Posts by stefan

stefan

Mar 26, 2009

Scholarship / Expanding my knowledge; Scholarship (the United World Colleges) [6]

PLEASE HELP IN THIS AND IGNORE THE ABOVE TWO POSTS.

Okay, I have been fixing my essay all night yesterday and making it smooth. Some stuff are still not flowing properly, and I seriosuly need help with that. Applying to this college is most important thing to me right now.

-The italic sentences or words are parts which need to be changed for it to have the same meaning, but different words.

Ever since I can remember, I have always had a keen interest in expanding my knowledge. I know that I will gain great knowledge from UWC that will get me a big step further towards a successful life. It is a college with great community and a place which one can seek great education, and that is exactly why I am applying for UWC.

UWC is a school far from average. It has students from all over the world, which has highly influenced me to apply. Studying at an international school in Libya has brought me great communication skills between different cultures. This will greatly benefit me if I be present at the UWC.

The great variety sports and hobbies available in the UWC provide an attractive opportunity. I personally love sports, especially martial arts tricking and bodybuilding. I am willing to achieve my goals in my hobbies if I attend UWC due to the great accessibility of them.

[any way to improve this and make it a bit more understandable and longer? or is it ok?]

This college offers me many different opportunities and resources to take the road of success. It will help me choose my future, since there are various subjects and activities. This is also something I need. I enjoy so many activities I cannot help myself choose what I am really best at. [do the 1st sentence and 2nd have the same meaning? any tweaks to be added?]

I am eager to enter this college and make it a new home for the next two years. It is a great chance for me to expand my knowledge, gain many friends and experience, and enter a significantly better educational system where I can truly challenge myself and attain my goals.

[Is this ok? any fixes needed to improve it?]

Thank you, as i said this is very important to me I need to win this haha. ITS A $50,000 SCHOLARSHIP THAT I WANT TO WIN.

stefan

Mar 26, 2009

Letters / Can someone help with me with this letter i wrote to the College President [3]

Dear Mr. President,

First of all congratulations on your position. (...)

WAIT. I fixed the 1st half, and realized I should stop fixing it because you haven't put any effort in it. You put "lol" in one of the sentences. You are not chatting with him online, you're writing him a letter. Which means that you should also not write it as a speech. Try improving your grammer and writing simpler and more understandable sentences.

I know I haven't helped a lot, but I gave you the idea of why your essay is bad.

stefan

Mar 26, 2009

Undergraduate / 'A hope for a wonderful learning experience' - college entrance essay (UCF)? [8]

Hi, im not really good at writting essays, but i thought of this:
I chose to apply to the University of Central Florida because I believe it is more than just an average school.[I think its better to write "I know it is more than just an average school].

This seems like it's going well, it helped my essay aswell haha.

stefan

Mar 25, 2009

Scholarship / Expanding my knowledge; Scholarship (the United World Colleges) [6]

There is this college which I really want to get in. I have to write an essay with the topic "What are our reasons for applying to the United World Colleges? What do you hope to acheive? Try to do this in no more than 250 words. Be brief, we can explore the detail at the interview if necessary."

-Any grammar mistakes?
-Any more special points that i can add to it so they will remember my essay?
-And hmm is it ok for writing "tricking" as a hobby? * tricking is a young underground sport which is very very very rare, its somehting like parkour/free running

-If there is anything wrong or can be fixed please help

I have written an essay, here:

Ever since I can remember, I have always had a keen interest in expanding my knowledge. Education is very important to me because I hope that it will eventually provide me with a better quality of life, and that is exactly why I am applying to study at the UWC.

I am not naturally talented when it comes to education, art and sports, and I have therefore gotten used to hard work and I am determined to achieve my goals. I want to be successful in all my goals and push myself to complete them, which are to constantly keep increasing skills in my hobbies which include (martial arts tricking??) and bodybuilding, and education.

I have read through the UWC websites and realised that this is the right place for me as I love exploring different places, cultures and understanding their differences. I have always liked to interact with others, and understand the way they live. I also like taking care of things on my own and taking responsibility for myself, which is exactly what UWC will let me do.

Since I was born and raised in Libya and have only studied in an international school, I am accustomed to interacting with people from different nations, and I find it pleasing. I believe that my communication skills will greatly benefit me if I go to the UWC.

Therefore, I am looking at this scholarship as a great opportunity to fulfill what I want, gain a lot of friends and experience, enter a much better educational system, where I can really challenge myself and reach my goals.

I REALLY NEED THIS SCHOLARSHIP!

Thanks a lot

Stefan