carolinemm
Sep 29, 2013
carolinemm
Sep 29, 2013
carolinemm
Sep 29, 2013
Undergraduate / 'pursue knowledge, not a job' - Why Brown? [7]
I think this is pretty good! I actually really it with a little bit of cleaning up. One suggestion: try "Direct my destiny" and i's take out "both directly and indirectly"
I think this is pretty good! I actually really it with a little bit of cleaning up. One suggestion: try "Direct my destiny" and i's take out "both directly and indirectly"
carolinemm
Sep 29, 2013
Writing Feedback / What is "happiness"? ; It is the inner state of well-being and satisfaction! [7]
I think your ideas are pretty good but you have a lot of grammatical and phrasing issues. For example, instead of:
Since of the start of the human being, people were trying to reach happiness! In the different episodes of history, there were different ways for being happy. In today's world, we have many ways to achieve our happiness which depends on the personal perspective of every individual. In general, we can say that happiness is the inner state of well-being and satisfaction.
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Try something like:
Humans have sought to attain happiness since the dawn of time. Throughout history, we have discovered different ways of achieving this elusive ideal. In today's world, every individual has a different definition of happiness and idea of how to get there. A common thread in all these perspectives, though, is the pursuit of an inner state of satisfaction and well-being.
I think your ideas are pretty good but you have a lot of grammatical and phrasing issues. For example, instead of:
Since of the start of the human being, people were trying to reach happiness! In the different episodes of history, there were different ways for being happy. In today's world, we have many ways to achieve our happiness which depends on the personal perspective of every individual. In general, we can say that happiness is the inner state of well-being and satisfaction.
----------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------
Try something like:
Humans have sought to attain happiness since the dawn of time. Throughout history, we have discovered different ways of achieving this elusive ideal. In today's world, every individual has a different definition of happiness and idea of how to get there. A common thread in all these perspectives, though, is the pursuit of an inner state of satisfaction and well-being.
carolinemm
Sep 29, 2013
Undergraduate / ALIGNMENT with my goals not found; [TRANSFER Essay]Common App for top-tier schools [8]
I think it's really good! "I feel that the contributions I aim to achieve, particularly in computer science, are beyond the needs of an established corporation." This sentence felt a bit awkward to me, and instead of "I desire one which supports and demands my capabilities be put to great use." I would say something like "I desire one which supports my ambition and demands my capabilities be fully exploited." but otherwise looks great.
I think it's really good! "I feel that the contributions I aim to achieve, particularly in computer science, are beyond the needs of an established corporation." This sentence felt a bit awkward to me, and instead of "I desire one which supports and demands my capabilities be put to great use." I would say something like "I desire one which supports my ambition and demands my capabilities be fully exploited." but otherwise looks great.
carolinemm
Sep 29, 2013
Undergraduate / I'm not going to tell you I'm the smartest; Yale Writing Supplement [3]
No that is so helpful, thank you!
No that is so helpful, thank you!
carolinemm
Sep 28, 2013
Undergraduate / NATURE TRAIL; Environment where I am content [3]
I think your descriptions are very good! Instead of "the enormous trees" in the second sentence, I would say something like "these light-filtering giants" or "these towering giants". Also, the more little details as you can put in about your experiences there the better- it gives your reader and clearer picture of why this place is so meaningful to you, as well as what you find meaningful.
I think your descriptions are very good! Instead of "the enormous trees" in the second sentence, I would say something like "these light-filtering giants" or "these towering giants". Also, the more little details as you can put in about your experiences there the better- it gives your reader and clearer picture of why this place is so meaningful to you, as well as what you find meaningful.
carolinemm
Sep 28, 2013
Undergraduate / I'm not going to tell you I'm the smartest; Yale Writing Supplement [3]
Prompt: In this essay, please reflect on something you would like us to know about you that we might not learn from the rest of your application, or on something about which you would like to say more. You may write about anything-from personal experiences or interests to intellectual pursuits. (Please answer in 500 words or less.)
I would really, really appreciate feedback on this essay from an outside perspective. I wrote it quickly and it is just a draft, but I wanted to be honest, and I would like the impression of someone who does not know me and can give me their opinion. Also, it is over the word limit and I am worried it comes off too impersonal or idealistic, so I am thinking about scrapping the paragraphs in italics and forming the essay around the rest, focusing a little more on me as a child and how that has influenced me now. Thank you! :)
For the last several months I have pored over books, websites, magazines- everything I could get my hands on, searching for elusive answers to the important questions running through my mind on a single subject: college. I have wondered, researched, and discussed- what are schools looking for? How can I stand out? What can I say, write, do? However, when I consulted my AP Literature teacher, his response had a particularly powerful impact on me by virtue of its simplicity. "Don't do that," he said matter-of-factly, as I listed all the things I thought I needed to include in my applications, "just be you. " I was stunned, and skeptical. But here I am.
I'm not going to tell you I'm the smartest. I'm not. I'm not going to tell you I'm the most outgoing, the most accomplished, or the most talented. I'm not. I am going to tell you, though, that I work hard. I don't just have big dreams, I have big plans, big goals, and every day I am closer to achieving them. I am extremely passionate, open-minded, and I want to learn. I was the girl who read books, Fugitive Pieces, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, Nine Stories, in her closet at night, the soft textures of hanging clothes forming the curtain around her secret world as she contemplated, questioned, and imagined. I still am that little girl, I still want to ask questions and answer them, but now I wish to compose my own story after so many years of reading someone else's.
This year, I have been taught many lessons that have and will continue to influence my life daily. After battling with an eating disorder and the choices of one of my parents, I have learned that my battles will not always be clear-cut. Some will be against people I love. Some of the toughest will be against myself. Hopefully, though, most will not be against anything, but for the sake of something in which I believe.
Additionally, one of the most significant things I have learned is a lesson in self-discovery. I have been blessed with a gifted mind, and instead of wishing I possessed the talents of those around me, I have learned to appreciate my own abilities and genuine love of learning. I am happiest when my mind is engaged and active, whether creatively or pragmatically. Embracing this fact has allowed me to approach school, and life, in a new, liberated way.
More importantly, although I still have a ways to go in forging my own identity, this change in perspective has inspired in me a purpose. I want to build a platform to inspire others like me, especially twelve and thirteen-year-olds who would rather read Salinger, Kundera, and Nabokov for hours on end or sit in a coffee shop observing the stories of strangers unfold around them, assigning histories and imagining conversations, than go to the mall with friends. I want them to hear my voice and find the confidence in themselves that I lacked for so long. I want them to know that they are the future, the ones who see things differently, who have the power to change things. They are innovators, and when their classmates are applying to lesser institutions, they will be the ones applying to Yale, where they will have the opportunity to reach their full potential in a community of passionate, intelligent, and curious people around whom they will thrive.
ALSO:
(Please respond in 25 words or fewer to each of the questions below)
a. You have been granted a free weekend next month. How will you spend it?
I'll write about Italian feminism, listening to 2Chainz. I'll gather friends at a foreign film. Inspired, we'll attempt to create a profound portrayal of straw-wrapper snakes.
e. What is a learning experience, in or out of the classroom, that has had a significant impact on you?
Battling an eating disorder and my dad's infidelity, I have learned that my battles will not always be clear-cut. Some will be against people I love. Some of the toughest will be against myself. Hopefully, though, most will not be against anything, but for the sake of something in which I believe.
The first response is one word over and the second is twice the limit :/ Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Prompt: In this essay, please reflect on something you would like us to know about you that we might not learn from the rest of your application, or on something about which you would like to say more. You may write about anything-from personal experiences or interests to intellectual pursuits. (Please answer in 500 words or less.)
I would really, really appreciate feedback on this essay from an outside perspective. I wrote it quickly and it is just a draft, but I wanted to be honest, and I would like the impression of someone who does not know me and can give me their opinion. Also, it is over the word limit and I am worried it comes off too impersonal or idealistic, so I am thinking about scrapping the paragraphs in italics and forming the essay around the rest, focusing a little more on me as a child and how that has influenced me now. Thank you! :)
For the last several months I have pored over books, websites, magazines- everything I could get my hands on, searching for elusive answers to the important questions running through my mind on a single subject: college. I have wondered, researched, and discussed- what are schools looking for? How can I stand out? What can I say, write, do? However, when I consulted my AP Literature teacher, his response had a particularly powerful impact on me by virtue of its simplicity. "Don't do that," he said matter-of-factly, as I listed all the things I thought I needed to include in my applications, "just be you. " I was stunned, and skeptical. But here I am.
I'm not going to tell you I'm the smartest. I'm not. I'm not going to tell you I'm the most outgoing, the most accomplished, or the most talented. I'm not. I am going to tell you, though, that I work hard. I don't just have big dreams, I have big plans, big goals, and every day I am closer to achieving them. I am extremely passionate, open-minded, and I want to learn. I was the girl who read books, Fugitive Pieces, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, Nine Stories, in her closet at night, the soft textures of hanging clothes forming the curtain around her secret world as she contemplated, questioned, and imagined. I still am that little girl, I still want to ask questions and answer them, but now I wish to compose my own story after so many years of reading someone else's.
This year, I have been taught many lessons that have and will continue to influence my life daily. After battling with an eating disorder and the choices of one of my parents, I have learned that my battles will not always be clear-cut. Some will be against people I love. Some of the toughest will be against myself. Hopefully, though, most will not be against anything, but for the sake of something in which I believe.
Additionally, one of the most significant things I have learned is a lesson in self-discovery. I have been blessed with a gifted mind, and instead of wishing I possessed the talents of those around me, I have learned to appreciate my own abilities and genuine love of learning. I am happiest when my mind is engaged and active, whether creatively or pragmatically. Embracing this fact has allowed me to approach school, and life, in a new, liberated way.
More importantly, although I still have a ways to go in forging my own identity, this change in perspective has inspired in me a purpose. I want to build a platform to inspire others like me, especially twelve and thirteen-year-olds who would rather read Salinger, Kundera, and Nabokov for hours on end or sit in a coffee shop observing the stories of strangers unfold around them, assigning histories and imagining conversations, than go to the mall with friends. I want them to hear my voice and find the confidence in themselves that I lacked for so long. I want them to know that they are the future, the ones who see things differently, who have the power to change things. They are innovators, and when their classmates are applying to lesser institutions, they will be the ones applying to Yale, where they will have the opportunity to reach their full potential in a community of passionate, intelligent, and curious people around whom they will thrive.
ALSO:
(Please respond in 25 words or fewer to each of the questions below)
a. You have been granted a free weekend next month. How will you spend it?
I'll write about Italian feminism, listening to 2Chainz. I'll gather friends at a foreign film. Inspired, we'll attempt to create a profound portrayal of straw-wrapper snakes.
e. What is a learning experience, in or out of the classroom, that has had a significant impact on you?
Battling an eating disorder and my dad's infidelity, I have learned that my battles will not always be clear-cut. Some will be against people I love. Some of the toughest will be against myself. Hopefully, though, most will not be against anything, but for the sake of something in which I believe.
The first response is one word over and the second is twice the limit :/ Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
carolinemm
Sep 28, 2013
Undergraduate / The battle of mind with seventy five other champions in Worldwide Competition on Microsoft Office [5]
I like your message and ideas, but they were overshadowed by grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For example, instead of "I was exhilarated, yet nervous at the same time as this was my first journey alone to a place approximately 8000 miles from my home, with a bunch of four people whom I have met only once." How about: The feeling of adventure was exhilarating, but I also felt the pull of hesitance and apprehension. I was 8000 miles away from home and accompanied only by strangers
I like your message and ideas, but they were overshadowed by grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For example, instead of "I was exhilarated, yet nervous at the same time as this was my first journey alone to a place approximately 8000 miles from my home, with a bunch of four people whom I have met only once." How about: The feeling of adventure was exhilarating, but I also felt the pull of hesitance and apprehension. I was 8000 miles away from home and accompanied only by strangers
