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TOEFL/ Do you agree that professional athletes deserve high salaries ?


elan 3 / 9 1  
Jul 11, 2013   #1
Thanks for correcting !! ∩_∩

Countless sports celebrities show on the TV, attend many social activities, they work more than training, and they get their pays incredibly higher than common people. Many thought it is too unfair, they, like Byrant Kobe and David Beckham, just do some training and get the opportunity to shine, it seems like esay, and how can they get so much benefits? In my view, they deserve the high salaries, and the reasons will be strengthen below.

Initially, they have enormous stress, physically, mentally and emotionally. Notable swimmer Micael Phelps, who won countless gold medal and world records, trained in swimming since 6, admittedly, he has great talent-his dolphin-like body shape, the slim arms and legs, but unlike our ordinaries, he works not only based on his talent, but also his stringent training which can not be accepted by us. Phelps soak in the pool everyday, trains in different phrases, from low pace to high pace.He pushes himself so hard and have a little amount of rest even when Chrismas day falls on his schedule.

What's more, they can be injured anytime, which means they are risking their life. Once Kobe, playing in championship, fell down in ground when he jumped and crash on someone, hurted his spine. It was a fatal hurt for a sportsman and can even kills them. Although Kobe has healed, he has to watch out in every competition, and go for therapy regularly, which also costs a great amout of money.

Beside, high salaries are essential for sportsman because they can only get their high salaries in a short period. When they get aged, when they have no more energy to training and win, they will lose their benefits. Compared with our ordinary people, how can work throughout our life, it is not that unfair.
April April 13 / 148 22  
Jul 12, 2013   #2
Countless sports celebrities showappear on the TV, and attend many social activities, they work more than training, and they get their pays incredibly higher than common people working in other professions .

--> break this into two seperate sentences. The second sentence begins from "They work more...".

Many thought it is too unfair, they, like Byrant Kobe and David Beckham, just do some training and get the opportunity to shine, it seems like esay, and how can they get so much benefits?

--> This sentence sounds like spoken language, not the academic language that you should use in TOEFL.

the reasons will be strengthened

In the introduction, you should paraphrase the topic and state your point of view. Don't ramble. For example, you don't need to give an example of Byrant Kobe and David Beckham in the intro.

Notable swimmer Micael Phelps, who won countlessnumerous gold medal and world records, trained in swimming since 6, admittedly, .heHe has great talent-his dolphin-like body shape, the slim arms and legs, buthoweverunlike our ordinaries , he works not only based on his talent, but also his stringent training which can not be accepted by us .

--> you just used "countless" previously, so don't repeat yourself. What do you mean by the greened part?

Try to write short and easy to understand sentences. Long sentences tend to make readers lost in your ideas, it might be hard to catch up with your points.

Keep on working and you'll get better.

Best
thtm 1 / 5 1  
Jul 12, 2013   #3
attend many social activities; they work more than training, and they get their pays incredibly higher than common people, which is thought by many to be quite unfair.

than common people

ordinary

will be strengthened below

they have enormous stress, physically, mentally and emotionally

they have to suffer from enormous physical and mental stresses.
OP elan 3 / 9 1  
Jul 12, 2013   #4
Thank you so much!!!

but also his stringent training which can not be accepted by us.

the greened part, means his training is too hard for ordinary people, we can hardly take it.

Is there any problem in grammar ? Or I just used unsuitable word? What should I say?
OP elan 3 / 9 1  
Jul 12, 2013   #5
Thanks for your correcting!!!

elan:
attend many social activities; they work more than training, and they get their pays incredibly higher than common people, which is thought by many to be quite unfair

How about this: ..., which makes ordinaries feel unpleasant.
guy2010 2 / 4  
Jul 12, 2013   #6
Countless sports celebrities show on the TV, attending many social activities,.theyThey work more than training, and they get their pays incredibly higher than common people.

I suggest you learn some basic grammars. There are many run-on sentences in your essay. Sentences have been joined together without a conjunction or the correct punctuation. That will kill your scores.

Further, the conclusion paragraph is needed in TOEFL essay.
OP elan 3 / 9 1  
Jul 12, 2013   #7
Yes ! I feel weird when I write some sentences, I know there must be something wrong in my grammar, but I just don't know how to make them right and understandable.

Thanks for your advice! I'll keep practice!
^_^
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Jul 12, 2013   #8
show on the TV

.... "show up" or "appear". As April April suggested, "appear" sounds better.

attend many social activities

get involved with many social activities

Many thought it is too unfair, they, like Byrant Kobe and David Beckham, just do some training and get the opportunity to shine, it seems like esay, and how can they get so much benefits?

... Well... your idea is not conveyed clearly.... Write short sentences, each sentence to contain one idea. I guess this is what you try to say;

The people who think this is unfair do not understand the sacrifices made by Byrant Kobe or David Beckham in their journey towards success.

In my view, they deserve the high salaries, and the reasons will be strengthen below .

... Stop at stating your position. The reader knows you are going to justify your position with reasons.
Also, post all TOEFL essays into Writing Feedback forum.


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