Undergraduate /
Realization, tumultuous times and redemption; Central to my identity [2]
Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.My days couldn't have been more jollier, life more content and my world so stable until chaos knocked down the door behind which I lived. The realization that my life wouldn't be the same again kicked in to my body; my brain, my heart and all the other organs felt the urgency of the news that had just been delivered. My brain suggested concealing my identity if I were to live a 'normal' life without the fear of being shunned by people and pursuing that 'normal' has resulted in me being who I am today.
As bizarre as it may sound, a coconut is what best describes me and my life. Growing up in a country (Bangladesh) where religion dominates every aspect of it's citizens' life, I also wasn't untouched by it. The religion deemed me to be a sinner, the society mocked at people like me and the neighbors constantly gossiped. I would have lost all hope had my family not loved without any limits. However, I needed to fit in the society; liberate myself from the constant battle I was involved in. Change wasn't optional and I adapted to it by feigning to be someone I wasn't. I stopped sketching Cinderella in my art notebook, quit dressing myself as celebrities from the shawls my mom owned, tweaked the way I walked, spoke and laughed. Yes, I enjoyed doing those things but I stopped despite of my desire to. The colorful world I lived in was turned into a monochrome one. I turned myself into a coconut hiding the bona fide me behind the fabricated layers of my facade. I was finally free from being called a 'freak' but as hard as I may try to deny, I was also a corrupt.
As time progressed, things changed. Most notably of all, I grew up and so did my ideas, beliefs and my attitude towards the society and the people in it. I moved countries, made new friends, new passions emerged and old ones disappeared. Life continued happening and I went along with the flow. 'Utopia' wouldn't do justice, if I used that word to describe my life. But again, chaos happened. A pitcher is bound to overflow when it's left under a tap that runs wide open and my pitcher wasn't able to contain anymore.
Lies and deceits were the foundation of my building. Embracing the differences and living accordingly would have been way easier than formulating and manipulating schemes to make myself fit in the outside arena. The realization that my life was based on a fallacious presumption i.e that people would accept me, if I transformed myself into one of them, hit me harder than the previous one. Over the course of my life, I had never felt so weak or so lost as I felt during that time. The previous metamorphosis was smooth sailing compared to the redemption I now yearned for.
Acceptance was what I lacked. I was scared to accept that I was gay. I was afraid to acknowledge the fact that no force, mortal or divine would deviate me from who I was. Over the period, I realized that I would only truly be free once I accepted who I was instead of running away from it. My passion for reading exposed me to characters and their struggle and stories, Holden Caulfield and his desire to ostracize himself, Pecola Breedlove's yearning for beauty. I realized I was negligent of the fact that my life wasn't as hard as theirs or as other kid had committed suicide because there was no option. There was a chance for me. I accepted who I was and learned to live with it. My monochrome life was filed with colors that illuminated the darkness I was engulfed in. I had found my solace; the redemption I was looking for.
Kindly proofread my essay and point out the errors. It would be a great help. Thanks in advance and have a great day. 