I'm a student at University of Kansas and I'm applying as a transfer student to a lot of big-names -- Brown, Harvard, Dartmouth, Stanford, Caltech, Columbia, Yale... the list goes on. I have very strong academics, a full year in my field's industry as a full-time employee, and other things going for me, but wound up stuck here (long story, unfortunately). I'm working on my common application essay and would like a second opinion on a few things:
1) Is the writing style good? I'm trying to be straightforward and concise, but not utterly boring.
2) Am I headed in the right direction? I did my best to avoid totally bashing my current school (had to take out several sentences!), as transfer applicants are advised to not do that.
3) This is just a start. I plan on expanding on this essay (maybe 200-300 more words) to talk about why transferring will benefit me (primarily academic motivations) as well as my next destination -- will that be enough to really answer the question well?
I appreciate all and any helpful and/or critical comments. I will happily take a look at others' content to return the favor.
PROMPT & ESSAY: (so far)
Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve. (250-650 words)
I ushered myself into this school with every intention to see myself out. The daily, unrelenting 90-degree low coupled with high humidity is not for me--I can't sport a tank-top, and my feet are too pasty to pull off flip-flops. A semester into pursuing my field at this institution has yielded a grand total of zero friends, with the exception of my 30-year-old roommate, who is studying Russian, I think. My most prevalent dissatisfaction is I am in need for an academic upgrade, and University of Kansas has too many restrictions to provide it. I'm stuck in a course that assumes zero programming experience, which leaves me bored and desperate for a challenge. Unfortunately, this could be the case for the next three semesters, if I have to stick around. As much as I want to embrace a liberal-arts based education here, the overwhelming emphasis my current institution puts on humanities and non-technical fields overshadows my pursuit towards a concentration in computer science.
I aim to subdue my complaints for good as soon as possible. I'm applying as a transfer student primarily to secure a spot at an institution that better serves my needs, and that allows me to make the contributions that I want to make. The obvious barriers of my current academic development--mainly, an unsubstantial EECS department--will be non-issues. [More on benefits of transferring, what my new schools have to offer, and where my passions will dive into].
honestly, I don't think this is heading in the right direction at all. don't spend your time saying what you DON'T like at your current school, use that time to say what you WANT from a new school. admissions officers can assume that you weren't getting those things at your last school anyways. Don't even waste too much time mentioning your current school, and definitely do not say anything negative about it.
I tried to take your advice to the core of my essay, could you look over this new one, and let me know if you think this is headed in a better direction? This is just the start of a start, but hopefully it's enough for you to get an idea of what I'm going to expand upon. Thank you very much for your advice.
I jumped into this school head first, fully aware that I would get bored of it very quickly. While I have enjoyed my time here, to some minimal degree, it's time for me to move on from being at the top of the toughest available classes and immerse myeslf in a community and environment that better serves my educational needs, and allows me to contribute in more meaningful ways.
I'm looking to hone my computer science skillset and turn my programming passion into a passion for algorithms, cryptography, computer networks, and ultimately, academia.
