Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by shiverrrrs
Joined: Dec 29, 2012
Last Post: Dec 30, 2012
Threads: 2
Posts: 3  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 5
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
shiverrrrs   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / How France Made Me Change Schools/ Common App [7]

Your second draft is much more compelling than the first one, great revisions!

i like the idea of the first sentence, but i think its awakwardly worded.

Also, isn't 2 days, 48 hours? these are small details that definitely can't be overlooked!
shiverrrrs   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Three options; Common App/ Where I lived [3]

PROMPT: Tell us where you have lived-and for how long-since you were born; whether you've always lived in the same place, or perhaps in a variety of places. (300 characters)

I have three options, and I really need help choosing between them! Option 1 and 2 use imagery that I really like, and are close to my heart, giving an unexpected answer. That being said, Option 1 may be cliche, and I am honestly not sure that either completely answer the question.

Option 3 answers every facet of the question, I took a more literal approach. I like this one too, not as much as the others, but I do feel safer using this one.

This essay is for Brown. I know they are free-thinkers, so I thought going outside of the box instead of answering it literally would be better, but the prompt seems to want a literal answer. Please help me choose which one to use, and any revisions would also be appreciated!

1: I live within plaid, navy and green connecting me to generations of sisters. Within the beeps of mod bells, freedom of open classrooms, deafening roars of the Lion's Den. I live within the dissonant cacophony of 800 voices singing homage to our high school: Ohhh Ursuline Academyyyy - my second home.

2: I live in the remnants of conch shells and garlands scattered on Juhu Beach. In the senseless pattern of cars and rickshaws- where are the stop lights? In the vibrant saris my mother wore as a girl. I only lived there for two months. But every time I go back, I am intoxicated. Bombay is my home.

3: Coined the "Nasti Nati", Cincinnati is quite the opposite - where slaves sought freedom, pigs learned to fly, and a Roman hero, Cincinnatus, lent his name. Chili capital of the world, home to our fattest President (correlation?), Steven Spielberg, George Clooney, and for 17 years now, Shivani Desai.
shiverrrrs   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / BOOKS!; ESSAY: Favorite word and why? [2]

Overall, I love this essay, as a fellow book-lover, it really shows your passion, and it's well-worded. Good job!

I love the books as your older sibling part - it's different.

I wouldn't say the "except my teachers" part. Why? Do you not like the classics and books you read in class? Maybe going with that idea, you could say except when the word "text" comes in front of it.

"Certain books showed me how much I loved to help others, and how important it was for me to pursue my passion- because of that, I am now the first student employee at NOVA Pediatrics becoming one step closer to my dreams of being a pediatric surgeon"

I think you need to be more specific about how the books encouraged you to pursue your passion. I get what you are trying to do (a little bragging about yourself is always a good thing in these essays), but you need to connect it more to books, or it seems like you just threw it in there for brownie points.

The last line is nice, maybe a little cliche though.

You are a fantastic writer, so take or leave my criticisms, it's your essay. I hope this helps!
shiverrrrs   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / "That is the ugliest work of art ; Brown/ Something you created [3]

PROMPT: I felt like I truly belonged when... (200 characters)
In an intricate ballet of unspoken communication, explosive strokes, aggressive volleys, and a spark of magic, Lauren and I proved our point. Game, set, and match. We were undeniably a doubles team.

PROMPT: What is something you created that makes you especially proud, and why? (700 characters)

"That is the ugliest work of art - if you call it art- ever."

My sister, the one-stroke-paint wonder, disdainfully held up my clay creation, button nose crinkled in evident distaste. Truth be told, Mr. Tiki was ugly. An off-centered lumpy snout, pouty lips in an "O!". Baleful eyes glaring at me accusingly. Why did you make hideous?

"I love it!" My mother: the enduring advocate for misfits. She had a passion for salvaging- a frayed, patchwork quilt, a painting which made me cringe. She saw the beauty in contrast when others failed to notice.

With her love, Mr. Tiki was oddly endearing, charming even. I re-examined my art, proud that I too could recognize the loveliness within the neglected.

PROMPT: A distinctive feature of the Brown Curriculum is the opportunity to be the architect of your education.
Why does this academic environment appeal to you? (700 characters)

In sixth grade, architecture was my career flavor of the month. It seemed glamorous. "See that skyscraper? I built that."

However, after discovering that I would be required to draw (I couldn't) and master high-level math (I wouldn't), I cast my short-lived dream aside.

Regardless, I remained attracted to the ability to create permanence, to leave a legacy. At Brown University, I can build something enduring: my education.

With Brown's 70 distinct concentrations, my design can take any form I choose. I can pursue International Relations, Development Studies, Health and Human Biology, or even create an Independent Concentration in order to fulfill my goal: Global Health.

Architects are free to build what they love. At Brown, I too can combine my passions into one magnificent skyscraper

I am over 94 characters in this one, so any suggestions would be appreciated!
Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳