Posts by buheboljgin

buheboljgin

Dec 15, 2013

Writing Feedback / GRE argument response--Of the two leading real estate firms in our town Adams is superior [4]

Thank you! You are the first foreigner revising my essay! And this is very helpful! Thanks a lot!

buheboljgin

Dec 4, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Will the Internet make schools unnecessary in the future? [2]

voldemortlucky
[i][i]Hi
My first language is not English, may be I'm not good at telling you how to correct some mistakes. However, I can identify some point that may be wrong. Hope this can help you.

Topic 97: In modern society, some people argue that schools become unnecessary as children can study at home via the Internet. Do you agree or disagree?

In this day and age, based on the current impressive pace of technological development, people are projecting a near future where computers may supersede the role of teachers in classrooms. However, as traditional schooling brings irreplaceable benefits for children, it is believed that such prediction can hardly turn into a reality.

There is no point arguing whether computers are extremely beneficial for educational purposes, especially in distance learning. With a stable connection to the Internet, a student can still acquire knowledge, search for relevant information and communicate with his or her teachers and classmates over a longer distance. This technology has allowed people to be more flexible in choosing the time and location that they want to study.

Nevertheless, traditional form of education, which centers around( we can say "one discourse centered around a subject". But is it incorrect that "something centers around somebody"?) a teacher, provides students with human interactions - an element that is tremendously important for the development of children. [By taking face-to-face class/interaction with teachers and their peers in a classroom, students can learn to converse and discuss ideas effectively.](this point seems not convincing enough, because students can converse and discuss ideas effectively on internet too, for instance, on a learning forum. Perhaps you can make clearer some specific characteristics that internet can't provide) These skills are transferable across their future careers and occupations. Furthermore, teaching in a conventional classroom permits teachers to observe and monitor their students better. This is very important as it helps teachers to identify any student who may need extra help and attention to keep up with their classmates. On the contrary, studying over the Internet makes this task nearly unattainable.

In the light of the aforementioned facts, it can be concluded that although distance learning provide some benefits for students, such as flexibility, the role of traditional schools will not be replaced in the near future. This is because conventional means of teaching comes with many perks, namely better communication skills and more attention for students.

buheboljgin

Dec 3, 2013

Writing Feedback / GRE argument response--Of the two leading real estate firms in our town Adams is superior [4]

The following appeared in a letter from a homeowner to a friend.
"Of the two leading real estate firms in our town-Adams Realty and Fitch Realty-Adams Realty is clearly superior. Adams has 40 real estate agents; in contrast, Fitch has 25, many of whom work only part-time. Moreover, Adams' revenue last year was twice as high as that of Fitch and included home sales that averaged $168,000, compared to Fitch's $144,000. Homes listed with Adams sell faster as well: ten years ago I listed my home with Fitch, and it took more than four months to sell; last year, when I sold another home, I listed it with Adams, and it took only one month. Thus, if you want to sell your home quickly and at a good price, you should use Adams Realty."

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

My response:

To give advice about which real estate firm is better for selling a home, the writer of this letter provides several advantages of Adams Realty: more and better real estate agents; higher prices of homes sold; taking less time to sell a home. However, the writer's argument on these three aspects is full of assumptions and holes which weakened the argument. His/her advice is not convincing enough.

First, through comparison of real estate agents employed by the two firms, the writer tries to prove that Adams has better and more sufficient manpower resource to sell home. However, more agents and working whole-time don't necessarily mean better home-selling performance. For example, if Adams has much more amount of business to deal with, its agents would put less time and effort in each home-selling deal. In this case, its agents would do no better job than Fitch's agents. And the selling capacity of the agents of the two firms is not clear too. Sometimes, a talented part-time real estate agent is more effective in selling home than an ordinary whole-time agent. Without a reliable and full analysis of the personnel and the business they deal with, Adams' advantage of having better personnel can't be firmly established to support the argument.

Then the writer cites Adams' higher revenue and sold price to show that Adams can sell homes at higher prices. Of course, selling home at a higher price may result in more profit for homeowner. But the writer fails to demonstrate whether the homeowner can benefit from higher price of home sales. Adams' higher revenue can only indicate that the firm earned more money from home sales. Have the homeowners shared the additional profit? We don't know. Besides, higher average home sales may not be caused by Adams' ability to sell home at a better price. For example, the home sold by Adams may be bigger or closer to downtown district; this kind of estates is certainly more expensive. To strengthen the argument, the writer would benefit from providing clearer report on the home sales of the two firms.

Finally, on the basis of his/her own experience, the writer implies that the Adams takes less time to sell home. However, this is based on two assumptions: the current overall economic environment is not significantly different from that of ten years ago; there's no significant difference between the writer's two homes sold by Adams and Fitch that could cause different selling speed. If the town was affected by economic crisis ten years ago and the business became warm up in recent years, selling homes ten years ago would be much more difficult for Fitch. If the home listed with Fitch was farther from city's central part; older or had worse physical condition, it would be less attractive to buyers and would naturally need more time to be sold. These possibilities can be used to challenge the writer's conclusion. To enforce the argument, the writer should exclude these interference possibilities by assessing the effects of time factor and home conditions.

The homeowner has identified several important characteristics that are important in choosing a real estate firm. However, this argument is full of assumptions that make it not convincing enough. To give a more helpful advice to his/her friend, the writer should carefully plug these weakening holes.