Undergraduate / Advertising has always fascinated me; Art Institute of California - LA / Career Goa [4]

Ryane777

1.Ever since I thought of what to do in the future my mind always wanted a career that can make me pass information to as many people as possible in the shortest time.

2.Being connected to people with similar interest all in one place is a great way to gain experience and the knowledge I need to help create the connections required to achieving my goals in life.

these 2 sentences are wordiness. however, Grammatically, this sentences are correct

which means, sentence has more than 20 words without punctuation, or more than 40 words altogether

so re-phrasing the sentence, or breaking it into smaller sentences

for the passive voices

consider changing it to the active voice

for the fragment sentences,

fragment is created when the subject and predicate are not in the same clause ; most of time, it can be fixed by using commas

Writing Feedback / IELTS -TASK1- Changes in means of transport in England during fifteen years [4]

The tables shows[use a singular instead of plural] how modes of travelling changed in England in 1985 and 2000.
The most significant feature is that car remained the main mode of travel after 15 years. The average distance travvelled[traveled] by car had the most impressive increasing, about 1400 miles per year while individual mode of travel, such as bicycle and walking had a slighlt y decreasing.

In the other handm colletive mode, like [a or an] train and bus, suffered a[to be ] gently growing in the 15 year-period.
The second tre nd is that English people are travelling almost 2000 miles more per year in 2000[past tense; use the proper verb form], and they are travelling to longer distances as it can be seen by the 50% increase on long distance bus and the 50% dropping on local bus.

overall, the main mode in bir th years is the car and then the train.

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The second trend is that English people are travelling almost 2000 miles more per year in 2000 and they are travelling to longer distances as it can be seen by the 50% increase on long distance bus and the 50% dropping on local bus.

Overall, the main mode in birth years is the car and then the train.
[this whole sentence is wordiness ; sentence has more than 20 words without punctuation, or more than 40 words altogether. try to break it up by using commas, semi-colons...etc]

Undergraduate / Advertising has always fascinated me; Art Institute of California - LA / Career Goa [4]

I tried my best
My advision might be wrong
So don't fully lean on my advisions
Traveling across continents through my childhood has always made me appreciate my mixed background. Through traveling across Middle East and the United States my eyes always caught [the ]attention of a wide variety of cultures and the way people communicate [ sentence fragments, check again] . Ever since I thought of what to do in the future my mind always wanted a career that can make me pass information to as many people as possible in the shortest time.[ wordiness; sentence has more than 20 words without punctuation, or more than 40 words altogether.]

From my continuous visits to the kingdom of Saudi Arabia and the United States, I have learned so many things in terms of cultures, religion, food and so much more. I have always been inspired by both countries[;] this is one of the reasons I wanted to study advertising. However, studying in California AKA the land of opportunity, would help me widen my inspiration and has always been my dream place where I want to start my future.

Part of my dream, I always wanted to study advertising so that I can be able to express my thoughts, emotions, experiences and my inner dreams through media. At the same time, I'd be able to share it with the world.

My interest in arts, humanity and languages has always driven me towards the field of advertising. Being a creative, persuasive and eloquent kind of person, I strongly believe that advertising is my ideal field of study. A part from having academic strength in subjects related to this field, my exposure and talent, are my additional driving force towards this program.

Advertising has always fascinated me especially aspects that deal with billboards and media production. In my free time watching TV is more interesting when numerous advertisementsare broadcasted[passive voice][Review this whole sentence for sentence structure; Consider inserting it or there before the verb is.] I find pleasure in analyzing advertisements and thinking of the ideas behind them in relation to the targeted people. For instance when I first watched an Audi A8 car being advertised[passive voice] , my first thought was how the advertiser could improve advert to capture more people to buy the car. I got a feeling that I could do the same when I grow up.

After receiving information from your AiLA website and getting details about the programs offered, I strongly believe that AiLA is my ultimate choice. Being connected to people with similar interest all in one place is a great way to gain experience and the knowledge I need to help create the connections required to achieving my goals in life.

Finally I look forward to having a great improvement in my social skills and academic development when I join AiLA, I will join and actively participate in clubs and societies that will build my skills and talents. It will be an honor and privilege to belong to AiLA community.

Writing Feedback / My Moms' Most Significant Memory; Narrative on a significant memory [3]

I did best job as possible,
hope you got good grade
My advision might be wrong

I asked my mom about her most significant memory, of course it was about her children. Tonya said that each kid has brought new meaning into her life, another reason to carry out each day, another thing to love, and another friend. Each kid is special in his or her own way, different levels of patience and personality. My mom said she has learned so much more than she would have ever thought to have learned from her kids like, endurance, value of life, laughter, true love, the simple things in life, andto never take[The infinitive verb "to " has been split by the modifier "never"]a day for granted[verb tense, verb tenses are in the proper sequence, particularly if the independent clause is in the past tense. ]. She learned to never take[The infinitive verb "to " has been split by the modifier "never" ] a day for granted when her son almost died in a car wreck. The car was totaled[passive voice; change it] ,and they had to use the jaws of life to retrieve William, if he wouldn't have been in her car[ squinting modifiers , Make sure it is clear which clause is being modified by this word] there was a possibility that he could not have survived the car crash, this is why[wordiness; choose another word] Tonya never takes a day for granted. Her oldest son, Robert, has taught her to never judge[split infinitives; check again] a person by their looks, she says that Robert has never been judgmental toward anyone or anything. Robert came home with a tattoo one day, and Tonya was extremely upset with him, but after a while, it doesn't matter about what they look like, it's about their personality and who they truly are on the inside. Her second oldest, James, has taught her patience, something that hehimself needs to learn. James is a miniature father to his younger sister and is a spitting image of his own father. [and] His father is just as impatient as James and you have to have patience with an impatient person. Her second youngest, Samuel, has taught her the simple things in life. Samuel everyday goes to his woodshop for three or so hours to just enjoy[split infinitive; check again ]life and to get away from everything going on in the world. Her youngest and only daughter, Ann Caroline,has taught ][ use have or had] her to just smile and laugh at the mistakes in life. Ann Caroline has always been so full of life and laughter, [ ; ] she is easy going and always cheerful. All five of her kids have taught her the meaning of true love and how to look through each kids perspective and to never judge [ The quantifier "each" may not be used properly in this sentence. Consider changing the noun to the singular, or using a different adjective with the plural noun ]