts by xXWittyGalXx

xXWittyGalXx

Dec 31, 2012

Undergraduate / I found myself averting from classical music; Common App [15]

strange force compelled athe sensitive seven-years-old boy

blue is for guys, red is for girls; classical music is for old people, pop music is for young people

it is better to replace those commas with and. commas can only seperate a sentence and a fragment but it cant seperate 2 sentences.

asked "what are you listening to?"

don't forget the comma after asked and capitalize the w in what

I first met Lang Lang at his piano concert with my aunt's ticket. But it was not an ordinary concert.

if you are going to use but, it's better to combine the sentences instead of making them 2 different ones
but if you want to keep it as two sentences you might want to use another transition word like however or something

the Chopin's Black Keys

I dont think you need the word 'the'

Also how old is Lang Lang? Is he around your age? older? younger? I think it would help with your point especially if he's around your age.

I like this version much better than the other one ^^ It flows more and shows a lot how Lang Lang influenced you.

You might want to change the word bedtime though. It refers to the actual time you went to bed more than the situation or mood in which you went to bed.

xXWittyGalXx

Dec 31, 2012

Undergraduate / I have been persecuted all my life.; Common APP [11]

If I told my friends about my experience, or my fond for classical genre, as a rule, they mocked me.

fondness or some other word would fit
and the too parts in blue dont match well
"if" is conditional and "they mocked me" is talking about a time when it happened. I think 'When i told' would work better then 'If I told'

Eventually I conformed.

u should say what you conformed to. society? social norms?

I think this way better answers the question than the first way you did it.

xXWittyGalXx

Dec 29, 2012

Undergraduate / My cousin; Cornell University Sup - college of engineering [4]

Bump. Can somebody please help grade my essay?

xXWittyGalXx

Dec 28, 2012

Undergraduate / 'An Unexpected Journey and Winning the Green Card' Common Application [33]

hmm, maybe you could just briefly explain that you have to go back for the interview after you say

But I felt stuck.

xXWittyGalXx

Dec 28, 2012

Undergraduate / 'An Unexpected Journey and Winning the Green Card' Common Application [33]

Life still wrapped me in its irony and when I had finally been given the right to stay indefinitely in the country I longed to remain, I was required to leave with a to-be-determined date of return.

hear you could be a little bit more specific. Why did you have to leave?
It doesn't have to be long, maybe just a few words. I think it will help clear up what you're saying.

xXWittyGalXx

Dec 28, 2012

Undergraduate / 'An Unexpected Journey and Winning the Green Card' Common Application [33]

I agree with malaikaiyer. I think you can improve your conclusion by maybe making a similarity between you and charlie. maybe one about the obstacles he was faced to overcome.

Overall I like your essay though. But I think you should use double quotes " instead of the single ones '

xXWittyGalXx

Dec 28, 2012

Undergraduate / My cousin; Cornell University Sup - college of engineering [4]

kks I shall fix it.
Thank you =)

xXWittyGalXx

Dec 28, 2012

Undergraduate / I have been persecuted all my life.; Common APP [11]

The intro is good but I feel like the phrase

a strange power touched me that put a seven year old boy in deep thoughts

is very awkward and confusing.
Also don't forget to capitalize you 'I's

i have learned to appreciate my passion. It triggered me into not only pursuing classical genre but also exploring new genre outside of the musical realm. Eventually, i reached out

Although I see where your going with the essay, your conclusion

Eventually, i reached out and have become a fervent volunteer at a local hospital, an influential math teacher for middle school students, and a piano tutor for the disabled- all began with a lucky "misclick" on a typical day.

kinda came out of nowhere. I think you should include more of how it led to it in your conclusion if you want it to be more coherent and answer the question.

Good luck ^^

Also, could you help me edit my essay.

xXWittyGalXx

Dec 28, 2012

Undergraduate / My cousin; Cornell University Sup - college of engineering [4]

The question is :Tell us about an engineering idea you have, or about your interest in engineering. Describe how your ideas and interests may be realized by - and linked to - specific resources within the College of Engineering. Finally, explain what a Cornell Engineering education will enable you to accomplish. (500 words)

I think my ending is a little bit off and my essay is a little bit too long

The last time I saw my cousin, Mansour, was during my family's trip to our homeland, Senegal, in the summer of 2010. Then 4 years old, Mansour was a very lively, friendly kid. When he walked down the street, everyone would greet him, the baker, the mechanic, the imam, and all the neighbors. As young as he was, if you walked 2 blocks in any direction, it can be assured that everyone knew his face. Whenever he could, Mansour would sneak away to explore the neighborhood. Most of the time, he would run off to do what he was most passionate about, playing soccer. I was shocked to see him playing. He played with a group of boys, around 7 to 9 years of age. It was a sight to see, little Mansour scampering around with the big boys, showing off the few skills he had in his arsenal, trying to impress the others. Who would have imagined that in a matter of a couple of years, he would be gone.

My family had returned to New York by the time it started. I only heard bits and pieces of the story from the late night phone calls between my father and my grandmother but from what I could gather, my little cousin had a cancer in his left eye. In order to prevent it from spreading to his right eye, the doctors had to replace his eye with a prosthetic one. I could only think about poor Mansour. His young dream to become a soccer player was over. I thought that this was the end of the story, but it wasn't. I few months later, he was forced to return to the hospital. This time, he was sick in his stomach. The doctors ran many different types of tests and scans, but they could not determine the source of his pain. His health slowly deteriorated. After one bad fall off the hospital bed, he helplessly fell into a coma. On November 11, 2012 the 2 year fight was over. The once bright, energetic 6-year-old boy passed away merely 2 days after he fell. Throughout the whole ordeal I could only think that maybe, if the doctors had the resources they needed, they might have been able to at least diagnose his disease and maybe find a remedy to ease his pain.

By junior year, I knew that I wanted to be an engineer, but I was unsure of what type of engineer I wanted to become. After this incident, I now know for sure that I want to become a biomedical engineer. My goal is not only to create new useful biomedical devices, but also to help make them available to the underprivileged people and kids like Mansour.

In Cornell's College of Engineering, it can be assured that I will not only learn about the engineering aspect of this field, but I will be provided with an in depth understanding of the human body as well. The collaboration with Weill Cornell Medical College and the Hospital for Special Surgery will be able to provide me with real life situations and research opportunities that are closely connected with real life situations.