Posts by lalenaskye

lalenaskye

Jan 2, 2013

Undergraduate / America had blacs with a few white people; Brown Common App [4]

As a child, I was sure of three things: my parents loved me, my sister and I threw the best Barbie Doll weddings, and America was black. Just as China had Chinese people, and Canada had Canadians, America had blacks with a couple of whites. I could not have been any more incorrect.

I knew this because I grew up in Prince Georges County, Maryland, a predominately black suburb inof the nation's capital. A place where the diversity inof my elementary ~~girl~~school~~comprised~~included one white girl and the rest of the school was black? seems unclear , where those who were not black still had a deep understanding of the race black culture and traditions? maybe say that instead , and where black history month is every month. There have been times when I have questioned the presence of a white person walking in my neighborhood. "What could you possibly be doing here?" While living here has allowed me to have an intimate understanding of the complexities of black Americans and given me a comfort in being a black woman, it has also disillusioned me to the color of the world.

My mother always told me the world was not black; that Prince Georges County was abnormal. And I understood what she told me intellectually, but I did not quite understand emotionally. Maybe try: While I could understand what she told me on an intellectual level, I couldn't quite make sense of it emotionally.However, This emotional understanding came later in my life.

Walking with ~~the quickstep I use solely for food~~a skip in my step saved only for the certain consumption (don't like that word but synonyms) of food , I paced towards Chipotle looking forward to the chicken burrito that would soon be in my hands. My family and I were stopping for lunch in Arizona as we traveled back from visiting family. As I entered the restaurant and stood in line, I noticed that I was the only black person in the building. Scanning the room, I saw a little girl staring blankly at me as if I did not belong ~~in the line~~ . I had become the lone out of place? white person walking indown my neighborhood streets in Prince Georges County. There standing in line, ~~completing an everyday, basic action~~satisfying the simple, everyday craving for a burrito , I suddenly felt uncomfortable and awkward ~~with myself.~~ I realized quite suddenly that the world was not black and I was the minority.

Over the years, I have ~~become okay~~come to terms with this realization, I even find it exhilarating. The world not being black only means there is more opportunities for exploration; more people to meet, more cultures to learn about, more food to eat. All this and more, waiting for me to discover.

I like it, I think that if word count allots, you could add examples into your conclusion though

lalenaskye

Jan 2, 2013

Undergraduate / Biomedical Engineering, Natural Course of Action After Diagnosis [3]

"Scientific research is a human endeavor. The choices of topics that we research are based on our biases, our beliefs, and what we bring: our cultures and our families. The kinds of problems that people put their talents to solving depends on their values." - Dr. Clifton Poodry

How has your own background influenced the types of problems you want to solve?

The summer before senior year is a glorious time in Southern California; where soaking up the sun and relishing the fact that it's your last summer before college are your only priorities. However, your concerns quickly change when someone close becomes sick. During the summer, my grandfather was diagnosed with a genetic form of leukemia. His genetic disease is extremely rare a mutation that is incurable. Although his cancer had not yet progressed very far, my family's remaining options were either costly or risky. We could choose to scavenge enough money to afford a life-saving medicine or, as a last resort, we could attempt to pursue a bone marrow transplant. The weeks leading up to and following his diagnosis took an enormous financial and emotional toll on my entire family. There was nothing we could fix with a band-aid or hug; we were neither doctors nor knowledgeable in the field of cancer. All I knew at that time was that I wanted to make his life easier; I longed to take the heavy burden off of his shoulders and put them on my own. Nothing I could say was going to make it all go away, but now as a college bound student there is a chance that I could find a cure so that no one else would experience the sense of helplessness and hopelessness that we experience with my grandfather.

The idea of pursuing engineering was a seed that had already been planted several years earlier. However until my grandfather got sick, it had remained just that-a seed. After his diagnosis, I began to reconsider my career options and engineering began to sprout. Engineering, at its core, is the use of science and mathematics to create and develop concepts and materials that improves life for society as a whole. It wasn't long after I set my sights on engineering that I found biomedical engineering, a way to combine my interest in biology and engineering. Biomedical engineering seems to be a perfect way for me because it allows me to help others in my (insert adjective ) grandfather's position. Seeing my typically optimistic grandfather lose his will to pursue his passions broke my heart, I knew that the pain he was feeling affected his morale. Then, all I could do was hug him and tell him how much I loved him, but in the future I seek the knowledge to rewrite history. That is, for the families affected by potentially fatal mutations, there would be preventive methods and earlier detection. Cancer is deadly; but in genetic forms, there are ways to identify potentially fatal markers. At this point, the methods are invasive and painful, but I'd like to be able to fix that.

Struggling to figure out how to close
Will edit back if you want help!

lalenaskye

Jan 2, 2013

Undergraduate / My most influential person and the best friend is my mother [2]

The most influential person in my life is my mother. She taught me how to continue loving through the good and the bad. My mother' s love is unconditional, it is a characteristicIhope to equip [I don't like the word equip here, I don't think it makes sense. Perhaps, try a characteristic that you hope to abide by, or follow, etc] throughout my life. ~~I was about 13 when I found out that my mother loved me unconditionally.~~This sentence is repetitive. If the age 13 is important try incorporating it into the sentence before. The moment I lost ~~my mothers necklace (that my grandmother gave to her)~~the (adjective) necklace that had been in my family for generations I thought she was going to kill me Don't know if I like this wording, maybe something like I stopped dead in my tracks, deathly afraid of her rash reaction . I had never seen my mother so mad,~~at me.~~ I began to cry as she ~~was yelling at me~~continued to yellat me is implied . I ran into my room, closed the door, and wept all night. Why? Did you feel like you disappointed her? The sentence as it stands isn't very strong because it doesn't provide any reasoning behind it. Yes, you lost her necklace. Yes, she was mad. But had you not experienced this type of reaction before? Provide something so that readers can relate. Without any context, it almost sounds like you're overemotional and that's not what you want The next day my mom walked into my room and told me she was sorry with ~~the most regretful look~~a look of regret etched upon her face. In that moment I knew my mother was truly sorry and despite any remaining anger/disappointment, her love for me would be eternal . As we hugged in closure, she started to cry on my shoulder. I told my mom I will do anything to find it, but my mothers response was "That necklace will never amount to how much I love you". I will forever be amazed about my mothers love and care for me. I recommend trying to tell the story as it happened. It seems like for the most part what you are doing is telling the story, pause, reflection. Repeat. It might be more effective to tell it as it happened, reflections imbedded throughout. You have an emotional experience for both you and your mother that illustrates how it made your bond stronger. But you don't reveal much emotion throughout, but you should!

You need a linking sentence to combine the two ideas between unconditional love and her efficiency/dependability
She is also incredible at getting things done. It does not matter of the situation, my mother always comes through with whatever was needed. She puts others' needs before herself~~and I love that about her~~We already know that you love her, so try ending her with an example . Whenever someone asks for something, she is always the first one to deliver. examples?~~When I play softball we usually have 2 games a day, during these games somebody always runs out of water.~~Try rephrasing it like this: Playing multiple softball games on the weekends, it is inevitable that my teammates will run out of water My mother being the ~~caring~~compassionate person she is, offers to go buy them water from a store nearby . During ~~are~~our breaks between games she rushes to ~~go get~~retrieve water. though there is no personal benefit? maybe? When she returns she comes back with water, snacks, and ice for the ice chests. Not necessary My mother always ~~comes~~arrives prepared with more than needed ~~just~~in order to keep her friends and loved ones happy. I will never be able to understand how ~~big her heart is~~her heart is so enormous/welcoming , but I hope my heart takes after hers I think there might be a better way to phrase this to make it less repetitive but would retain the same idea . This new idea seemed to pop out of nowhere, find a link or try a new paragraph My mother is my best friend. Like all best friends she gives me the best advice. She has always tells me to stop ~~getting mad~~fretting/getting hung up over the little things, to ~~be more giving~~give more , and to strive for greatness. You want to keep the verbs all in the same tense. Stop, give, strive. If there is anyone who knows my flaws better than me, it is my mother. Are you sure you mean flaws? Saying flaws makes it seem really negative. She knows exactly how to ~~make~~brighten/improve my mood ~~change from mad to happy.~~ She is a girl' s best friend and a perfect mother. Day by day I take into consideration the things my mother has taught me. She is mythe most influential person to me . Beyond her compassion for myself and others~~not only because she is a loving mother, but because~~ she is an impeccable Not feeling that choice of words woman whose wisdom and selflessness ~~carry throughout her family.~~is evident in her daily activities/is an admirable characteristic

You have awesome ideas throughout, with a little editing on passive/active voice and remaining WITHIN the story instead of just an observer, it can be great! It is YOUR story, remember that. Though it is about your mother, you want to make sure that beyond just her actions, you discuss your emotional attachment and what not

lalenaskye

Jan 2, 2013

Undergraduate / Born and brought up in an Indian family; Colgate App [5]

~~Born and brought up~~Growing up in an Indian family, I have grown accustomed to Indian traditions and values. As my father's job entailed frequent transfers, a large part of my childhood was spent living a nomadic life living a...life sounds repetitive, maybe say "abiding by a nomadic lifestyle" , which exposed me to the incredible ethnic, linguistic and cultural diversities of my country. In India, with a mere 10 kilomet~~res~~ers traveled one l for traveled , one ~~discovers~~is introduced to distinct traditions, customs and ways of life. I have seen tribes of Andamans, Lakshadweep and Arunachal living in substantial I don't know if I like substantial in this context, considerable maybe? isolation and ~~also seen~~ communities ~~in whose life~~where modern civilization and ancient traditions co-exist creating a blending of cultures? creating what? Is it interesting? Beautiful? You don't need to add anything after it but it might be helpful if you do so readers can visualize what you are talking about . ~~These~~This exposures~~have~~has~~definitely~~irrevocably, irreversibly-personal preference, don't like definitely in formal writing made a mark on my personality, perspectives and outlook. maybe instead of my personality...you use who I have become, who I have grown up to be. just a suggestion My upbringing was never restricted by rigid religious practices, ~~and~~ hence secularism and egalitarianism were naturally ingrained in me naturally became ingrained into my system of beliefs and values? . The expansive Indian culture has taught me to respect diversity and, I am sure, will help me to appreciate the diversities of the vibrant Colgate community.

Today we live in a global village, where every person is connected to ~~every other~~one another . Knowing and understanding people from different backgrounds and respecting their perspectives and opinions are prerequisites to peace and harmony. Interaction with various members of diverse communities ofwithin Colgate University will be an enlightening experience eh, enlightening? how so? . It will be exciting to study the similarities and the distinctive~~ness o~~ f cultural elements of this community and ~~those of an ethnic community living in India.~~the various communities I was able to observe in India Another aspect of Colgate University that interests me is ~~to understand~~the prospect of understanding how exposure to modernity has impacted the culture and values of a community and what impact planned isolation may have made.

The last sentence seems to be slightly random. I understand where you are coming from, but I don't understand how you would be able to find the impact of planned isolation. I don't know much about Colgate, so that may be why. However, maybe ending it how your exposure to diversity has developed your values and cultural identity and you would like to observe that relationship in others

lalenaskye

Jan 2, 2013

Undergraduate / My testing scores and achievements - why Uchicago? [6]

I agree with the previous edits.

In order to incorporate the last sentence into your conclusion and tie everything together, I think you should mention something about it being a new place, a new city, country even.

Keep in mind these things:
-college is all about changing, experiencing something new
-you might be uprooting your life to go there!
-it'll be a challenge you are willing to face

Maybe something like this to conclude:
Though the University of Chicago will undoubtedly present both an academic challenge, its numerous social offerings will make me feel at home in a new city or country or state or location . No matter what is thrown at me, I believe I will make out the best during my four years at University of Chicago maybe instead of saying University of Chicago so often, you could just say the "Windy City" since that's the nickname that Chicago is given

If you have room for your word count, I'd add two or three extra sentences to your conclusion. Instead of referencing specific programs, be more general. Add on to your last sentence. Talk about how you may be international for a sentence, things like that.

lalenaskye

Jan 2, 2013

Undergraduate / Being a Wallflower-Not an Option at HMC! ; Why Harvey Mudd, HMC curriculm/ community? [2]

Hey guys, new to this site...
Anyway, without further ado

What influenced you to apply to Harvey Mudd College? What about the HMC curriculum and community appeals to you?

The first time I remember hearing about Harvey Mudd I was just beginning my freshman year of high school, my dad was talking about the good ol' days. "You know, the only person who got a better SAT score than me in high school went to Harvey Mudd. Jane Doe, she was pretty smart, I'll give her that," my dad would coo. Granted, it took several hundred remarks about Mudd and several years for me to do my own research, I haven't looked back since. Harvey Mudd always seemed slightly unattainable, but how could I resist risking my chances on a school that satisfies every academic and social component of my ideal college.

My firsthand experience with Mudd began the summer after my junior year at Girls State. I spent a week at Claremont McKenna and although it was beautiful, it wasn't for me. Luckily, I ran into a few CMC students that I overheard discussing a Computer Science class they had taken the previous semester at Harvey Mudd. After eavesdropping for a few minutes, my curiosity was getting the best of me and I decided to work up my confidence and butt in to ask more about their experience. Each school specializes in one subject or another and being able to broaden one's academic interests by cross enrolling seemed like a compelling idea. Though these students were Mudders, they had had a great deal more experience than I had in the Claremont consortium. It was during this brief, although extremely informative discussion, that I realized that there was simply something about Harvey Mudd that I must look into. After my week at Girls State, I wandered around the Claremont area and stumbled upon HMC's campus. Immediately, I was smitten. Because it was summer, I didn't get the opportunity to see many students riding skateboards or unicycles, but I had the honor of visiting again on a Mudd Unveiled Day.

During the Mudd Unveiled Day, I continued to fall in love each minute I heard my tour guides discover their beloved school. The general engineering degree they discussed was something quite different from every other university I had heard about. It allowed you to gain more general knowledge so that no matter where your career brought you, you could do a little in a lot of areas. To be it simply, my jaw dropped. I have always been quite indecisive and deciding on a particular major before even taking specialized classes in the subject area seemed daunting. HMC policy of not declaring any major until the end of sophomore year was alluring and beyond that each professor I had the honor of speaking to seemed to truly care. They were engaging and vivacious and they care about their students. At a small school, professors can do that, it seems. Before Mudd, I always thought that I wanted something completely different. I wanted a large school in an urban campus, I wanted to go into biomedical engineering and I was going to love it. But after learning about Mudd, my interests shifted. Maybe I don't want to get lost in a sea of twenty thousand students, I wanted a name, not a number. Harvey Mudd is a small school, you get to know your peers and the idea of being more than a wallflower is an opportunity that I cannot let pass me by.

Any feedback is greatly appreciated! Thank you all for taking the time to read it, even if you don't edit or comment. I wish I had found this site four years ago!