There is this college which I really want to get in. I have to write an essay with the topic "What are our reasons for applying to the United World Colleges? What do you hope to acheive? Try to do this in no more than 250 words. Be brief, we can explore the detail at the interview if necessary."
-Any grammar mistakes?
-Any more special points that i can add to it so they will remember my essay?
-And hmm is it ok for writing "tricking" as a hobby? * tricking is a young underground sport which is very very very rare, its somehting like parkour/free running
-If there is anything wrong or can be fixed please help
I have written an essay, here:
Ever since I can remember, I have always had a keen interest in expanding my knowledge. Education is very important to me because I hope that it will eventually provide me with a better quality of life, and that is exactly why I am applying to study at the UWC.
I am not naturally talented when it comes to education, art and sports, and I have therefore gotten used to hard work and I am determined to achieve my goals. I want to be successful in all my goals and push myself to complete them, which are to constantly keep increasing skills in my hobbies which include (martial arts tricking??) and bodybuilding, and education.
I have read through the UWC websites and realised that this is the right place for me as I love exploring different places, cultures and understanding their differences. I have always liked to interact with others, and understand the way they live. I also like taking care of things on my own and taking responsibility for myself, which is exactly what UWC will let me do.
Since I was born and raised in Libya and have only studied in an international school, I am accustomed to interacting with people from different nations, and I find it pleasing. I believe that my communication skills will greatly benefit me if I go to the UWC.
Therefore, I am looking at this scholarship as a great opportunity to fulfill what I want, gain a lot of friends and experience, enter a much better educational system, where I can really challenge myself and reach my goals.
I REALLY NEED THIS SCHOLARSHIP!
Thanks a lot
Stefan
[quote=stefan]I want to be successful in all my goals and push myself to complete them, which are to constantly keep increasing skills in my hobbies which include (martial arts tricking??) and bodybuilding, and education.
i think in this part you used a too complex sentence. This makes reader find difficult to understand what you really want to say. instead, you can you " present participle" to replace relative clause which will make your sentence more academic. for example : you can write:
I want to be success in all my goals and put myselt to complete them, which constantly keeps increasing my skills in my own hobbies including martial arts tricking, bodybuilding and education.
In genergal i see your writing is quite good!
come on friend,i hope you can recieve that scholarship.
Tricking? Sounds cool. I think I have seen that... it involve leaping over things, climbing, etc., while running through various parts of the city? Like skateboarding without the skatebords?
As you decide how to present these interests, think in terms of the resources that the school offers and your plans for the future. How can you answer their question in a way that shows that this school is perfect for you and that you are very serious about succeding in their program? It is necessary to research the school a little. I see that you mentioned studying their website, but what, SPECIFICALLY, attracts you? Any particular faculty members? Any important statistics about people going into your chosen field?
I don't know if you should say you have no natural talant! You must have some talants! Why not discuss your intended major and field of interest as your areas of talant, and then change this sentence so that is explains that you invest so much attention in this field of interest that you have had to work hard at these other endeavors?
Being focused and driven... that is what wins scholarships.
PLEASE HELP IN THIS AND IGNORE THE ABOVE TWO POSTS.
Okay, I have been fixing my essay all night yesterday and making it smooth. Some stuff are still not flowing properly, and I seriosuly need help with that. Applying to this college is most important thing to me right now.
-The italic sentences or words are parts which need to be changed for it to have the same meaning, but different words.
Ever since I can remember, I have always had a keen interest in expanding my knowledge. I know that I will gain great knowledge from UWC that will get me a big step further towards a successful life. It is a college with great community and a place which one can seek great education, and that is exactly why I am applying for UWC.
UWC is a school far from average. It has students from all over the world, which has highly influenced me to apply. Studying at an international school in Libya has brought me great communication skills between different cultures. This will greatly benefit me if I be present at the UWC.
The great variety sports and hobbies available in the UWC provide an attractive opportunity. I personally love sports, especially martial arts tricking and bodybuilding. I am willing to achieve my goals in my hobbies if I attend UWC due to the great accessibility of them.
[any way to improve this and make it a bit more understandable and longer? or is it ok?]
This college offers me many different opportunities and resources to take the road of success. It will help me choose my future, since there are various subjects and activities. This is also something I need. I enjoy so many activities I cannot help myself choose what I am really best at. [do the 1st sentence and 2nd have the same meaning? any tweaks to be added?]
I am eager to enter this college and make it a new home for the next two years. It is a great chance for me to expand my knowledge, gain many friends and experience, and enter a significantly better educational system where I can truly challenge myself and attain my goals.
[Is this ok? any fixes needed to improve it?]
Thank you, as i said this is very important to me I need to win this haha. ITS A $50,000 SCHOLARSHIP THAT I WANT TO WIN.
Ever since I can remember... This part is not really necessary. What IS the meaning you are trying to convey? That you cannot remember a time when you were not keenly interested in expanding knowledge? I guess you could write this:
Ever since I started elementary school, I have taken great pleasure and comfort in expanding my knowledge.
Commas: I personally love sports, especially martial arts, tricking, and bodybuilding. Because of my experience in these pursuits, I am confident in my ability to make a meaningful contribution with regard to the already vast wealth of resources and student organizations at UWC.
or something like that...
It is looking okay... and these last parts you questioned seem alright, but you can use cut/paste to experiment with putting the sentences in various sequences to see what works best!
:)
"This college offers me many different opportunities and resources to take the road of success." You might want to list some of the specific opportunities and resources you have in mind. In fact, you could greatly strengthen this essay by replacing generalities with specifics throughout.
