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The battle of mind with seventy five other champions in Worldwide Competition on Microsoft Office


sarthakjain 19 / 58  
Sep 6, 2013   #1
please help with my essay. It is for main common app writing section. Any help will be appreciated.

Que - Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

Stepping out from a twenty hour tiring flight, I felt the cool and humid San Diego wind in my hair and took in my first view of American environment with a big grin on my face. I was exhilarated, yet nervous at the same time as this was my first journey alone to a place approximately 8000 miles from my home, with a bunch of four people whom I have met only once. I was fifteen year old, going to fight the battle of mind with seventy five other champions in Worldwide Competition on Microsoft Office. It was a defining moment for me, for in my community travelling abroad without family is a sure sign of reaching adulthood.

Reflecting on the time when my name was announced for this trip, I would be perfectly honest that my heart skipped a beat. Though quite excited, having never being this far from the protection of my parents and friends was a scary proposition for me. Questions about my well-being, of surviving in a completely unfamiliar place were plaguing my mind. Yet one thing that I knew with surety was this opportunity was given to only a handful of people in their lives and somehow I have to overcome my fears to grab onto it. Through constant encouragement from my family and school and a big helping of internal monologue, I was finally able to break these barriers and decided to board this flight of my life which brought me to San Diego.

Once I got over my initial inhibitions on reaching there, I found myself in an environment of nearly complete freedom. I experienced, for the first time, the opportunity to control every aspect of my life. Despite my rocky start, I developed a sense of responsibility, of how to manage my time between the strenuous competition workload, basic necessities, communication with other people and sleep. It afforded me an opportunity to develop my interpersonal skills, communicating with people from industry and contestants from other countries while maintaining diplomacy and a sense of respect for their beliefs and culture.

Looking at large, I think every child, be it human or any other species, have to one day or another leave their parents and brave the world on their own. Such an event, in many cultures makes them an adult and a respected member of the society. The same is true in my culture. This experience have turned me from a reticent, naïve child to a confident, knowledgeable man who doesn't hesitate to speak up and can stand on his own in any new situation. From this event, I was able to widen my horizon of activities - be it a research project in Singapore, an IT seminar in Australia or workshop organization in rural parts of India. Now I am looking forward to use my strengths and experiences to navigate the waters of college life and eventually become the respected member of society that I have always wanted to be.
redCrayons 1 / 1  
Sep 8, 2013   #2
Hmmmm sounds familiar lol

You have alot of awkward phrases here and there.
"a bunch of four people"
"going to fight the battle of mind"
"board this flight of my life which brought me to San Diego"

I'm guessing English isn't your first language so I'd have someone look over it for grammar.
Erikd 3 / 6  
Sep 28, 2013   #3
I love the development of ideas you provide, however I agree with the comment above - the phrasing could use a little tweaking. You're almost there!

Good job.
carolinemm 1 / 8 1  
Sep 28, 2013   #4
I like your message and ideas, but they were overshadowed by grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For example, instead of "I was exhilarated, yet nervous at the same time as this was my first journey alone to a place approximately 8000 miles from my home, with a bunch of four people whom I have met only once." How about: The feeling of adventure was exhilarating, but I also felt the pull of hesitance and apprehension. I was 8000 miles away from home and accompanied only by strangers
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Oct 4, 2013   #5
I was fifteen year old

I was fifteen years old.

It was a defining moment for me,forbecause in my community, travelling abroad without family is a sure sign of reaching adulthood.

.... "for " is not wrong. However, I think "because " is better :)
I like your introduction, especially the last line of it.... that's very creative :)

Reflecting on the time when my name was announced for this trip, I would be perfectly honest that my heart skipped a beat.

I still remember how my heart skipped a beat from the time when my name was announced for this trip.


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