Posts by deathstroke

deathstroke

Oct 6, 2013

Undergraduate / ALIGNMENT with my goals not found; [TRANSFER Essay]Common App for top-tier schools [8]

@dumi Thanks for your help and understanding! I really appreciate it :-)

deathstroke

Oct 5, 2013

Undergraduate / ALIGNMENT with my goals not found; [TRANSFER Essay]Common App for top-tier schools [8]

@dumi: Thanks so much for your feedback! I have a few questions/responses regarding your comments.

1. Not sure why my version of the sentence doesn't get the same point across -- your version comes across (to me) as a little fluffy, so as far as personal preference goes, I like mine better. Could you perhaps explain why you think that edit could be important?

2. I agree -- I'll try to figure out if there's a way I can be less blunt about it (although I'm not exactly sure where to start).

3. I really think your version is too fluffy, and I would be lying if I said that the life is "incredibly interesting." Also, the second sentence changes the meaning of what I'm trying to convey. Arguably, computer science is an integral field of University of Kansas, but I specify that "several components that are key to my success in computer science" is what I seek (these components are explained in the rest of the essay). I think I'll leave this sentence as-is.

Thanks for your help! :-)

deathstroke

Sep 30, 2013

Undergraduate / ALIGNMENT with my goals not found; [TRANSFER Essay]Common App for top-tier schools [8]

carolinemm: Thanks for your comment! I'll certainly look into revising that sentence. Now that you bring it up, I also think it reads awkwardly.

ctrlaltext: Wow, thank you so much! This is precisely the critique I was hoping for :-). I agree with your comments, *especially* the second and third ones -- admittedly, I'm a very arrogant person, and was a pretty afraid that it would show through in my essays, so having a total stranger (not my father, who, in some cases, is just as arrogant :P) read my essay thoroughly really means a lot. And yes, I am indeed very critical of my current institution in general, but for obvious reasons, do not want to emphasize that in this essay. Again, thank you very much for your sincere and very helpful comments.

deathstroke

Sep 30, 2013

Undergraduate / Stanford Essay: Blood Is Thickest - What matters to you, and why? [4]

I disagree, to some extent. I think the topic has potential, but I think you wrote it as if you had one draft and hit "submit."

I would definitely change these sentences: "Thanks to my mother for forgoing her nursing school education to take care of me and my siblings. Thanks for being the most loving person in my life. Thanks to my father for sacrificing time with the family in order to work in Nigeria in order to provide for the family." They read OK, but come across as very cliche and very corny. In an ad-board of 10 people, I'd bet 5 of those people would not care to read this part, especially because it's very likely other applicants will (with just as much sincerity as you) respond with "my family," and use a similar method for describing their parents' sacrifices.

Also, I think your last sentence sounds a bit desperate. The quote says you, as you are, are their (your family's) gift, and doesn't say anything about an actual (tangible or not) gift being given in the course of your life. "Gifting" your family with an acceptance to Stanford doesn't really work with the quote, basically. It's also cliche and doesn't contribute to your topic as much as it could.

I think you definitely have potential with this topic, but maybe you should rethink what exactly you're going to say and how you plan to express it. Your writing is solid, so good luck! :-)

deathstroke

Sep 28, 2013

Undergraduate / I'm not going to tell you I'm the smartest; Yale Writing Supplement [3]

Being someone who doesn't know you, this essay seems extremely cliche. I feel like lots of students, especially those applying to schools as high-up as Yale, think precisely like this at some point of the other (I know I have; slightly different version, though), but **it's more of a subtle rant** than anything else. Imagine an entire ad-board reading your essay -- there are bound to be people who think you're just being a tad delusional, and if anything, this essay is a choke. There are a few grammatical errors, which kind of salts the wound, so I think you should try to tackle a more concrete point for this essay.

You definitely come across as a very smart and experienced person, but I think that this essay doesn't really contribute much to your application. I think your chances would be best enhanced with an essay that, instead of almost asking for the reader to assume your academic/etc potential, illustrates a clearer point. Perhaps you could elaborate on your experience with your eating disorder, and discuss how your father's infidelity coupled with it taught you something important that turned your goals into what they are now (inspiring people, etc).

I hope my comment doesn't come across as mean or overly-critical -- I tried to give you my most honest opinion possible. Feel free to follow up with me if you have questions.

deathstroke

Sep 27, 2013

Undergraduate / "A sanctuary for the pursuit of science"; Why Carnegie Mellon? Research [3]

I think you do a fantastic job being specific to Carnegie Mellon -- at first glance it seemed as though your essay was just copy/pasted and renamed so Carnegie Mellon would fit in, but once I read your first body paragraph, it was clear that you genuinely wrote this essay.

My critique is I would try to re-organize the content -- for example, you mention that you like the people at Carnegie Mellon in one paragraph, and mention some names, but the paragraph doesn't follow up on that as much, and transitions into other ideas (so the notion in the first sentence of that block is confusing). Another thing is I would try to have a better sense of sentence fluency -- most sentences are long and very wordy, and it's hard for me (someone who reads and writes a lot of articles) to keep up with what you're saying. I'd try to be concise when you can and stay elaborate when necessary.

If you could look at my most recent thread (trying to transfer), that'd be great!

deathstroke

Sep 27, 2013

Undergraduate / My willingness to be at a loss. Mit essay [4]

I feel pretty similarly about your response. I think you have a lot of potential with this topic, but if you directly introduce what your answer is and back it up with evidence from your experience, you could make this a solid essay.

Also, I would really elaborate/simplify what this means... "A willingness to be at a loss, but a refusal to remain lost as a result of shortsightedness" (sure, it makes a little sense in this context, but is there a shorter/more concise and encapsulating version of what this is?)

Please post again when you need another look at a revision! :-)

deathstroke

Sep 27, 2013

Undergraduate / ALIGNMENT with my goals not found; [TRANSFER Essay]Common App for top-tier schools [8]

Hi guys,

I'm an undergraduate attempting to transfer schools (aiming for Harvard, Stanford, etc...) and was wondering if anyone could give this essay a look. Yes, I know it's pretty blunt, straightforward, and not exactly creative, but from what I've gathered, that's the way transfer essays are meant to be written. They're supposed to illustrate real necessity for transferring and discuss academic/social goals, as far as I know.

Any sort of feedback regarding style, content, length, etc will be very much valued. :-)

BTW, current word count is 649, which is literally one word fewer than the "limit," so if you think something deserves to be cut/appropriately shortened, please let me know!

----------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------

PROMPT: Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve. (250-650 words)

I am transferring because I have discovered my academic and professional goals are not aligned with the institution where I currently study. While University of Kansas has a lot going for it-a big sports following, an EECS Department supported by Google, and a very warm student community-several components that I feel are key to my success in computer science are not an integral part of the school, and I seek an institution that better serves my academic and personal needs.

The primary goal of the EECS Department at my current institution is noble and respectable: To place students in the company of their choice. However, I seek a different work and academic culture. I feel that the contributions I aim to achieve, particularly in computer science, are beyond the needs of an established corporation. When I was a rookie engineer at VMware, I had the incredible privilege of working on the newest cloud management tool, vCHS. I am enormously proud that when my colleagues attended VMworld 2013, they got to see the results of code I contributed to on the big screen. Yet, throughout my time at the company, I developed a gut feeling that I was being inefficient with my passions for academia and technical progress-that I was an already-useful asset and had incredible potential, but this wasn't the right place to develop that potential. That feeling has been growing, as if a cancerous lump in my chest was begging me to keep moving forward; as if it knew there was a lot more to computer science than I could imagine, and I had to uncover those secrets in the right way. I want to be in an environment that doesn't just push students to join the industry, but equips students with a broad, competitive education, and encourages and supports students working on their own projects, startups, inventions, and research, so we can lead the industry.

In addition to a healthier and more progressive learning environment, I seek better academic and entrepreneurial opportunities. While I am confident, to some degree, that I have the entrepreneurial and technical capabilities to make the next dazzly-do iPhone app that sets me five figures ahead of the average teenager, my pursuit of the startup dream has sizzled down to charred cinder. I realize that true progress is not measured by how much money I make or how much popularity is potentially involved, but by what meaningful contributions I can make to society. To turn academic advantages into meaningful contributions, and ultimately into a profitable business or an open-source project is along the lines of what I aim to do with the high-quality opportunities available at my next destination.

Finally, I am a misfit at my current institution. I am too often an exception than I can be comfortable with. My unwavering drive-almost a sense of urgency-to work hard and succeed is not as prevalent among my peers. That means I'm the guy begging for challenges from professors who aren't as used to my ambition. That also means that I'm the guy reading "Introduction to the Theory of Computation" while waiting for the dryer to finish, and that I'm the guy who chokes when the air is saturated with cigarette smoke. I'm in the wrong crowd. I feel as if I'm in an environment that inhibits my capabilities, and instead, I desire one which supports and demands my capabilities be put to great use.

Ultimately, my objectives are to hone my computer science, social, academic, and leadership skills among diverse yet like-minded students, and evolve to a position where I can make the contributions my community and my university need. Whether this is in the form of a future professorship, financial grants, or results in research, I do not know, but if I am sure about anything, it's that I will make it there with an institution that fits me on my side.

deathstroke

Sep 27, 2013

Undergraduate / I filled up the white space; UChicago Supplemental Essay: Arch-Nemesis [3]

I really liked the idea behind this essay, and your execution is pretty solid, too. I would try to get rid of the conversational and extra-unnecessary parts, such as "Allow me to explain...," because phrases like that don't serve much of a point aside from story-telling, which isn't particularly desirable IMO.

Otherwise, I think you do an excellent job illustrating your arch-nemesis. Good luck!

deathstroke

Sep 27, 2013

Undergraduate / Why I ride: University of Michigan Supplement [4]

I honestly really like your explanation of why you choose to ride. One thing I would change, though, is use the first person more and the third person less -- you say in your essay "one can relate to someone without..." which is a well-written concept, but I think since the question is asking about your place in it, you could modify it so it's more personal, and that YOU can relate to someone without... etc.

Hope that helps. Your writing and personality are very like-able, IMO.

deathstroke

Sep 3, 2013

Undergraduate / I can't sport a tank-top;[TRANSFER Essay] - for Harvard, Brown, Dartmouth, etc... [4]

I tried to take your advice to the core of my essay, could you look over this new one, and let me know if you think this is headed in a better direction? This is just the start of a start, but hopefully it's enough for you to get an idea of what I'm going to expand upon. Thank you very much for your advice.

I jumped into this school head first, fully aware that I would get bored of it very quickly. While I have enjoyed my time here, to some minimal degree, it's time for me to move on from being at the top of the toughest available classes and immerse myeslf in a community and environment that better serves my educational needs, and allows me to contribute in more meaningful ways.

I'm looking to hone my computer science skillset and turn my programming passion into a passion for algorithms, cryptography, computer networks, and ultimately, academia.

deathstroke

Sep 3, 2013

Undergraduate / I can't sport a tank-top;[TRANSFER Essay] - for Harvard, Brown, Dartmouth, etc... [4]

Thanks for the advice. I'll try that approach. This was just a start, and really just a way to get some general thoughts down before diverging into what I am looking for.

deathstroke

Sep 3, 2013

Undergraduate / I can't sport a tank-top;[TRANSFER Essay] - for Harvard, Brown, Dartmouth, etc... [4]

I'm a student at University of Kansas and I'm applying as a transfer student to a lot of big-names -- Brown, Harvard, Dartmouth, Stanford, Caltech, Columbia, Yale... the list goes on. I have very strong academics, a full year in my field's industry as a full-time employee, and other things going for me, but wound up stuck here (long story, unfortunately). I'm working on my common application essay and would like a second opinion on a few things:

1) Is the writing style good? I'm trying to be straightforward and concise, but not utterly boring.
2) Am I headed in the right direction? I did my best to avoid totally bashing my current school (had to take out several sentences!), as transfer applicants are advised to not do that.

3) This is just a start. I plan on expanding on this essay (maybe 200-300 more words) to talk about why transferring will benefit me (primarily academic motivations) as well as my next destination -- will that be enough to really answer the question well?

I appreciate all and any helpful and/or critical comments. I will happily take a look at others' content to return the favor.

PROMPT & ESSAY: (so far)

Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve. (250-650 words)

I ushered myself into this school with every intention to see myself out. The daily, unrelenting 90-degree low coupled with high humidity is not for me--I can't sport a tank-top, and my feet are too pasty to pull off flip-flops. A semester into pursuing my field at this institution has yielded a grand total of zero friends, with the exception of my 30-year-old roommate, who is studying Russian, I think. My most prevalent dissatisfaction is I am in need for an academic upgrade, and University of Kansas has too many restrictions to provide it. I'm stuck in a course that assumes zero programming experience, which leaves me bored and desperate for a challenge. Unfortunately, this could be the case for the next three semesters, if I have to stick around. As much as I want to embrace a liberal-arts based education here, the overwhelming emphasis my current institution puts on humanities and non-technical fields overshadows my pursuit towards a concentration in computer science.

I aim to subdue my complaints for good as soon as possible. I'm applying as a transfer student primarily to secure a spot at an institution that better serves my needs, and that allows me to make the contributions that I want to make. The obvious barriers of my current academic development--mainly, an unsubstantial EECS department--will be non-issues. [More on benefits of transferring, what my new schools have to offer, and where my passions will dive into].