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Posts by linadu95
Joined: Jan 13, 2013
Last Post: Feb 13, 2013
Threads: 2
Posts: 5  

From: Canada

Displayed posts: 7
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linadu95   
Feb 13, 2013
Essays / How do I make my thesis into something debatable? [4]

Life is a very general topic, so you have to break it down into pieces .
e.g.
Life
different aspect of life
Happiness

From happiness you can further extend your thesis to what makes a person happy in life. Such as, friend, family, health, security or even wealth and power . And from there you can add on to each of these factors to form an essay.

That's the way I usually appoarch a very general topic, hope that helps! Good luck!
linadu95   
Feb 13, 2013
Undergraduate / Inspiration at the Hospital- University of Washington Transfer Personal Statement [4]

The cleanliness and the serenity along with the bustling and hustling of patients and family members and nurses were alluring that I was determined to become a doctor.

The cleanliness and the serenity along with the bustling and hustling of patients and family members and nurses were alluring, and from that moment on, I was determined to become a doctor.

My father was becoming distant as he rarely spoke a word to me when I saw him
My father became distant

No fun, no exhilaration, no adventures
I get that you are trying to emphasize your point here, but you may want to add in a "nor" in that sentence so it flows better.

Day toby Day, I picked my brothers up from school, raced home to do homework and to cook dinner.

Curiously, I asked them about their job and if they liked it.
You forgot a comma

My depressive thoughts left and I felt better knowing that I had a dream to work towards.
In this case, I would use goal instead of dream. Since, the word dream seems like something you may never achieve, but a goal is a challenge that you have set for yourself to achieve.

Baby unit because like the nurses at the hospital, I want to help babies stay when they are sick
That part did not really make sense. Do you want to help they babies when they are sick? or stay at what??

You have done a good job of improving your essay, the content is much more formal. Though, you are missing commas in few places and there are some grammar error too. Also, the essay required two parts the academic and personal. The personal is greatly emphasized, but I dont really see the academic side. Good job on the new edits!
linadu95   
Feb 12, 2013
Writing Feedback / ESCAPE FROM STRESSFUL LIVES; Descriptive Essay: Tiki Beach [3]

To escape the stressful lives that we all live today, my family and I decided to take a vacation to the Cayman Islands. The stunning view left me speechless, while the experience of jet skiing on the clear blue water sent shots of adrenalin through my veins, which left me savoring every moment on the island.

Looking out from the balcony of a small but exquisite restaurant, I gazed at the pale blue sky. Watched as the fluffy marshmallow clouds glided lazily across the sapphire sky. Below the pristine vault of heaven layed the splendid ocean. The sunlight lit up the clear turquoise water, as the rays of light penetrated the fragile surface of the sea. I walked down the newly painted stairs, but was soon startled - not by the heat radiating from the pearl white sand, rather than the texture. The fine grinds of crystal formed a soft cushion, with each step I sank further into the frosted mattress. As I walked towards the vintage lounge chair, the sun rays attacked my bare skin. Meanwhile, the tingling burning sensation heated my body. Finally, I reached for the bamboo chair, while the trickles of sweat rolled down my cheek. It was quiet on the beach, besides the gently and soft sound of the waves, as the ocean came and went.

There were only a few people on the beach. A couple sat beneath the beach ball colored sun umbrella. The young man layed on his back avoiding any meaningless movements, as he stayed still, wish the waves of heat would die down. On the other hand, the brunette woman prepared herself for a long tanning sessions, as she carefully applied the white paste sunscreen to every inch of her body. In the far distance, two young children played gingerly in the water, as if they were too afraid to interrupt the mesmerizing scenery before them. The little boy held his sweetheart's hand and led her towards a new adventure, exploring the magnificent yet mysterious sea that layed before their eyes. Looking through my sunglasses, an odd pair caught my eyes. An elderly man in a Hawaiian shirt swiftly climbed a brown haired horse. With a quick snap with his wrist, he expertly controlled the horse as it jogged along the water.

The sun reached its highest point as noon stepped in, I hopped of the lounge chair and headed over to one the colorful jet skis parked near a small wooden shack on the water. Eagerly, I turned on the vehicle and the powerful engine roared on the quiet beach. As I slowly twisted the gas handle bar, the ski took off instantaneously, almost threw me off in the process. As the machine gains speed, the clement wind rushed towards me, as well the cool water splashed from all around the jet ski refreshed my warm body. Meanwhile, shots of adrenalin pumped into my veins pushing to go faster. the danger of falling thrilled me, as giggles escaped my closed lips. Suddenly, the scorching heat radiated from the sun was no longer present, nothing was present, but the sensations and what was ahead of me were the only things mattered. As I became more familiar with my new found joy, the more fearless I became. I leaped up with each wave I hit, using the momentum to reach higher with each jump. With every turn I faced, I shifted my weight to push for shaper turns. Time sliped by quickly, as I roamed the ocean surface, soon the fuel level became low, forcing me to drive back.

I sat as the dark orange sun started to set, while the sky and the entire ocean became red. I watched as I searched for words, paradise. As days went on, the vacation chased all my stress away leaving me completely rejuvenated. The picture of the beach sun set will forever be burned into my memory.

Thank you for reading my essay! Please feel free to edit! I think my introduction and conclusion are both quite weak, please help me on that. Thank you!
linadu95   
Feb 12, 2013
Undergraduate / A Mind for Nursing and Midwifery-UT Austin NURSING TRANSFER Statement of Purpose [3]

You could call what happened to me next a minor set back in my life in terms of formal educational pursuits
Just leave the you part out, as it is a formal writing you do not want to make your essay seem too casual.

The essay is quite good, you answered all the questions and drew lessons from the experiences. Though, there are numbers of "I"s in your essay, with can make the reading a bit dry. You could consider going back and change some of the wordings. Good luck!
linadu95   
Feb 12, 2013
Undergraduate / Inspiration at the Hospital- University of Washington Transfer Personal Statement [4]

Also, the idea of diagnosing people appealed to me.

In order to see if I wanted to join the medical field, I took this class my high school offered called Health Science where students learn and become a certified nursing assistant.

This sentence is way too casual for essay writing. Try and use formal vocabulary.

The class gave me the opportunity to go to hospitals and nursing homes to practice my skills and shadow nurses . The class further proved that I aspire to be a doctor.

This class provided me the opportunity to go to hospitals and nursing homes to shadow nurses as well perfecting my skills. This experience has further prved that I aspire to become a doctor.

I think you should go through your essay again, because some of the wordings are too casual for this type of writing, and there are quite a few grammatical errors as well.
linadu95   
Jan 13, 2013
Undergraduate / Networking / Pacific National Exhibition; Why U Toronto?/Extracurricular activities? [3]

What has inspired you to pursue an engineering degree and why would you like to study at the University of Toronto?
What skills have you developed through your extra-curricular experiences that will support your future success as both a student and an engineer?

I grew up in a world of fast growing science and technology, which had sparked my interest in engineering early on in my life. Engineering is the foundations of the luxurious privileges that we enjoy today, but many do not realize the complexity of this field of profession. Yet, I am prepared to undertake the difficult problems and tasks that accompanies it.

Growing up I have always been influenced to not only see the "what" but understand the "why" behind things that I encounter in life. My father is a civil engineer and he always encourages me to initiate investigates to not only appreciate the exterior of the objects, as well as understand how it is able to function the way it does. At the same time, as a highschool student I have always been fascinated with the different sciences, though I often find myself wondering how do some of the concepts that I have encountered apply to real life. After having to familiarized myself with engineering, I realized that it gives me an opportunity to not only continue my interest in physics, but also allows me to use my knowledge and utilize it in everyday life. As I reach the senior level of science in highschool, I began tutoring other students in chemistry and basic sciences. During the sessions, I helped my fellow peers to understand the core concepts of every problem. It is through these experiences, I have learned to not only understand the ideas but to communicate it with others, developing patience and solid team work skills. In addition, I volunteered at community centers for sports and holiday camps, because I believe in giving back to the community as I have been so privileged to grow and learn in such a blissful environment, meanwhile I also enjoy helping others with skills that I posses. Last summer, I worked for Pacific National Exhibition, I was intrigued by the physics and the mechanic behind every rollercoaster and amusement ride, not only I had the opportunity to communicate with the engineers who designed some of the rides, also I was treated to review the blueprints for the rides and the physics behind each coaster. At the same time, I worked as a games attendant in the amusement park, I learned to communicate with others, while utilizing the sales training that I have received in the "field". Throughout my experience during my summer, I had a better understanding of the field of engineering as well as the skills for articulating my thoughts to others.

I believe enrolling in the University of Toronto would offer me the opportunity to meet and connect with variety of people, and surrounding myself with hard working and intelligent peers will motivate myself to become a better me. In addition, U of T offers the Professional Experience Year, which allows me to participate in the actual field, while traveling around the world to experience the different cultures and aspect of engineering. Studying in this university would grant me everything I need to exceed my goals for my future.

Thanks for reading my essay, Im not really strong at writing, so please help me with editing this.
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