harmonyrulez101
Mar 9, 2013
Undergraduate / "We are going to America"; Quest Bridge C/ Significant Achievement [3]
I think that you have a great concept and you explained quite well. you're right. you are lucky. also, your essay is very well-written. I was surprised when you mentioned that english wasn't your first language, I would never have guessed. great job.
you have an issue with sentence placing here I lived in a small village in Vietnam until the age of nine when my mom,with her eyes shimmering with hope, told me, "We are going to America." After my dad passed away two years earlier, we both needed to start anew maybe switch those two concepts around? they seem out of order..
my parents who never even passed the 6th grade did not have replace "never even" with "did not" or plain old "never".
my mom's struggles become more transparent to me I think you mean "apparent" instead of "transparent".
why is opportunities in quotations? you should take it out in my opinion, but you don't have to. it isn't a language error or anything, just my opinion.
you have a few wording choices here, my grandmother held my hands while trying to keep her tears back told me I was her only hope for my dad's legacy to live on here, provide for me but also to be as a mother and a father figure and here and I see my opportunities of the gateway to a perfect life for my mom and me that are awkward but understandable. so maybe switch the words around? try reading it out loud. that always helps me.
other than those, replace that semicolon with a comma and you're good to go. you did a great job, this essay is really inspiring. I hope this helps, good luck!
p. s. I'm applying to Questbridge too! (:
I think that you have a great concept and you explained quite well. you're right. you are lucky. also, your essay is very well-written. I was surprised when you mentioned that english wasn't your first language, I would never have guessed. great job.
you have an issue with sentence placing here I lived in a small village in Vietnam until the age of nine when my mom,
my parents who never even passed the 6th grade did not have replace "never even" with "did not" or plain old "never".
my mom's struggles become more transparent to me I think you mean "apparent" instead of "transparent".
why is opportunities in quotations? you should take it out in my opinion, but you don't have to. it isn't a language error or anything, just my opinion.
you have a few wording choices here, my grandmother held my hands while trying to keep her tears back told me I was her only hope for my dad's legacy to live on here, provide for me but also to be as a mother and a father figure and here and I see my opportunities of the gateway to a perfect life for my mom and me that are awkward but understandable. so maybe switch the words around? try reading it out loud. that always helps me.
other than those, replace that semicolon with a comma and you're good to go. you did a great job, this essay is really inspiring. I hope this helps, good luck!
p. s. I'm applying to Questbridge too! (: