Posts by kaough

kaough

Nov 7, 2013

Undergraduate / Entropy to Lucidity; Thunderstorm - Where are you content? [6]

thank you, it was a sort of comedic break but i agree with you after rereading it. It seems to disrupt the flow of it all. Thank you for your response

kaough

Nov 4, 2013

Undergraduate / "Let's have bizarre celebrations," ; Common good, Bowdoin College supplement [2]

I must first say that I love Of Montreal
I am seeing them this month in New Orleans and I am super excited

But even with our similar taste in music put aside I really love your essay.

You should put Wraith Pinned to the Mist in quotes just to be proper
and maybe consider revising the sentence starting "Every time i planted seeds and watched growth..." to something along the lines of "watched them grow over time" just because its sort of sounds strange.

I think it would help you focus your essay onto the prompt if you talked about how farming ( in your case ) lets you see the common good in society or basically just expand more on the ideas laid out in the " Common good can be achieved if we let our imagination go beyond simple and automatic tasks, if we start catching different glances of a world that appears to be trivial. " and maybe aim those ideas at society or some sort of community since common good normally refers to some thing for the wellfare of a community or group

however you could definitely take it and put a spin on this common good idea if that would help you keep the tone you wanted

I think you did a great job of weaving together an interesting and likable essay now all you have to do is focus those ideas in on the " common good " idea

Good luck friend

kaough

Nov 1, 2013

Undergraduate / You sound terrible!; My Song Parodies: UVA Quirk [3]

I don't know if you've already submitted this but i like it a lot and think it definitely answers the prompt and has a quirky style to match right up with the content but in the last since the use of second person sort of takes away from it

Besides that i think its great

kaough

Oct 29, 2013

Undergraduate / Entropy to Lucidity; Thunderstorm - Where are you content? [6]

alright I have a good specific event that is actually what inspired me to choose this as my "content place"
I think I will just convert the first part to that experience and then maybe go back to it at the end to close with the same sort of memory based narration

Thank you so much for the feed back

kaough

Oct 28, 2013

Undergraduate / Some students have a background or story; A Quest Of My Own [2]

Saying "the type of person that would prosper your classes" sounds strange
maybe you would prosper in their classes is more along the lines of what you meant

Also I find the last sentence to be somewhat of a cliché just because you always hear about making the impossible possible and such

there are definitely lots of other ways you could convey the same meaning in a more refreshing way

In the sentenfce " As high school comes to a close, I realize how blessed I am to have been able to experience dozens of moments of pure amazement." maybe it would sound more powerful to say "As high school comes to a close, I realize how blessed I am to have had such amazing life experiences while so young and to have learned so much from them" or find another way to not close the sentence with moments of pure amazement which i find to sound sort of fishy.

You have tons of awesome experiences and a neat writing style which makes for a strong essay
I wish you the best of luck in you college life

kaough

Oct 28, 2013

Undergraduate / Entropy to Lucidity; Thunderstorm - Where are you content? [6]

Hey just looking for some feedback on this Common Application essay
I'm sure there are plenty of grammar and mechanics errors but dont let that distract you guys completely from giving advice on other aspects.

Thank you so much

Serenity in Entropy

When I close my eyes I can hear each chaotic splash of falling rain on the roof of my car. I can't count them but I can her each one.

My friend rolls his head around to face me and we exchange sly grins acknowledging how surreal the moment is without cutting it short by a clear cut declaration. Our worries about the standardized test scheduled tomorrow morning and the impending doom of potential college separation are enveloped into the storms clouds and erased.

I watch through unfocused eyes as droplets of water slide around the foggy windshield, distorting houses and bending trees behind it. I anticipate each moment that my blurry scene explodes with light and every muscle in my body tenses as the clouded heavens are torn in two by a lightning bolt. The final track on the CD seems to discern the environment outside the confines of the car and aligns itself with it, narrating the storming clouds and welcoming each thunder shake like a well timed improvisation.

The ticking car roof and the booming sky follow no sheet music. They play a song conducted by nature, run on randomness. I've been listening to this song on and off for my whole life and I still can't predict its twists and turns. After we moved out of my house with the tin roof when I was in fourth grade my ears had to strain to hear the complexities and nuances put in play by storming skies. It wasn't quite the same listening to Beethoven through shingle ear muffs but on my sixteenth birthday I was given my own personal theater, perfect for listening to rain dance and watching the sky tear itself apart.

If I'm frustrated the storm yells for me. If I'm calm the storm puts me to sleep. Occasionally I'll take a friend to watch the show with me but for the most part I sit through storms alone with a mind caught in a paradoxical superpostioned state of pure clarity and of a dissonant symphony of new thoughts mimicking the anarchy exhibited by the storm.

My mother has for years been assailing me with serenity prayers and advice on presence of mind but her soft voice has never quite had the fearsome power of a thunderstorm; don't tell her that. All it takes is twenty minutes spent in my car soaking up everything except the actual rainfall from a storm to wash away all the debilitating ideas and ambitions ricocheting around in my head. The consistent disorder that I witness in the falling rain and the unpredictable thunderclaps soothe the disorder that I am battling in my mind. It clears away the competing mental voices trying to persuade me to do all sorts of things-ranging from rollerblading into my pool to finally writing my application essays- leaving my mind as clear as the celestial vault after one of these enlightening squalls.

It takes all my strength to break away from the now slow rolling beads of rain and the worn out clouds.

My mind is devoid of anxiety or concern for the future. I am not ignorant to the future and the prospects it presents but instead do as my mother and nature have been commanding and fully submerge myself in the present. This outlook allows me to bring original and refreshing ideas into my art and music as well as my school work and all of the ambitions that were previously overwhelming me.

kaough

Oct 28, 2013

Undergraduate / To see all of the little lights; Common App/ Where are you most content? [7]

The style is great and really moves the whole essay on like one would expect from a short story or work of fiction in general but just maybe refine it to where it is more centered around what part of the whole event is what consistently leaves you content. The ending especially could be reworded to where the reader can see what makes you feel at peace and why.