Posts by RedFire

RedFire

May 7, 2013

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - People are now able to overcome long distances in a short amount of time [3]

Hi,

I've written another essay in 30 minutes. Like my first one I haven't made any changes afterwards. I struggled a little with the topic, so please let me know what you think:

Some people think that the automobile has improved modern life. Others think that the automobile has caused serious problems. What is your opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Nowadays the automobile is one of the most significant forms of transportation in everyday life. Many people own cars and use them daily, which clearly shows how important they are. Generally speaking, I definitely agree with the statement that cars have improved modern life, for several reasons.

Firstly, people are now able to overcome long distances in a short amount of time, which leads to numerous advantages. For example in relationships. Many people are now able to maintain relationships over great distances because they can visit each other regularly by using their vehicle. From my personal experience I recall that my car has always been a great help to see my childhood friends very often although I lived in another city. I was also able to establish a relationship with a man living 89 kilometers away. Thanks to my car we could see each other at the weekends and are still a happy couple today. Without my automobile we would probably not have been able to develop a relationship.

In addition, cars increase the chance of employment because people are able to drive to work and can work further away from home. Furthermore, they are more flexible. My father for example has always been working all around Germany and because of that earned more money. He used his car to drive to the other end of the country, worked there during the week and came home for the weekend. If he had no car, he wouldn't be able to see his family at the weekends so for him his automobile is a great benefit - not only in financial but also in social terms.

Finally, the automobile allows people to travel more often and thus get to know the world. If people do not own cars they are likely to stay in their hometown or village most of their life. They are mainly using public transport and are thus limited in accessing certain areas. There are still places in nearly every country in the world that cannot be reached by public transportation and can only be visited by car. As a result, people who own a vehicle have greater access to more places and will see more of the world.

In conclusion, the above stated reasons clearly outweigh the fact that cars cause a lot of pollution because they provide flexibility, which is important in nearly all areas of life. Travelling, social life and employment are highly dependent on the flexibility of a person and there is nothing in the world that makes more flexible than an own car.

RedFire

May 7, 2013

Writing Feedback / Should voluntary plastic surgery be banned? [4]

Hi Richardsu,

this is a well developed and informative essay. I just spotted some minor lapses, which I will show in the following. The only problem is, you didn't really answer the question. You have shown the pros and cons of plastic surgery but you didn't state whether or not plastic surgery should be banned. This is significant and shouldn't be overlooked because they will probably give you lower scores if you don't answer the question. No matter how nicely written you essay is - so make sure to really answer the question!

Here is what I've found:

most plastic surgeries are not cosmetic surgeries. It also includes reconstructive surgery for example, reconstruction for cleft lip

You are referring to "cosmetic surgeries" which is plural, so you have to use "they" instead of "it" in the next sentence.

The heart person of love of beauty all has it.

I really don't understand this sentence. Maybe you have to rephrase it or use other words but this really doesn't make any sense.

Nowadays more and more normal person accept cosmetic surgery voluntarily toward aesthetic ideal.

Use "people" instead of "normal person". First of all, more and more indicates plural and the "normal" is ambigious. There is an "s" missing in "towards". Also: "the aesthetic ideal"!

Surgery of double eyelid, tummy tuck, liposuction, boob job, nose lift are popular. And even some person will accept surgery of changing the shape of face, length of leg by operation on the bones.

In listings, always use "and" or "or" before the last, e.g. "boob job AND nose lift" and "the shape of face OR length of leg". In addition, you have to use "people" as plural for "person" and "surgery TO change the shape of face".

Most of them can achieve the satisfaction, delight and regain their self confidence from the operation changing the appearance.

I would omit the "can" and definitely the "the" before "satisfaction". Also "changing THEIR appearance."

Therefore cosmetic surgery is not only medical techniques toward physical problem but also for psychological problem.

"Therefore cosmetic surgery is not only A medical technique towardS physical problemS but also for psychological problemS." It's better to use the plural here.

Some person are preoccupied with what they regard as defects in their faces and bodies.

Again, the plural for person is people!

They suffer from psychological disorder which cosmetic surgery can not cure or even will make it worse.

"or will even make worse" - wrong sentence structure here.

Like many others, the pros and cons of it depends on how we use it.

The "s" is only added to a verb in the 3rd person singular. Pros and cons are plural, so you have to use "depend" instead of "depends".

Hope that helps,

RedFire

RedFire

May 7, 2013

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay: "Haste makes waste" do you agree with the statement or not ? [4]

Hi LAB328,

I've just read through your essay and found it rather difficult in the beginning. The essay is quite short and sometimes the structure is not quite clear. I would recommend to use paragraphs because that makes the reading a lot easier.

Let's go through your essay. At the very beginning you use

This saying is stating that

, for the reader, however, it is not obvious what you are talking about. It would be better if you would include the saying in your statement. For example: "The saying 'haste makes waste' is stating that..."

making a quick decision means that it's not very thought out, and that it hasn't been checked from all its aspects

In this statement I would change the word choice: "not very thought through" and "hasn't been looked at from all perspectives".

Consequently, leading to a probable bad end result.

There is something missing in this sentence. There is no subject, so you have to refer to the preceding sentence somehow. For example: "Consequently, this is leading to a bad result" - omit the "end" here.

In another word, if this person had waited and thought his decision through he wouldn't have missed out on the job opening in the same firm, but at a different position.

I think you mean "in other words". Furthermore, the last part of the sentence is ambigious. What do you mean by "but at a different position"? The job opening? I think, I would just leave this out.

Not to mention, that hasty decisions, not only goes to waste,...

Decisions is plural, so you have to use "go" instead of "goes".

To put it differently, is that after this person has quit his job and became unemployed.

You can't start over with "is" in this case. "To put it differently, after quitting his job this person became unemployed." In fact, "to put it differently" means to say the same thing in other words. I don't think that's the case here so you should probably use a different phrase.

Generally I think, you have some good points, Just make sure that you develop your arguments a little further and that you have a clear introduction and conclusion. I like the fact that you sticked to your first example throughout the essay. I only had the feeling that you could express the single arguments a little stronger and again: the conclusion and introduction don't seem very clear.

I hope this helps,

RedFire

RedFire

Apr 30, 2013

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ibT: What do you want most in a friend? Intelligent, humor, reliable? [3]

Hi dumi,

thanks for your advise. I aim to write a few more essays to get used to the timing and also improve my structure. Thanks also for the links, they're very helpful. ;)

RedFire

Apr 30, 2013

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ibT: What do you want most in a friend? Intelligent, humor, reliable? [3]

Hi,

as part of my TOEFL ibT preparation, I've written the following essay. I've tried to write in under TOEFL conditions and timed myself on it. This has been written within 30 minutes and has not been edited afterwards. Please let me know what you think and how you would rate it.

What do you want most in a friend - someone who is intelligent, or someone who has a sense of humor, or someone who is reliable? Which one of these characteristics is most important to you? Use reasons and specific examples to explain your choice.

Friends are an important part of life and there is scarcely a person without friends at all. Most people have more than one friend but still stick to a small group of people with whom they are very close. The question is what are the most valuable characteristics in friends? What makes them differ from acquaintancies? What makes them so important to us?

In my opinion, it depends on the individual person which characteristics he or she seeks in a friend. Intelligence, sense of humor and reliability, however, are probably the most named qualities people would like to have in a friend. But which of these character traits is the most important one? For me personally it would be a healthy mixture of all three. Intelligence, to begin with, is quite necessary because I appreciate the idea of being able to share my thoughts with a person equal to me. If I talk about my studies for example, I actually expect the other person to generally understand what I am saying - even if they work in a totally different subject area. A person who lacks intelligence would probably not be able to follow me and couldn't support me if I asked for help. Thus, intelligence definitely is one of the things I really value in a friend.

Sense of humor is, of course, a well-liked characteristic as well. Especially, when it comes to cheering someone up, a humorous person may be of great help. While discussing a problem with a friend, I do not actually expect them to solve my problem but to comfort me or distract me. Some jokes may do the trick in this situation and a good humored friend is the most likely to come up with one. For some people this may seem even more valuable than intelligence but I am convinced that a certain amount of intelligence is needed to come up with a good joke and more important to get a feeling for the situation.

Although I highly appreciate intelligence and good humor in a person, this is of no point if the person is not reliable. Reliability is the foundation of every good friendship because obviously nobody would want a friend who lets him or her down when they are most needed. Thus, reliability probably is the most important character trait. However, for me it would not work if the person was plain boring or rather unintelligent.

To sum it up, the perfect friend for me would inherit all three characteristics. Ideally, this friend would use his or her intelligence to understand what I am talking about and the same to get a feeling for my current state of mind, he or she would then try to cheer me up by using a good sense of humor and of course would never let me down if I needed a friend the most.