Book Reports / Grade 11 Comparative Essay Othello and "The story of an Hour" [2]

Iago warns ---> I think it would be better if you make it the first alphabet in capital because it places at the first sentence--> Lago

Undergraduate / 'my country's conscription' - my personal event essay [5]

Since military is a great environment to improve on leadership skills, I wanted I take up a leadership role---> I wanted to take up...

I think you need to put punctuation (comma) after the conjunction that you used. So people is going to read your essay :)
e.i
1. However as time passed, I came to realize...
2. In addition, I found out that it is

Scholarship / I have a dream to work globally; STUDENT EXCHANGE APPLICATION; Dankook University [6]

I've revised it!! how it looks like?

I have dreams to work globally in the field of visual communication design, specifically as a graphic designer for children pragram in television stations and also as a graphic design agencya. Another one is achieving Master of Design in order to travel around the world with self confidence. After all, I strongly believe that before I graduate, it is essential to have an opportunity to study visual communication design in an abroad university to achieve my goals. Accordingly, by joining exchange program to Dankook University in South Korea, hopefully it could be one of my jumping stones to achieve what I have dreamed before.

If I get the golden opportunity to join Dankook's exchange program, I intend to study design about how design communication visual as a visual language for delivering messages or informations could delivered effectively to the peoples; developing logical thinking to effectively deliver information visually; and acquiring intuitive creativity in converting and rearranging information into images under the guidance provided by a great mentor. Besides, I also would like to willingly participate in activities out of the university (i.e study excursions by visiting some building of design, historical building, cultural site, learn about Korean culture, language, etc).

I knew as a visual communication designer want to be, I need to broaden my mind in order to add more refference and experience directly from the incredible design place, South Korea. Further, when I will be there, it is possibe for me to learn about Korean culture, language, and ethnicity. Vise versa, it is going to be my first experience to share about Indonesian culture especially about Palembangnese as my ethnicity to the peoples in Dankook University. Moreover, making new friend from foreign country is my purpose to join this program and hopefully someday, when I have a big project of design--I could collaborate with them. At last, After I came back from study exchange in Dankook University I aimed to share about what I have gotten to my friends in my home university.

Scholarship / I have a dream to work globally; STUDENT EXCHANGE APPLICATION; Dankook University [6]

dumi: thank you :)
so, should I just delete the first sentence of my essay?

could you give me some idea or example how I could come up with a stronger plan?

Scholarship / I have a dream to work globally; STUDENT EXCHANGE APPLICATION; Dankook University [6]

oh, thanks a lot, I'll fix it :)