Posts by thtm

thtm

Aug 17, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: ZOOs are only to entertain people? [7]

beside

besides

However, beside entertaining people, there are varieties of purposes as for conservation, research, as well as for education purposes.

However, besides entertaining people, the zoos can be utilized for conservation, research as well as for educational purposes.

that are going to disappear from the world

that are on the verge of extinction

making the breeding of the endangered

to make ...

also are places

are also places

for studying about animals, understanding and protect animals and their habitats

to study about..., understand and protect

This zoo contains

This zoo involves...

Secondarily, purpose of the zoos is to entertain visitors as modern zoos

In addition, zoos serve as a source of entertainment for those who visit them. Take, for instance, modern zoos.

The zoos are places

so many kinds of animal such as lion, tiger,

Visitors feel interesting when

Visitors feel excited/interested

helps improving the zoos

(to) improve

is good for visiting animals

is a good place for...

In conclusion, purposes of zoological parks not only to entertain visitors, but also for other purposes

In conclusion, the zoological parks have a lot to offer in terms of purposes

thtm

Jul 12, 2013

Writing Feedback / academic writing course "compare social science and natural since" [4]

you have to ~~decide~~ what kind of

dictate/determine. (You shouldn't repeat the word 'decide')

Whichever course you ~~decide to~~ take

have been immensely influential on the modern world

have immensely influenced on the modern world

I think this is quite long and overdetailed for the introduction of a 'short essay'. Also, the introduction should be written in only one paragraph to make sure your essay is clearly structured.

thtm

Jul 12, 2013

Writing Feedback / TOEFL/ Do you agree that professional athletes deserve high salaries ? [8]

attend many social activities; they work more than training, and they get their pays incredibly higher than common people, which is thought by many to be quite unfair.

than common people

ordinary

will be strengthened below

they have enormous stress, physically, mentally and emotionally

they have to suffer from enormous physical and mental stresses.

thtm

Jul 5, 2013

Writing Feedback / 'staying in touch' : Phones and E-mail have made communication less personal [6]

Your essay has relatively good ideas with supporting examples. However, I suggest that you should focus more on grammar when doing any writing task :)

thtm

Jul 5, 2013

Writing Feedback / 'staying in touch' : Phones and E-mail have made communication less personal [6]

there are several types of communication media for people, for instance phone

using some new methods of communication like email and phone is not only harmful ~~for~~to human's relationship but also is very vital, because of two important reasons .

I suppose you have misused the structure 'not only... but also...'. According to the OALD, 'not only...but also...' is 'used to emphasize that something else is also true'. So if you use this structure in your sentence, people will infer that you mean 'using new methods... is both harmful and vital'. That sounds quite contradictory, doesn't it? Here is my suggestion:

My view is that far from doing harm to people's relationships, new methods of communication like email and phone play a vital role in human's everyday life because of two major reasons.

Today people because of working in their work place or study in university ,are distributed along

Because their workplace and university locations are scattered along the city or even country, today people seem to have less...

,so phone and email solved this problem

This problem can easily be surmounted with the help of phones and email.

For instance, two years ago I studied in Berlin in Germany,~~where~~which was not my mother country, so I just could call or send email to my family and friends because I did not have any other ~~communication way~~ways of communicaiton . Therefore , I believe email and phones are very useful media in human life.

people ~~does~~do not have enough time ~~for visiting~~to visit
each other

this year inat Christmas

I could not ~~went~~go to

my friends' houses

with the help of phone I called all of them in an hour and greeted all of them without wasting any time or money ~~for going~~needed to go from one place to another

So I found it email and phone ~~are~~ very useful in today's complex life.

In my opinion email and phone not only persisted against reducing personal relations but also increased it .How I mentioned staying in touch and communicating with a very little expense are the gift of email and telephone. Everyone for having constant interaction with family or friends have to use email and phone.

To sum up, it is my belief that email and phones do not reduce ... but actually increase them. As mentioned above, staying in touch and... the gift of email and telephones. Everyone, in order to have constant ..., has to use email and phones.

thtm

Jun 30, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The number of cases of diarrhea in Mashhad between 1983 and 1992 [4]

Please help me with the correction of this task. Many thanks in advance.

The graph below gives information about the number of cases of diarrhea in Mashhad between 1983 and 1992.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
Write at least 150 words.

The line graph illustrates how many people contracted diarrhea in Mashhad throughout the period from 1983 to 1992.
Overall, cases of diarrhea remained relatively static over the first six years of the period shown before experiencing a wild fluctuation between 1988 and 1992.
It can be seen from the graph that the number of diarrhea sufferers levelled out at around 100 cases until 1985 and doubled over the next two years. This was followed by a sudden drop in 1988 to around the same level as it was in 1983. Afterwards, the figures rose steeply to reach a peak of 400 cases in 1989, after which there was a slight decrease of approximately 50 cases. The figures stayed unchanged till 1991 before 1992 came with an enormous plummet to reach a low of zero.

To sum up, the figures for cases of diarrhea were at their highest in 1989, whereas their record low could be observed in 1992.
(158 words)