Hi everyone, I am currently looking to get a spot at Boston University as a transfer and need to send my essay today. I would appreciate any comments and corrections, before I submit it tonight.
What experiences have led you to select your professional field and objective? (International Management) - 3000 Characters
As a young boy, every time I had a question, I would walk into my dad's study room and ask him what was on my mind. That happened quite often to be honest, since my natural curiosity would regularly let me stumble upon questions which I needed an answer for.
One day, I was baffled by a TV news headline reporting that people, who bought particular shares, were able to sell them for double their value the following day. It sounded fairly simple since I didn't understand the reason, so I went into my dad's study room once again and asked for an explanation. Of course I was young and did not really understand how the system works, so my dad made me a very lucrative offer, instead of simply trying to explain everything. He proposed to acquire stocks with me, if I could find 5 Swiss companies listed on the SMI and explain why I would want to buy their stocks. Two days later, I told him which companies I have chosen and my dad agreed to purchase stocks from ABB Ltd, a Swiss enterprise, specialized in automation and power systems, ranging from auto factory robots to jet turbine parts and even entire electricity grids. The deal was that he would buy the stocks for my 13th birthday and transfer them into my banking depot when I turn 18, which he did. In Summer 2008, I sold them all but for one, which I asked to have physically delivered, so I could frame it and keep it, much like Scrooge McDuck kept his first dime.
However, apart from earning a little money, my first ever stock market adventure has awoken an interest in the world of international business within me, which since that day has continued to grow. I have developed a habit for keeping myself up to date about the business world and what is going on with ABB Ltd. I like to read and watch the news about the world's economy and politics. Over the time my interest has turned into a fascination, until one day, I knew it was what I wanted to have to do with later. As a result, I decided to attend a secondary school focused in business administration and economics.
In addition to my personal interest in business, I have a weak spot for languages and foreign cultures, which I have tried to combine with my studies or work as much as I could. After graduating from secondary school, I took the opportunity to attend language courses in Bristol and Barcelona, in order to further refine my English and Spanish skills. In addition, I spent 6 months on an internship in London, as part of my studies at the Ecole Hôtelière de Lausanne.
During my time abroad I learned that I possess the necessary flexibility and curiosity to study and work abroad, since I felt comfortable at all times. This I think is vital should if I want to pursue an international career. Last but not least, the fact that I am in command of 5 languages with the help of which I can get along about everywhere in this world, makes me feel even more confident, that I have chosen the right professional field.
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Maybe you should not write, "ask him what was on my mind," because it sounds like you went in and said, "Hey, Dad, what's on my mind?" That sounds funny.
You can write: ask him whatever questions were on my mind.
Also no unnecessary words; no using "since" when you mean "because"; number agreement (questions/answers):
That happened quite often, to be honest, because my natural curiosity would regularly let me stumble upon questions for which I needed an answers.
Shave off unnecessary words, and see how much better it sounds:
Of course I was young and did not really understand how the system works, so my dad...
I have developed a habit of keeping myself up-to-date about the business world and what is going on with ABB Ltd.
This is impressive stuff! Good, solid content that shows how smart you are. Now, to improve your writing, be like Yoda. Yoda says things in few words, so each statement is powerful. No unnecessary words means the reader pays attention. That principle applies in communicating with kids, too! :)
I can only make suggestions on sentence structure and grammar. Sorry.
That happened quite often to be honest, since my natural curiosity would regularly let me stumble upon questions which I needed an answer for.<<Suggestion: To be honest, that happened quite often since my natural curiosity would regularly let me stumble upon questions which I needed an answer for>>
One day, I was baffled by a TV news headline reporting that people, who bought particular shares, were able to sell them for double their value the following day.
<<S: One day, I was baffled by a TC news headline reporting that people who bought particular shares were able to sell them for double their value the following day.>>
He proposed to acquire stocks with me, if I could find 5 Swiss companies listed on the SMI and explain why I would want to buy their stocks.
<<S: Don't write the number 5, write 'five' instead>>
Two days later, I told him which companies I have chosen and my dad agreed to purchase stocks from ABB Ltd, a Swiss enterprise, specialized in automation and power systems, ranging from auto factory robots to jet turbine parts and even entire electricity grids.
<<S: ... ABB Ltd, a Swiss enterprise specializing in automation and power systems ranging from auto factory robots to jet turbine parts and electricity grids>>
However, apart from earning a little money, my first ever stock market adventure has awoken an interest in the world of international business within me, which since that day has continued to grow.
<<S: ... my first stock market adventure.. (delete ever) ... which has continued to grow (steadily? quickly? maybe insert adjective here) since then.>>
I like to read and watch the news about the world's economy and politics.
<<S: Do you do anything besides just reading and watching them? Maybe you like to analyze, write essay, write articles, contribute in local paper,.. have you ever participate in any contests? Just a suggestion to add.>>
Over the time my interest has turned into a fascination, until one day, I knew it was what I wanted to have to do with later. As a result, I decided to attend a secondary school focused in business administration and economics.
<<S: Over time, my interest has turned into fascination, and I knew it was what I wanted to do in life. ('wanted to have to do with later' does not sound good) >>
After graduating from secondary school, I took the opportunity to attend language courses in Bristol and Barcelona, in order to further refine my English and Spanish skills.
<<S: ...I took the opportunity to attend language courses in Bristol and Barcelona in order to refine my English and Spanish skills. (delete comma)>>
During my time abroad I learned that I possess the necessary flexibility and curiosity to study and work abroad, since I felt comfortable at all times.
<<S: During my time abroad, I learned that I possess the necessary flexibility and curiosity to study and work abroad. I felt comfortable with my surroundings etc. End the sentence after 'abroad' and explain why in a separate sentence after that.>>
This I think is vital should if I want to pursue an international career.
<<S: I think this is (or these are? Didn't you list 2 reasons?). Perhaps write instead: I think these skills are vital in order to pursue an international career."
Last but not least, the fact that I am in command of 5 languages with the help of which I can get along about everywhere in this world, makes me feel even more confident, that I have chosen the right professional field.
<<S: Again write 'five' instead of '5'. Maybe you shouldn't write 'the fact that'.. Maybe something like: I am in command of five languages... or "I am able to speak and write fluently in five languages, which is an advantage... i dont know, the sentence does not flow, but I can't give a suggestion!... sorry! Also: 'makes me feel even more confident that I have chosen the right field (delete comma) >>
Don't forget to write a conclusion that wraps up every point that you have.
Good luck! Sorry I couldn't help much, but I have friends who have been accepted in BU if you would like more help. I am also an international student.
no using "since" when you mean "because"
I'm afraid you've lost that battle. "Because" now shows up as a valid meaning for "since" in most dictionaries, much the same way as "hopefully" now means " it is hoped" in addition to its original meaning. The tide of change in language eventually washes away even the most obstinate grammarian's most cherished rules.
AFS, good job with the essay. You have a strong, specific anecdote that shows you have a valid personal reason for being interested in business. Just make the minor changes suggested by the others and you'll be ready to submit.
Hahahaha!!! that is really funny. What are you, some sort of progressive grammarian? Hahaha...
It's annoying when people use since for because! Alright, well, what if the admissions person is a staunch grammarian!? Ha ha, it really is in the dictionary that way now? Well, nobody told me...
Anyway, do you agree that it is good for me to recommend "because," (i.e. since it makes the sentence clearer), or do you think people should not worry about it (i.e. these days, in the years because it has been added to the dictionary)?
hahahah
In British English 'since' has been interchangeably with 'because' for over 100 years. Most of the people in the former colonies use it either way.
Anyway it is not a matter of grammar but semantics or meaning.
The line between bad grammar and new grammar is always buried in a gray area. However, I take the attitude that any construction that virtually everyone uses in everyday English is okay, such as "since" for "because" and "Hopefully" for "It is to be hoped." The purpose of language is to communicate clearly, after all, and I don't think anyone is ever really confused by the use of 'since' for 'because.' I get annoyed by mis-usages that still haven't caught on, though. "Irregardless" is still not a word in my book. It has, however, made it into dictionary.com, where it is at least still classified as non-standard. At some point, the word will win out, though, because that brings it in line with "irrespective," irrelevant," and "irreparable." The fact that it combines two negative word parts won't much matter to people who only use language instead of studying etymologies. It will just become a word like "inflammable," something that occasionally confuses people if they think too hard about it, but that they generally accept and use without thinking about it at all.
Atul, I didn't know that! I guess it is more of a pet peeve of mine than a rule I am helping people learn. My bad! Thanks for the info. Also, thanks for the important advice you gave in another recent thread, about "which idea seems to be best."
Sean, that is good stuff. I got in a bad argument with someone recently over "irregardless." Well, because of it's powerful presence on the page, and it's cool sound, I think that in composition "because" often sounds a lot better than "since."
So there.
Ta that is the short form of thanks in British English.
Guys, I made all the changes to the essay like you have suggested. I really appreciate all your help and hope you guys dind't get too mixed up in those grammar battles. it's hard to stick to either british or american, SINCE I was taught british at school and speak american at home...
thanks a lot again and may the force be with me... (or all of us actually)
The Force is with you, young Skywalker.
How much confusion do you think we could cause if we started to advise people to make the opposite substitution. That is, if we started telling people who were clearly learning English as a second language that they should use "because" instead of "since?" So, instead of "I have been working here since five," we could encourage them to write "I have been working here because five." I'm guessing that if we could convince enough students to start doing this, in five years or so, the usage will have made it into American dictionaries, though they might still list it as "non-standard."
Don't be messing with the language! It's when the dialectic subtleties we use begins to get phased out that we start getting old! "Cool" will one day be as un-cool as "nifty" is today, and we will be old.
