Posts by Vin

Vin

Sep 16, 2013

Undergraduate / The catalyst to my mental development; Stanford /Intellectual [3]

What I am missing here is what is the impact of that story towards your development? You write it opened your mind, but you don't state how. You don't give an example that shows this. Also, "reading good novels" is a quite vague term. The essay is asking about an idea of experience, thats more going towards a single event, something like "my sister gave me this awesome Sherlock Collection and I read it in two days", something more concrete. It's no problem to write about reading in general (althoug I could imagine it's a quite common topic), but bring at least one experience into it, maybe to replace the first sentence.

Talking about it, this sentence isn't really great. First, it way to long. It doesn't really has much in common with the rest of the essay and you generalize quite a bit. In the subtext you convey some anger and arrogance which doesn't really make good in essays. But then you say this doesn't happen to you, so what is the point? If this introduction isn't about you, then why is it in this essay? You just have 150 words to describe this part of you, use them as best as possible!

A few minor things:
"James Patterson, Micheal Ledgewick, J.K Rowling, Frank Kafka" -I don't know, but Kafka and Rowling in one list? Seems a bit wired to me.

"some of the greatest writers of the 21st century" - thats just lazy
"once you eliminate all possibilities, whatever remains no matter how improbable, is the solution" - Check that quote again. Isn't it "the impossible" instead of "all possibilities"?

Also, you should check on your spelling and grammar. I'm not the best person to do that, but even I found a lot of mistakes.

Maybe you could help me with my Stanford Essay as well?

Vin

Sep 16, 2013

Undergraduate / I would first like to apologize in advance; Letter to Future Roommate / Stanford [2]

That sounds like a person I would want to share my dorm with. It gives a quite good impression about you, but I read a lot of roommate essays which described funky, crazy and funny people like yours, so it could be that the admission clerk is already tired of this styl. But still, it's one of the better ones i read.

Some polishing ideads:
"Yet, I love listening to music, from just instrumental to heavy-rock music, and always look forward to tasting new types of food. Starting our very own dance studio may not end very differently either" - You go from food to music to food to music again. Switch it. Your transition from music to new types of food is quite simple, and not really witty. I mean, those things don't have anything in common, you just put them together. I would put the part about new food first, so it connects with your cooking skills and then talk about music, to connect with the dance studio.

"I love fantasy and science-fiction movies [...] Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones" - really minor thing: you talk about fantasy and SF, but just give examples about fantasy. I would switch LotR (as it's a really common movie) with a SF movie you like.

"Speaking of movies, [...] Speaking of pie," - To close together to use the same phrase twice.
"worst puns you will ever hear" - That's bagging for an example, why don't you include one there? Or am I just to stupid to notice it :D

But like your other essay, it's mostly polishing, I really like the writing and the essay. Maybe you could help me with my roommate essay as well?

Vin

Sep 16, 2013

Undergraduate / What Matters to You (Stanford): Cooking [5]

Well, the promp does not say what matters most, so you don't have to limit yourself to just one thing. I agree with Denise, although (or maybe becaus) it's something quite banal, you make it importent to yourself. Two ideas I have:

"(loaded with Tabasco Hot Sauce)" - this part doesn't really help your point and disturbes the flow. I would delete it
"the true joy earned lies" - the earned confuses me a bit, it doesn't seem to have a function in this phrase.

"However, this is what matters to me: to be given a choice, options for exploration rather than a preordained route of action to follow" - I would make a period after choice to make your main point more clear and then make a new sentence with the second part

"which matters most to me" - this part is redundant, and may even be a bit confusing. I would also think about deleting it.

But thats minor stuff, all in all I really like your essay.

Vin

Sep 16, 2013

Undergraduate / Stanford Essay: From A Job to "Pass the Time" to Lessons LEarnt - extracurricular activity [4]

Not much to criticice here. Short, on the point but still shows what you gained thru the work. Only one thing confuses me: first you write "over the last five years", but then its "I had four years to refine" - now, is it four or five years?

Vin

Sep 15, 2013

Undergraduate / I spent more time lost and driving in circles than any person who had ever driven a car; Belief/Idea [8]

"The final section, about my actual research, was where I had the actual challenge, regarding going about tackling this issue of autism despite the presumptuous/tumultuous nature of others in the scientific and public communities."

Don't you think that the "actual challenge" shoud play a bigger part in an essay about a challenge? All this stuff about "how you got into research" or "getting lost" is nice, but does it fit the promp? You are supposed to write about a belief which was challenged, how you acted and wheather you would do it again or not. You just wrote a little bit about the challenge and how you reacted. Focus more on the actual topic of the essay, more about how it affeced you. How did you came to your decision? What are the consequences of that decision?

Vin

Sep 15, 2013

Undergraduate / Chain Breaker; SoP: Grandmothers and "feminist" goals [4]

I would say your idea fits the promp quite well. It shows how a certain event influenced your live and changed you. But the latter is a bit lacking. You are more describing your grandmother than you are describing yourself. Remember, the admission clerk want to know you, not your grandmother. She was clearly an important woman in your live, but the essay should be about you. The last to parapgraphs are exactly what the guys want to read. Write more about how her death affected you, not just your thoughts, but also your actions. For now you just state that you experienced that woman rights are important - thats noble, but nothing really new. Try to go a bit deeper, show HOW you're not depending on someone, you run your own live, your dignity is preserved.

I see you are already at your word limit, so you have to delete some parts. E.g. where you are talking about the disseases of your grandma, or also your name could be shortend. Those may improve the image of your grandma, but it doesn't help your point. Your essay is supposed to show how your grandmothers death showed you the importance of woman rights, right? So the main part should be exactly about that. Of cause you should describe your grandma and how important she was for you, but don't make it the focus of the essay.

Vin

Sep 15, 2013

Undergraduate / I spent more time lost and driving in circles than any person who had ever driven a car; Belief/Idea [8]

To be honest, I'm a bit confused by your essay. Maybe I am just to stupid to see the point, but you start with an analogie about living in a circle, then you talk about your awesome parents, about somebody who has done some research which less effect than you thought and that showed you how awesome research is, am I getting this right? I don't really see the connection to the topic. What is the part of the parents all about? You don't really write much about the belife and the challenge itself. At this state, the essay consists of some really different and unconnected parts which makes it really hard to see where you are going. Also, you have many paragraphs all consisting of just a few sentences. That again makes it harder to follow your point. But again, maybe thats just me.

Vin

Sep 14, 2013

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Letter - Schnitzel and Sauerkraut [5]

Hello together,
I just finished my Stanford Roomate Essay and I would love a second (or third) oppinion. I'm an international student from - you guessed it - Germany and thats what my essay is about as well (It's the ony essay concerning my home country)

Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate -- and us -- know you better. (250 word limit.)

Dear mysterious roommate,
I don't know you, you don't know me - that has to change! So, I will tell you a secret. A big secret, nobody knows except you and me: I - am - German.

Surprising, right? You probably know all the stereotypes connected with Germans, and - although I find them quite inaccurate to describe my fellow people - they are astonishingly true for me. We agreed to meet at 3pm at the cafeteria? You will find me there at 2:45, starring at my watch. A poster is not exactly levelled? This has to be changed immediately! We are stalling in town? Expect me to run five feet in front of you. And don't you dare make a spelling mistake in our party invitations!

Luckily, I'm not the perfect role model of a German citizen. You will find my desk covered with tremendous amounts of papers, books and scribbles. I won't get up before the sun does. And my clothes are not from the 18th century. I'll be honest with you: I have my flaws. But I know them, and together we can ship around them and navigate towards four incredible years. We can gossip about the girls down the hall, share each other's Weltschmerz, and be angry about the big pile of homework together. And maybe you can even explain me this confusing game, involving a long stick, striking small balls across a diamond field.

But now I will tell you an even bigger secret: I hate Sauerkraut.
Looking forward to move in with you,

I'm not 100% sure wheather the topic is good or if my tone is appropiate. I tried to make it a bit more humorous, as my other essays are more serious.

Oh, and should I post my other essays in this thread as well or should Í create a new one?
Thanks very much!