Writing Feedback / Something That Changed Me - Becoming a Bully [13]

How long does this essay have to be?

There are some events in life that influences what we become later in life. <<write something more here.. like maybe examples and stuff. break up the paragraph.>>

I had a lot of friends too, or I should rather say, followers who backed me up in whatever I did. <<do you want to talk about this further? did you not open up to them, or trusted them? Make this paragraph about followers a separate one>>

Gradually, it became a burden with people wanting to throw me from my throne. <<so I'm assuming you had become somewhat of a leader? Maybe write more about maybe your rise to get this throne, etc>>

I had to fight when I didn't want to as I had to live up to my reputation. <<maybe paraphrase into something like 'soon, fighting became a necessity'>>

Everyone was rather afraid and hated me. <<Does this mean everyone was afraid of you but act nice to you while behind your back they hate you? something like everyone was nice only because they were afraid of you, but they secretly hate you? Does this mean no one likes you?>>

It happened when we had <<just?>> passed our 10th boards. <<so boards are grades and forms? Like 10th grade/ fourth form? Sorry this is just an interesting tidbit for me, not a suggestion>>

To pass time we <<maybe something like 'often' instead of 'ended up' and find another word for 'raggin'>> the newcomers. This day is one that I will never forget in my life.

<<describe more than pretty meek. Maybe something like "There was a skinny guy wearing glasses...">>

When he left us, he was pretty <<maybe 'quite' instead? Or 'very'?>> shaken up. I had wanted to stop, but I couldn't. I was in front of my group, my reputation was on the line. <<so maybe say something about your pride here>> He had started crying <<halfway?>> , and I was feeling sorry for him <<maybe don't say 'feel pretty bad'>> .

<<change all these 'sum's into 'some's!!>> Some said that he changed his courses, some said he had taken admission in a new school.

I greeted the principal but he did not reply, instead he gave me a cold look. <<or maybe something like 'he merely gave me..>>

But what happened next was quite unexpected <<you have used quite for a bit, maybe something like I was unprepared for what happened next. This also gives a break between the two 'what happened's>>

I realized that I had done a terrible mistake. <<do you realize how this guy had laid down his pride, begging his son's bully to help him.. maybe write about the values that you probably have learned from this guy..>>

<<you have just used though, maybe 'even though' instead?>> Even though I was relieved, I learned that we <<maybe instead of we use something like 'no one'>> has the right to bully others, to take the joy out of other people's lives, or to harass them I any manner whatsoever. We should focus our strength and determination on the right track, and focus our energy to help us reach our goals.

<<this conclusion is a bit vague.. maybe write something other than 'focus our energy to help us reach our goals' or just delete it, wrapping up the 'strength and determination' stuff instead.>>

Hope that helps!

Essays / "My bad school experience" - academic paragraph [7]

if i had that assignment i would write about something that i thought was unfair.. like perhaps someone did something and you took the blame for it.

Essays / Cause and Effect Essay Trouble [6]

perhaps you could do
broken homes for cause and runaway teenagers for effect

Undergraduate / Boston U Int. (Experiences with Dad, Confidence, Stock Market) [13]

I can only make suggestions on sentence structure and grammar. Sorry.

That happened quite often to be honest, since my natural curiosity would regularly let me stumble upon questions which I needed an answer for.<<Suggestion: To be honest, that happened quite often since my natural curiosity would regularly let me stumble upon questions which I needed an answer for>>

One day, I was baffled by a TV news headline reporting that people, who bought particular shares, were able to sell them for double their value the following day.

<<S: One day, I was baffled by a TC news headline reporting that people who bought particular shares were able to sell them for double their value the following day.>>

He proposed to acquire stocks with me, if I could find 5 Swiss companies listed on the SMI and explain why I would want to buy their stocks.

<<S: Don't write the number 5, write 'five' instead>>

Two days later, I told him which companies I have chosen and my dad agreed to purchase stocks from ABB Ltd, a Swiss enterprise, specialized in automation and power systems, ranging from auto factory robots to jet turbine parts and even entire electricity grids.

<<S: ... ABB Ltd, a Swiss enterprise specializing in automation and power systems ranging from auto factory robots to jet turbine parts and electricity grids>>

However, apart from earning a little money, my first ever stock market adventure has awoken an interest in the world of international business within me, which since that day has continued to grow.

<<S: ... my first stock market adventure.. (delete ever) ... which has continued to grow (steadily? quickly? maybe insert adjective here) since then.>>

I like to read and watch the news about the world's economy and politics.
<<S: Do you do anything besides just reading and watching them? Maybe you like to analyze, write essay, write articles, contribute in local paper,.. have you ever participate in any contests? Just a suggestion to add.>>

Over the time my interest has turned into a fascination, until one day, I knew it was what I wanted to have to do with later. As a result, I decided to attend a secondary school focused in business administration and economics.

<<S: Over time, my interest has turned into fascination, and I knew it was what I wanted to do in life. ('wanted to have to do with later' does not sound good) >>

After graduating from secondary school, I took the opportunity to attend language courses in Bristol and Barcelona, in order to further refine my English and Spanish skills.

<<S: ...I took the opportunity to attend language courses in Bristol and Barcelona in order to refine my English and Spanish skills. (delete comma)>>

During my time abroad I learned that I possess the necessary flexibility and curiosity to study and work abroad, since I felt comfortable at all times.

<<S: During my time abroad, I learned that I possess the necessary flexibility and curiosity to study and work abroad. I felt comfortable with my surroundings etc. End the sentence after 'abroad' and explain why in a separate sentence after that.>>

This I think is vital should if I want to pursue an international career.
<<S: I think this is (or these are? Didn't you list 2 reasons?). Perhaps write instead: I think these skills are vital in order to pursue an international career."

Last but not least, the fact that I am in command of 5 languages with the help of which I can get along about everywhere in this world, makes me feel even more confident, that I have chosen the right professional field.

<<S: Again write 'five' instead of '5'. Maybe you shouldn't write 'the fact that'.. Maybe something like: I am in command of five languages... or "I am able to speak and write fluently in five languages, which is an advantage... i dont know, the sentence does not flow, but I can't give a suggestion!... sorry! Also: 'makes me feel even more confident that I have chosen the right field (delete comma) >>

Don't forget to write a conclusion that wraps up every point that you have.

Good luck! Sorry I couldn't help much, but I have friends who have been accepted in BU if you would like more help. I am also an international student.