zazros
Oct 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / Some people think that parents should teach children ; INTRODUCTION [5]
you're just rephrasing the prompt. redo.
you're just rephrasing the prompt. redo.
zazros
Oct 14, 2013
Writing Feedback / "wake up, sleepy head!"; My Memoir : Art is silence of thougths [3]
You should organize your into smaller paragraphs; the paragraphs you wrote are huge. Furthermore, you have a few grammatical errors here and there. Try working on those a bit more. I suggest that you read your story out loud (not in your head) in a slow and clear matter. that way, whenever something don't seem right coming out of your mouth, you can change it to something that fits better.
I'm sorry I can't read your whole story right now as I'm heading out.
You should organize your into smaller paragraphs; the paragraphs you wrote are huge. Furthermore, you have a few grammatical errors here and there. Try working on those a bit more. I suggest that you read your story out loud (not in your head) in a slow and clear matter. that way, whenever something don't seem right coming out of your mouth, you can change it to something that fits better.
I'm sorry I can't read your whole story right now as I'm heading out.
zazros
Oct 14, 2013
Writing Feedback / "Patrick walked into the room and spotted sandy sitting alone" [4]
Yeah and you should change 'saw' to 'seen' and add a 'had' after time (read lesson on parallel structure). I think 'any' would serve better in that sentence instead of 'every' because it just sounds better. Sorry, but my perfectionistic instincts won't stop kicking me where it hurts. :P
Yeah and you should change 'saw' to 'seen' and add a 'had' after time (read lesson on parallel structure). I think 'any' would serve better in that sentence instead of 'every' because it just sounds better. Sorry, but my perfectionistic instincts won't stop kicking me where it hurts. :P
zazros
Oct 13, 2013
Essays / Should high school end two years earlier?; Persuasive Essay (School Assignment) [2]
Hey guys! :) This is my first time on this website and I was referred by a good friend. I would really love for you guys to give me suggestions for better sentence usage and grammar. I am also struggling with transitioning from one paragraph to the other and how to end a paragraph (with a beautiful sentence).
Essay Prompt: Should high school end two years earlier?
Structure: Introduction, 3 Body Paragraphs, address feasible opposing viewpoints (1 paragraph), conclusion
Essay (note that I don't have a conclusion and would really LOVE it if you guys would help me on that and give me some general advice. I'm not really a good writer):
Just because you have finished college two years earlier does not give you the right to laugh at your old schoolmates lagging behind. Or does it? While it is rude to laugh or act superciliously toward them, knowing that you made the better choice to challenge yourself is enough of an ego booster. These days, high school students graduate high school with a number of college credits, whether from AP courses or from a dual enrollment program at a local college or university. If high school students are already pushing themselves to take that many college courses, then why not have them graduate earlier so they can pursue more challenging coursework?
High school students have a lot of potential. They can finish all the work that their teachers hurl at them. If finishing high school in a shorter amount of time requires more devotion of their time to their studies, they are more than capable of doing it. The National Center of Education released results for a survey given to high schools nationwide. The schools reported two million dual enrollment students and three and a half million AP students. There are roughly seventeen million high school students in the U.S, which means roughly thirty-two percent of all American high school students are taking courses for college credit. Why would these students take college courses? Imaginably because they realized that high school was essentially over and the 'filler' courses that they would go on to take in their junior and senior years would be counterproductive. In other words, they were bored to death.
Furthermore, students save time and make the most out of their lives. Two years a student could have wasted with senior prom preparations are spent working toward a college degree, which is significant in his/her future as opposed to trivial high school affairs. Even if the students decide to defer for two years, they could spend doing things that they normally would not have time to do, like perhaps travel the world or study abroad. A great quantity of people would give up mountains to redeem just two years of their lives.
Students would ultimately realize that high school is over and they are not children anymore. Inevitably, they would spend time with college students and become accustomed to the college environment. If not, their time at whichever institution they attend would be limited as an atmosphere in which people pay thousands of dollars for their education would not tolerate childish behavior. However, such incidence would be very unlikely. When they graduate college, they would get a job. A job that they would not have gotten in two years if it were not for early graduation. A job that was initially targeted for an age group two years older than that of theirs.
The notion that high school students need more time to grow and make mistakes is futile. People do not stop intellectually and humanly maturing when they reach a certain point in their lives. Every person makes mistakes and learns from them. Adults are not perfect and they make mistakes as much as children, but their mistakes are much more complicated and less innocent. Students can mature as they go on and take college. They will still be the same person fifty years along the road, regardless of if they finished high school earlier.
Hey guys! :) This is my first time on this website and I was referred by a good friend. I would really love for you guys to give me suggestions for better sentence usage and grammar. I am also struggling with transitioning from one paragraph to the other and how to end a paragraph (with a beautiful sentence).
Essay Prompt: Should high school end two years earlier?
Structure: Introduction, 3 Body Paragraphs, address feasible opposing viewpoints (1 paragraph), conclusion
Essay (note that I don't have a conclusion and would really LOVE it if you guys would help me on that and give me some general advice. I'm not really a good writer):
Just because you have finished college two years earlier does not give you the right to laugh at your old schoolmates lagging behind. Or does it? While it is rude to laugh or act superciliously toward them, knowing that you made the better choice to challenge yourself is enough of an ego booster. These days, high school students graduate high school with a number of college credits, whether from AP courses or from a dual enrollment program at a local college or university. If high school students are already pushing themselves to take that many college courses, then why not have them graduate earlier so they can pursue more challenging coursework?
High school students have a lot of potential. They can finish all the work that their teachers hurl at them. If finishing high school in a shorter amount of time requires more devotion of their time to their studies, they are more than capable of doing it. The National Center of Education released results for a survey given to high schools nationwide. The schools reported two million dual enrollment students and three and a half million AP students. There are roughly seventeen million high school students in the U.S, which means roughly thirty-two percent of all American high school students are taking courses for college credit. Why would these students take college courses? Imaginably because they realized that high school was essentially over and the 'filler' courses that they would go on to take in their junior and senior years would be counterproductive. In other words, they were bored to death.
Furthermore, students save time and make the most out of their lives. Two years a student could have wasted with senior prom preparations are spent working toward a college degree, which is significant in his/her future as opposed to trivial high school affairs. Even if the students decide to defer for two years, they could spend doing things that they normally would not have time to do, like perhaps travel the world or study abroad. A great quantity of people would give up mountains to redeem just two years of their lives.
Students would ultimately realize that high school is over and they are not children anymore. Inevitably, they would spend time with college students and become accustomed to the college environment. If not, their time at whichever institution they attend would be limited as an atmosphere in which people pay thousands of dollars for their education would not tolerate childish behavior. However, such incidence would be very unlikely. When they graduate college, they would get a job. A job that they would not have gotten in two years if it were not for early graduation. A job that was initially targeted for an age group two years older than that of theirs.
The notion that high school students need more time to grow and make mistakes is futile. People do not stop intellectually and humanly maturing when they reach a certain point in their lives. Every person makes mistakes and learns from them. Adults are not perfect and they make mistakes as much as children, but their mistakes are much more complicated and less innocent. Students can mature as they go on and take college. They will still be the same person fifty years along the road, regardless of if they finished high school earlier.
