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Advertising has always fascinated me; Art Institute of California - LA / Career Goa


Ryane777 1 / 1  
Feb 25, 2013   #1
To whom it may concern,

It would be greatly appreciated if you could help me with this essay below. I would like to know if this is a good answer to the question given to me. Changing a few words to a more advanced one would be a plus.

Please help me with what you could help me. Minimum 150 words, no max! I've written 453 words.

Thank you...

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Traveling across continents through my childhood has always made me appreciate my mixed background. Through traveling across Middle East and the United States my eyes always caught attention of a wide variety of cultures and the way people communicate. Ever since I thought of what to do in the future my mind always wanted a career that can make me pass information to as many people as possible in the shortest time.

From my continuous visits to the kingdom of Saudi Arabia and the United States, I have learned so many things in terms of cultures, religion, food and so much more. I have always been inspired by both countries, this is one of the reasons I wanted to study advertising. However, studying in California AKA the land of opportunity, would help me widen my inspiration and has always been my dream place where I want to start my future.

Part of my dream, I always wanted to study advertising so that I can be able to express my thoughts, emotions, experiences and my inner dreams through media. At the same time I'd be able to share it with the world.

My interest in arts, humanity and languages has always driven me towards the field of advertising. Being a creative, persuasive and eloquent kind of a person, I strongly believe that advertising is my ideal field of study. A part from having academic strength in subjects related to this field, my exposure and talent are my additional driving force towards this program.

Advertising has always fascinated me especially aspects that deal with billboards and media production. In my free time watching TV is more interesting when numerous advertisements are broadcasted. I find pleasure in analyzing advertisements and thinking of the ideas behind them in relation to the targeted people. For instance when I first watched an Audi A8 car being advertised, my first thought was how the advertiser could improve advert to capture more people to buy the car. I got a feeling that I could do the same when I grow up.

After receiving information from your AiLA website and getting details about the programs offered, I strongly believe that AiLA is my ultimate choice. Being connected to people with similar interest all in one place is a great way to gain experience and the knowledge I need to help create the connections required to achieving my goals in life.

Finally I look forward to having a great improvement in my social skills and academic development when I join AiLA, I will join and actively participate in clubs and societies that will build my skills and talents. It will be an honor and privilege to belong to AiLA community.

Sincerely,
Ryane Binmahfooz
gudxo2014 - / 4 1  
Feb 25, 2013   #2
I tried my best
My advision might be wrong
So don't fully lean on my advisions
Traveling across continents through my childhood has always made me appreciate my mixed background. Through traveling across Middle East and the United States my eyes always caught [the ]attention of a wide variety of cultures and the way people communicate [ sentence fragments, check again] . Ever since I thought of what to do in the future my mind always wanted a career that can make me pass information to as many people as possible in the shortest time.[ wordiness; sentence has more than 20 words without punctuation, or more than 40 words altogether.]

From my continuous visits to the kingdom of Saudi Arabia and the United States, I have learned so many things in terms of cultures, religion, food and so much more. I have always been inspired by both countries[;] this is one of the reasons I wanted to study advertising. However, studying in California AKA the land of opportunity, would help me widen my inspiration and has always been my dream place where I want to start my future.

Part of my dream, I always wanted to study advertising so that I can be able to express my thoughts, emotions, experiences and my inner dreams through media. At the same time, I'd be able to share it with the world.

My interest in arts, humanity and languages has always driven me towards the field of advertising. Being a creative, persuasive and eloquent kind of person, I strongly believe that advertising is my ideal field of study. A part from having academic strength in subjects related to this field, my exposure and talent, are my additional driving force towards this program.

Advertising has always fascinated me especially aspects that deal with billboards and media production. In my free time watching TV is more interesting when numerous advertisementsare broadcasted[passive voice][Review this whole sentence for sentence structure; Consider inserting it or there before the verb is.] I find pleasure in analyzing advertisements and thinking of the ideas behind them in relation to the targeted people. For instance when I first watched an Audi A8 car being advertised[passive voice] , my first thought was how the advertiser could improve advert to capture more people to buy the car. I got a feeling that I could do the same when I grow up.

After receiving information from your AiLA website and getting details about the programs offered, I strongly believe that AiLA is my ultimate choice. Being connected to people with similar interest all in one place is a great way to gain experience and the knowledge I need to help create the connections required to achieving my goals in life.

Finally I look forward to having a great improvement in my social skills and academic development when I join AiLA, I will join and actively participate in clubs and societies that will build my skills and talents. It will be an honor and privilege to belong to AiLA community.
OP Ryane777 1 / 1  
Feb 25, 2013   #3
Thank you gudxo2014...

It would be great if you could help me correct it please. And do you think it fully answers the question?
gudxo2014 - / 4 1  
Feb 25, 2013   #4
Ryane777

1.Ever since I thought of what to do in the future my mind always wanted a career that can make me pass information to as many people as possible in the shortest time.

2.Being connected to people with similar interest all in one place is a great way to gain experience and the knowledge I need to help create the connections required to achieving my goals in life.


these 2 sentences are wordiness. however, Grammatically, this sentences are correct

which means, sentence has more than 20 words without punctuation, or more than 40 words altogether

so re-phrasing the sentence, or breaking it into smaller sentences

for the passive voices

consider changing it to the active voice

for the fragment sentences,

fragment is created when the subject and predicate are not in the same clause ; most of time, it can be fixed by using commas


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