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Posts by awentworth
Joined: Nov 11, 2013
Last Post: Nov 24, 2013
Threads: 3
Posts: 5  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 8
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awentworth   
Nov 24, 2013
Undergraduate / Why is what do you want to be such a hard question to answer? Utexas essay C [2]

Considering your lifetime goals, discuss how your current and future academic and extra-curricular activities might help you achieve your goals.

My favorite day each year of elementary school was career day, the one day a year where you get to go to school in costume. Each year I changed my career, first grade I was a teacher, wearing a dress and carrying a clipboard, which was surpassed in second grade by me wearing, scrubs a stethoscope and carrying a little pink pig. Third grade came and I wanted to be a k-9 police officer, so I wore a police uniform and carried around a stuffed German Sheppard, and in fourth grade I dressed up as a nurse, once again wearing scrubs and wearing a stethoscope I borrowed from my mom. Just as in the past fifth grade came and once again I changed my mind, and dressed up as a marine biologist, and carried around a stuffed dolphin. When ever someone asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I always gave them a different answer. How at such a young age could I possibly pick what I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing, when there were just so many intriguing possibilities?

It was not until eighth grade that I decided I wanted to pursue a career in the medical field. I still waivered on what exactly I wanted to do, but I finally decided that I wanted to be a nurse. In tenth grade I was watching lifetime and a show called one born every minute came on, which documented the lives of labor and delivery nurses, and I finally decided that that's it, I wanted to become a labor and delivery nurse.

From that point on I knew I needed to dedicate my self to my studies if I ever wanted to go to nursing school. I decided that focusing on taking advanced placement science courses and mathematics courses would be the best way to prepare my self for a future career in medicine. I took AP Chemistry in 11th grade, and am currently taking AP biology, in hopes of being able to prepare myself for the workload that will become routine in college, Along with this I took Accelerated pre calculus, to put me on the path to taking AP Calculus BC, the highest level math course that the high school offers, because math although it seems useless now is applied heavily in the field of medicine. Taking AP statistics is a practical course for me to take, because once again it is applied heavily in the medical field. The heavily course load, which is sometimes painful and leaves me sleepless, has been able to prepare me for my future in college. Although it is a lot of work by taking these classes I am prepared for college level work and have expanded my knowledge on courses such as science and math to prepare me for my future career as a nurse.

My future academic plans To set me on course to become a labor and delivery nurse, is to attended a university that has a competitive nursing program, so that I know that I am getting the best education possible, while also having a school that will prepare me for the nursing registration exam. Attending the University of Texas will give me this opportunity to continue on my path of competitive education that will allow me to not only prosper and grow academically but also clinically, to practice the practical application of the classroom learning.

To be a labor and delivery nurse, one must be a team player, but also a leader, and through my extracurricular activities, I have learned to become these things. My field hockey team over the years has become a close nit family, one where we all learned to work together, a first with minor hiccups like conflicting personalities and different interest, we learned how to work through them and become team players. I learned how to be part of something larger than myself and to be dedicated to a common goal. This is true of many nursing professionals having to work together for a common goal. A team player, does not just mean a follower, as well as being a team player, through Danvers cares I learned how to be a leader in my community. I worked on numerous community service projects that bettered my community and became a role model and leader for those younger than me, to encourage them to make wise decisions in life. My Extra curricular activities have shaped the person I am today by showing my how to be a strong role model and leader in my community, but also having the attitude and resources to be a team player, working towards a common goal.

Although I was conflicted growing up as to what I wanted to be I can now answer confidently when someone asks what do you want to be, I respond assertive and with a smile that I want to be a labor and delivery nurse. Often times people respond by saying that nursing school is hard to get into, but with my current academic and extracurricular activities, I know that I am prepared for it and willing to work as hard as I can to become the best I can my future patients.
awentworth   
Nov 24, 2013
Undergraduate / UC #2: Learning About Limitations [7]

Good use off imagery when talking about your financial situation, I would say that the revised essay is much better tha the first at showing instead of just telling. Nice job. The only thing i would say is to having a more exciiting opener, so that the reader is interested, but like i said much better.
awentworth   
Nov 24, 2013
Undergraduate / What if I did not come to America? ; U Texas/ people whose experiences differ from mine [2]

'I stepped my foot in America"- I would omit the my, and just state i stepped foot in america.
[b]"white Christmas ever if I was still in Cambodia[b]

"out. But" either don't start sentence with but or combine them using a comma

good general topic, but the question asks you to descibe a tim ewhen you interacted with people, not just about a time where you were in a different place, so make sure you answer the question and talk about an interaction. you can uses these same ideas, but maybe talk about interactions at school?
awentworth   
Nov 24, 2013
Undergraduate / 'My mom's treatments' - University of texas essay B [5]

Describe a circumstance, obstacle or conflict in your life, and the skills and resources you used to resolve it. Did it change you? If so, how?

Please let me know if i answered the question efficently, no word limit on this one.

My life revolves around family. I clearly remember March 2007 sitting at my dining room crying after learning that we would not be able to travel to Florida this year. Little did I know that this was the least of my worries for the weeks, months, and year to come. This was the day I learned my mom had been diagnosed with stage 1 colon cancer, yet at 11 knew very little about what cancer was and quite frankly more concerned about not going to Florida. In the next year I experienced more than a typical 11 year old would experience, or should. I watched the horrors and realities that come with a life of cancer unfold in front of my eyes. [..]
awentworth   
Nov 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / Nowadays traffic in major cities is worsening. What problems does it create? Solutions? [6]

Very well written, but has the feelings of a sophisticated list. If possible try to explain the ideas without saying first this, second that, and so on. Like others have said you use a broad variety of vocabulary and sophisticated style, but try to include specific examples when possibloe to enhance the effect of what you are trying to do.
awentworth   
Nov 24, 2013
Scholarship / 250-word scholarship essay about being a triplet - feedback [6]

"These trespassers turned out to be my triplet sisters." This is an interesting and different perspective to the usual way of describing triplets, but it sets you apart.

Overall it answers the question and although limited in word count it is logical and a good response.
awentworth   
Nov 11, 2013
Undergraduate / My little piece of paradise; beauty is in the eye of the beholder [2]

The taste of salt lingers in the air, as the sun rises above the Scottish bagpipers in the distant field. The popular beach town is quiet for now, only those who live here are out and about. The clamor from downstairs grows as the time passes, while I pretend to be fast asleep upstairs in my room, when I was secretly out on the balcony, taking in the fresh air and warmth from the sun.

As a child I spent my summers in Ocean Park, Maine, a small beach town situated on Old Orchard Beach. The beach was a popular tourist destination for day trippers and tourists alike. Our house was an old white castle looking cottage, with the white paint peeling, and sand from the 1900s stuck in the floorboards of the porch. The house was rich in character, going unchanged since my grandmothers parents bought it when she was a young child. The house was home to eight people including myself and three crazy and rambunctious dogs, so the struggle to find anytime to myself was a challenge; this was until I found my secret spot.

My secret spot, which really was not a secret at all was the second floor wrap around balcony, that was unused by the rest of my family. The wrap around balcony ran along side the second floor of the house only on the side facing Anconia Drive. It was no where near a perfect spot, but it was the perfect escape for me. The black floor mats stained my skin, and the peeling paint often got stuck in my hands, but it was not the place that mattered, it was my emotional journey that did.

After a long day spent on the beach playing in the cool crisp waves, the sun burning my delicate white skin, and sand covering my body, I would escape to the balcony. What I chose to do while I was there is unimportant as compared to the healing mechanism it provided me.

No summer was ever perfect; unlike a novel about summer at the beach, every day was not always sunshine and rainbows. My time alone was the perfect time to reflect on the day. Fourth of July came with great joy and I flashed a smile from ear to ear out on the balcony, as I could barely contain my excitement for the day ahead. This though was contrasted with the roughest day at the house; the day we found out that my dog went blind in her right eye. Dakota at the time was just a young puppy and acting strange, usually bouncing around the house in hopes of getting to go swimming at the beach, was instead having a hard time remaking her way outside without bumping into every object in her path. The vet confirmed our fears, and her glaucoma had taken over and she would need surgery to remove her eye and take away her pain. This day was filled with uncontrollable tears, as I escaped to the balcony to grieve in peace.

The beach house was my favorite summer spot, but everyday was not always as expected, but the lasting memories outweigh any hardships faced over the years. My feet charred from the black mats and hands covered in chipped white paint are the memories I favor the most, the ones where I was able to be alone on my balcony. As I grew from a young child into my pre teens my relationship with the balcony only grew stronger. I was able to let myself breathe and let my fears and emotions fade out with the breeze. The balcony was a place to call my own, my own little piece of paradise, although it did not look like paradise to others, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
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