Undergraduate / How France Made Me Change Schools/ Common App [7]

Your second draft is much more compelling than the first one, great revisions!

i like the idea of the first sentence, but i think its awakwardly worded.

Also, isn't 2 days, 48 hours? these are small details that definitely can't be overlooked!

Undergraduate / "Hook up,climb and abseil", ROCK CLIMBING; Common app-Extracurricular activities [3]

I think your second one is very very well-written, you tell a story while also showing something important about you, great job!
You said the same thing about singapore in both essays as well, I would take it out of one of them.

Undergraduate / BOOKS!; ESSAY: Favorite word and why? [2]

Overall, I love this essay, as a fellow book-lover, it really shows your passion, and it's well-worded. Good job!

I love the books as your older sibling part - it's different.

I wouldn't say the "except my teachers" part. Why? Do you not like the classics and books you read in class? Maybe going with that idea, you could say except when the word "text" comes in front of it.

"Certain books showed me how much I loved to help others, and how important it was for me to pursue my passion- because of that, I am now the first student employee at NOVA Pediatrics becoming one step closer to my dreams of being a pediatric surgeon"

I think you need to be more specific about how the books encouraged you to pursue your passion. I get what you are trying to do (a little bragging about yourself is always a good thing in these essays), but you need to connect it more to books, or it seems like you just threw it in there for brownie points.

The last line is nice, maybe a little cliche though.

You are a fantastic writer, so take or leave my criticisms, it's your essay. I hope this helps!

Undergraduate / "That is the ugliest work of art ; Brown/ Something you created [5]

Hey everyone, thank you so much for your help!

mela 3 and schoudry, I would be happy to help you out!

basaga- thank you, I used a lot of your feeback.

In my first one, I was trying to say that I belonged to the court, to tennis, and to on my doubles team. Like I felt like I belonged when I played doibles with Lauren. Would it help if I said "We undeniably belonged as a doubles team?"

Schoudry: In my first one, I was trying to say that I was proud of it because for once, like my mother, I could recognize beauty in the unappreciated as well. Do you have any suggestions for making that more clear?

Here are my revisions:
I felt like I truly belonged when...
In an intricate ballet of unspoken communication, explosive strokes, aggressive volleys, and a spark of magic, Lauren and I proved our point. Game, set, match. We undeniably belonged as a doubles team.

What is something you created that makes you especially proud, and why?
"That is the ugliest work of 'art' I have ever seen."

My sister, the one-stroke painting wonder, disdainfully held up my clay creation, button nose crinkled in evident distaste. Truth be told, Mr. Tiki was ugly. An off-centered lumpy snout, pouty lips in an "O!"; baleful eyes glaring at me accusingly. Why did you make me hideous?

"Love it!" My mother: the enduring advocate for misfits. She had a passion for salvaging- be it a frayed, patchwork quilt, or a painting which made me cringe. She saw something special in the unappreciated.

With her love, Mr. Tiki was oddly endearing, charming even. I re-examined my art, proud that like my mother, I too could recognize the beauty within the beast.

A distinctive feature of the Brown Curriculum is the opportunity to be the architect of your education.
Why does this academic environment appeal to you? (700 characters)
In sixth grade, architecture was my career flavor of the month; full of glamor: "See that skyscraper? I built it."

But, discovering that I would be required to draw (I couldn't) and master high-level math (I wouldn't), I cast my short-lived dream aside.

Regardless, I remain attracted to the idea of creating permanence. At Brown University, I can build something enduring: my education.

With Brown's 70 distinct concentrations, my design can take any form I choose -International Relations, Health and Human Biology, or an Independent Concentration that fulfills my goal: making a difference in Global Health.

At Brown, I can combine my passions into one magnificent result - a skyscraper of my own.