Posts by siobhan613

siobhan613

Mar 6, 2013

Undergraduate / I have always been besan, a plain Indian flour!; PERSUASIVE ESSAY [4]

I was intrigued by the topic of your essay but the overall effect was negative. Your writing is beautiful and descriptive which is your strength. Only you run on for paragraph after paragraph about how you are plain and spend too little time describing WHY plain is GOOD.

Personally I would take the three middle paragraphs and either combine them into one or get rid of them all together. Your essay begins to take shape in the last two paragraphs and those are the ones you should elaborate on with your skillful writing. You may be "plain" but you should be selling why plain is good for the majority of your essay not the closing.

siobhan613

Mar 2, 2013

Book Reports / LOUIS RIEL: HERO OR VILLAIN ? A traitor [3]

Riel is also a Metis leader, and educated in the city of Montreal. I would change this to Riel became a Metis leader, and was educated in the city of Montreal. Beginning with Riel was born then not continuing in the same tone breaks the flow.

This question brings me to my third point. - you may make 1,2, etc points but jumping from "One major point.." to a third point, made me go back and check if I missed your second point... I did not find the point... you neglect to point it out to the reader.

Not only was Riel biased, but Louis was also responsible for illegal actions. Using Louis instead of HE sounds to familiar as if you know Louis...For that matter you change through out the essay from using only the last name to both to the first name and back and forth... It may serve you better to pick one and maintain it throughout only reverting back to Both first and last when really important.

As an example "For that reason, Louis had to spend 5 years out of Canada as Riel`s own fine for executing Thomas Scott."

I would also consider stating the statues in which Canada expresses what a traitor is... though inserting it may not be good alluding to it may strengthen you stance.

siobhan613

Mar 2, 2013

Writing Feedback / Group Study promotes sharing ideas and knowledge, correcting faults, learning communication skills [4]

Your overall essay is good the message is on point. You need to correct some words that are used incorrectly and consider some minor revision....

"also making a speech in front of others." - Also peaking in front of others.... or speaking in front of a group. Making a speech is not used correctly in the sentence. - it is ok later in the essay.

learn better - learn more

To begin with,....Having considered so... In view of the fact ..Last but not least,.... overusing transitions is not good and sound pretentious, unless you actually speak like this I would consider making the tone more personal.

With no doubts, I consider only one aspect of scientific issues while my co-workers think about other aspects.---- No, doubt, I may consider only one aspect of a scientific issue while my co-workers think about other aspects. We all can take advantage of different thoughts and perspectives and broaden our horizons and mind about issues.

milky galaxy - Milky Way Galaxy

Last but not least, studying in a group contributes me --- motivates instead of contributes, contributes is not used correctly.

siobhan613

Mar 2, 2013

Undergraduate / I have been interested in computers and other electrical devices;TOPIC OF MY CHOICE [4]

Three score and seven years ago, shouldn't be used in my opinion since it can be argued that the date of the first computer predates the 1940's, also the terminology is antiquated and even more so when talking about computers.

consider your audience...especially when deeming it scary to live without modern comforts. If the essay gets read by someone older they will have memories of times near to what you describe as scary, most likely fond memories. It's not a good idea to alienate your possible audience. - just a thought to consider.

"Whether it be arts and entertainment, health, science, or even medicine; computers help, not only people communicate, but as well as other things communicate with one another." -- this is a good thought but consider modifying the end of the sentence - it's vague and doesn't make your point as strong.

the second paragraph is good it brings the personal in... I would move the last sentence to the beginning of the fourth paragraph and edit from "Computers and technology is changing every day and will continue to change forever." to - Technology is changing every day and will continue to change, I believe computer science is an excellent specialty.

You should consider changing the tone of the fourth paragraph to speak to and about the college you are seeking admission from and allocate the qualities and personal desires to being provided or achieved at XYZ college. "I would like to find a program that offers the opportunity to study and learn in a well-structured and well-administered environment with professors who love to teach." -- You sound like you are still searching, and the college you are applying to may or may not have these qualities...a change in tone to... AT XYZ college I have found a program....etc. Also "Further, I need the right fit..." Futhermore is a better fit.

Best to You

siobhan613

Jan 23, 2013

Undergraduate / Cartwheels at 70; FIT admission/ Why I'm a perfect candidate?/ My major [5]

Thank you so much for your Help!

siobhan613

Jan 18, 2013

Undergraduate / Cartwheels at 70; FIT admission/ Why I'm a perfect candidate?/ My major [5]

FIT ESSAY 2013

What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT? Why are you interested in the major you are applying to?

Cartwheels at 70

I was watching a recap of NY fashion week and found out a favorite designer of mine started her work designing at the big 40 that is to say she is now 70 and still doing cartwheels down the runway. I imagine that is how she'll drop dead too, but I digress. It gave me the confidence to believe my next chapter is going to be cartwheels at 70, and a major step towards that is FIT.

I'm now a photographer in the fashion industry. I am at a stage in my life and career that I am ready to re-focus. I am satisfied as a photographer but I have never felt that I had figured out what I wanted to go to college for. It was serendipity to learn that Betsy Johnson's fashion career started mid-life.

As a teenager I applied to SIU-C and completed a few semesters with good grades till I began to realize that a photography degree (pre-digital) was not mandatory so I opted for life lessons. While in the process of deciding to leave school at this stage and age in life, I mistakenly did not take into account the drop in grade point and the long-term repercussions of the decision in regards to my education.

In the school of life I grew from a small town girl with small town dreams to a woman treading the mean streets of the big apple (in Louboutins) I have worked as a freelance photographer on fashion editorials to a corporate Imaging Manager producing the images of garments for the database of a fashion wholesaler.

I have learned thru these experiences that I needed more, that my full potential has not been utilized, and that fashion is the industry I am the happiest in. Within fashion it took me a while to determine just what program to focus my energy on, I was not surprised to find that FIT had a degree program that tailored itself seemingly directly to me. International Marketing and Trade incorporates my love of language, my desire to be involved with the world, being aware of international trends, maintaining relationships with people I meet when traveling internationally.

Being an integral part of this global economy and incorporating my visual skills along with my logical and analytical skills. I applied to FIT as soon as I saw that it was the right fit for me. Submitted my application to the AS in Advertising and Marketing and planned to continue on to the BS.

I was not surprised when I was rejected; my grades from college twenty years ago were less than stellar. FIT has a track record of producing award winning and noteworthy alumni, these people may not have been rejected when applying for admission but they have one thing in common with me, rejection is not failure it is a call to action!

Since then I have taken action. I am enrolled at SUNY Empire State College and have a GPA of 3.67. I am in my first semester and will complete an AA in June. The classes I am taking are preparing me for my coursework at FIT. I will have Statistics, Micro Economics, and two years of French completed before I begin the fall term, if accepted.

I want to take my career to the next level not only that I want to redirect my focus; it is through my education at FIT that I will be able to make that happen.

Studying at FIT allows me to connect with industry leaders and government officials, exploring opportunities thru its mentoring programs and alumni network (ITAN). But most importantly to get my education at an institution whose curriculum evolves to reflect the trends in the field.

I'm excited to become a student in the nights and weekends program at FIT, and get a BS in International Marketing and Trade. I bring the determination and vision of those who call themselves alumni (I know many) and hope that I can have the opportunity to show you just that.