I am writing this for the UC Application; It is only a rough draft and I would appreciate any suggestions or criticism.
When I first found out that the money was gone, I began to get worried. Numerous negative outcomes rolled through my mind. How were we going to eat? Was the rent going to be paid? Could I still play baseball? Sometimes, thinking about the situation kept me awake at night. I would just lie there, cursing the hand I had been dealt.
Over the next couple of months, we were walking on a financial tight rope and more than once, it seemed like we would fall off. However, through one form or another, my parents always managed to scrape together enough money to pay the necessary expenses. Unfortunately, that meant my brothers and I had to cut way back on food consumption. On some days, we didn't have anything to eat. In short, times were tough, but we got through them.
Although many areas of my life were affected by the lack of money, some areas were not. I made sure that my academic and athletic pursuits would remain unharmed by the situation. It didn't matter how bad the situation got, I never allowed my grades to suffer. The same went for my performance on the baseball field. In fact, I would say that not having money caused me to do better, as I no longer had a reason to become comfortable. I began working harder to improve myself and, in the process, I learned a valuable lesson. There was never a good enough reason to give anything less than my best effort.
As a result of this newly discovered information, I was able to set my mind at ease. I refused to become a prisoner to all the negativity that surrounded me. Sure, it was still tough and we still had to make sacrifices, but that did not give me the right to limit myself. I no longer believed that financial difficulty was an obstacle, and I started looking forward with the belief that there was nothing I couldn't accomplish.
I think that you need to show not tell. Try to get your reader to see through your eyes, experience what you're feeling...it makes your writing more interesting and effective. Try to be very specific, use imagery, dialogue, and overall be very descriptive.
My advisor provided me with some advice about my rough draft she told me "College admissions officers won't remember a person who says "I've faced a lot of challenges" but they will remember someone who tells the story of that day. When my husband got into Stanford, he wrote his essay about 30 seconds he spent on an elevator. You need to find your elevator story, one that relates back to the talent or accomplishment you're the most proud of" Hope it helps! :)
Well written but you need to add a little more sparkle that sets you apart from other candidates. Remember its how you present the story that makes it pleasing to the readers.
I rewrote a lot of it and tried to implant "show" writing where there had been "tell" writing. I would greatly appreciate some more suggestions and criticism.
That first night after I found out that we no longer had any money was especially rough. I went to my usual spot on the floor, laid down, and pulled the blanket over me like I would on any other night. However, I was too worried to fall asleep. Numerous negative possibilities rolled through my mind. Was the rent going to be paid? How were we going to eat? Would I have to quit playing baseball? For the first time in my life, I felt the disheartening pangs of uncertainty.
During the following months, we walked on a financial tight rope and more than once, it seemed like we would fall off. However, through one form or another, my parents always managed to scrape together enough money to pay the necessary expenses. Unfortunately, that meant my brothers and I had to cut way back on food consumption. On some days, we went entirely without eating. In short, times were tough, but we got through them.
Eventually, I began to take notice of something. Not having money didn't stop me from swinging a bat or throwing a baseball when I wanted to and it didn't make me any less of a student. It didn't matter how bleak the situation looked, my grades never suffered; neither did my athletic performance. In fact, not having money pushed me to do better, as I no longer had a reason to become complacent. It also awoke in me a strong desire to succeed, and I told myself that I had no choice but to work hard and improve my abilities. The first thing I did was cut down on my time-wasting, so I could do more studying. Also, I started spending more time on the baseball field. Surely enough, the improvements kept on coming and as a result, I learned a valuable lesson. There was never a good enough reason to give anything less than my best effort.
Thanks to this newly discovered information, I was able to set my mind at ease. I refused to take the easy way out and give in to the negativity that surrounded me. Sure it was still tough and we had to make sacrifices, but I no longer saw those sacrifices as roadblocks. They became the fuel that drives me to push my limits and they became the proof that there was nothing I couldn't accomplish.
Thanks, that's probably the best advice I've received about admissions essays.
Good use off imagery when talking about your financial situation, I would say that the revised essay is much better tha the first at showing instead of just telling. Nice job. The only thing i would say is to having a more exciiting opener, so that the reader is interested, but like i said much better.
