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Posts by hazelhoff
Name: JGL
Joined: Dec 22, 2013
Last Post: Jan 1, 2014
Threads: 4
Posts: 17  
From: USA

Displayed posts: 21
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hazelhoff   
Jan 1, 2014
Undergraduate / The creative minds - BARNARD COLLEGE SUPPLEMENT [3]

wow this reeeeaaally needs some work. Your sentences are all over the place, hardly making sense.

I used to think ?????? what and I guess like most people my age felt that my town was the saddest boring place to exist.

One thing I can say is that what helped me survive if I can say sowhat is this...awkward, too informal, no sense was living next to borderingyou can't say living next to and bordering... that's the same thing!! Mexican city.

I could keep going on but I really don't want to tear your essay apart. I think you can take a look at it again because it seems like you wrote it in 5 minutes. I would never admit this student.
hazelhoff   
Jan 1, 2014
Undergraduate / The cars salesman - common app essay [5]

Both are not very good. All you do is tell, never show...it's all too ambiguous. There should be some narrative. WHY did you and your friend drift apart and WHAT exactly made you love sitting in the passenger seat looking out.

These both need a lot of work, but I would choose the second one as my essay. The first is uninteresting.

You can do it!
hazelhoff   
Dec 31, 2013
Undergraduate / burning congee - YALE SUP ESSAY [5]

This kind of reveals a negative about you...

You burn relationships? That seems like a red flag if I were an admissions officer

Otherwise, the writing and content is very good. You have a good shot if you just change that middle part.

good luck with yale!
I'm submitting in an hour, too :)
hazelhoff   
Dec 30, 2013
Undergraduate / personal ego - Yale Supplement Short Answer [9]

this supplement isn't for yale lol

this is too confusing. Simplify it. Too many words will make admissions officers lose interest
hazelhoff   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / 'The score is 4-4' MIT pleasure activity essay, critique [4]

this is extremely cliché. colleges always warn against talking about "that time you scored the big goal". They've heard it a thousand times before. Sorry but I would rewrite. You can talk about baseball but also think of how many other boys are talking about the same thing
hazelhoff   
Dec 28, 2013
Undergraduate / '...brilliance, wit, and passion for the world. Just like me' YALE SUPPLEMENTS [6]

1.) What in particular about Yale has influenced your decision to apply? (Please answer in 100 words or less.)
Yale's a little bit quirky, exceptionally ambitious, and has a dash of brilliance, wit, and passion for the world. Just like me. Yale also values creative teaching. So do I. When I was walking down Hillhouse Avenue in October, I saw a professor swinging a bucket full of water vivaciously around his head, (hopefully) demonstrating centripetal motion. Seeing a professor take the time to creatively demonstrate an academic concept for his students reminded me of why I love learning. If that class in any way represents Yale's identity, then how could I think of going anywhere else?

Words entered: 97
2.) Please respond in 150 characters (roughly 25 words) or fewer to each of the questions below:

a. You have been granted a free weekend next month. How will you spend it?
After I shadowed five doctors, donated to charity, and traveled the world, I would invite my friends over to watch Breaking Bad and eat Pinkberry.

b. What is something about which you have changed your mind in the last three years?
I have changed my mind about wearing sunscreen. The closest thing to tanning for me is a third degree burn. Pale can be pretty, too.

c. What is the best piece of advice you have received while in high school?
Last week when my computer crashed, erasing my hard drive (and my college essays), I remembered my mom's advice: "Don't sweat the small stuff".

d. What do you wish you were better at being or doing?
I wish I were a morning person. Showing up to school looking like an extra from The Walking Dead is only ok at an all girls school.

e. What is a learning experience, in or out of the classroom, that has had a significant impact on you?
Going to the beaches of Normandy and seeing pits in the ground from D-Day was incredibly powerful. I have been a WWII fanatic ever since.

3.) If any of your education prior to secondary school has taken place outside of the country where you currently reside, please list the dates of attendance, institution, country and language of instruction.

(01/05/2004-02/01/2006) Marymount International School - Paris, France. Classes taught in French and English
Words entered: 13
1E). In this essay, please reflect on something you would like us to know about you that we might not learn from the rest of your application, or on something about which you would like to say more. You may write about anything-from personal experiences or interests to intellectual pursuits. (Please answer in 500 words or less.)

Sitting across from Eighteen, admiring her dark, shiny, perfectly flat ironed hair, I found it hard to believe that she was once a boy named Aaron. There to drop off a donation to the Ali Forney Center for LGBT youth, I listened to her tales of being kicked out of her home for being transgender. From the age of fourteen until eighteen she'd lived in shelters, strangers' homes, and on the street, prostituting herself to stay alive. She calls herself "Eighteen" because that is when she found the Center and reclaimed her life. I also spoke to Angel, who had been strangled by her minister father for being a lesbian. When she escaped her home and came to New York, she stayed in adult shelters - never feeling safe. Eventually she found a home at the Ali Forney Center and is now going to school.

It's incredible to know that a bunch of Catholic school girls wearing blue jeans were able to bring such needed help to these marginalized teens. You'd be surprised by what some girls will do to get out of wearing our plaid uniform skirt. As president of the student government, I've raised around $25,000 dollars by orchestrating "Denim Days." With a minimum donation of $5 (most give more), you can wear blue jeans with your polo for a whole day. We've donated money to breast cancer research, incarcerated mothers, and even the children of Zimbabwe (the nuns at our school act as the mules to sneak the money into the country).

Open-minded and inclusive, my school contradicts the stereotypical notions of Catholic institutions. Last year, my Catholic, head-of-the-religious-department minister officiated at the wedding of my lesbian French teacher. Every year we have an ally week, where we address the biases that may ostracize some of our classmates who have different sexual identities.

When I proposed the idea for a gay-straight alliance club called "PRISM," there was no hesitation in approving it. As part of the club we are required to read the news every day and keep a keen eye on the status of the gay community. When we heard that Hurricane Sandy had destroyed one of our local shelters for LGBTQ youth called the Ali Forney Center, we didn't hesitate to take action - sending love and relief their way.

It wasn't until I met Eighteen, Angel, and the other teens I was directly affecting, that I realized the importance of affinity groups. I saw in their eyes an appreciation of my understanding and genuine concern. I learned that establishing an emotional fellowship is just as important as providing financial assistance.

PRISM opened my eyes to the simple need for compassion and consideration in life. I have grown not only as a world citizen, but also as someone who realizes that change won't happen without actively connecting with those you are serving. Whether a Catholic or an atheist (like me!), or whether gay or straight, this call to action exists equally for everyone.

Words entered: 498
2E). If you selected one of the engineering majors, please write a brief essay telling us what has led you to an interest in this field of study, what experiences (if any) you have had in engineering, and what it is about Yale's engineering program that appeals to you.

Engineering is fascinating to me because it is a physical form of science - you take what you know from text books and apply it to real life. It's the perfect use of my scientific brain and artistic talents. In all of my experiences in the medical field, internships and pre-medical programs, I have found myself drawn to the tools and machines that doctors use to heal people. A surgeon only has his hands to work with, but an engineer can enhance his healing ability ten-fold. Microscopic scissors, cameras that travel through veins, doplers, angiograms - all the work of biomedical engineers.

I spent one year training for the Science Research Mentoring Program at the American Museum of Natural History. I am currently paired with a scientist in the evolutionary primatology department and have been working on a project in physical anthropology. Studying the differences between males and females, and entire species within the primate order, I began analyzing trochlear angles (the angle between the upper and lower arm). Using geometric morphometrics and 3D models of bones, I am collecting data about, essentially, elbows. Biomedical engineers looking for better ways to design prosthetics are doing work that parallels my research.

From vaccines, to nano-robots, to 3D printing organs, it all seemed like the science-fiction behind healthcare. It wasn't until I used the Da Vinci, a robotic "virtual" surgical system for minimally invasive procedures, that I was able to experience biomedical engineering's real-life application. I'd recently participated in practice drills with the regular laparoscopic tools in the medical simulation center at the Hospital of the UPenn, and was shocked at how restrictive they were. There was no radial motion, it was hard to see, and I couldn't feel what was going on. Successfully moving blocks from peg to peg seemed like a victory. The difference I experienced doing the same exercise while using the Da Vinci was monumental.

I would love to expand on the work I've done by becoming an Engineering Major at Yale University. There are many intriguing areas of study in your program that I would like to explore. I am particularly interested in the Niklason labs, which study vascular generation and are developing strategies to culture cardiac muscle and lung tissue. I would love one day to be able to engineer new arteries with stem cells from bone marrow.

Yale has a small engineering department, and individual attention from professors is inspiring and helpful to students. They can advise about research opportunities, and help students utilize the resources at the Yale School of Medicine.

Engineering at Yale is special because it creates graduates who are well rounded and involved in a broad array of educational interests. My passions revolve around math and science, but my identity spans far beyond those areas. At Yale, I can take classes in subjects that bring me joy; art, literature, linguistics, and anthropology. Engineers shouldn't be limited to their majors. They should be humanitarians and understand who they are helping.
hazelhoff   
Dec 26, 2013
Undergraduate / Ali Forney Center for LGBT youth; SERVICE ESSAY PRINCETON [3]

The phrase is actually "reclaim your life" so that isn't wrong...
What is confusing about the "importance of affinity groups" line...it is unclear that PRISM is an affinity group?
How is the essay overall?

Thanks!
hazelhoff   
Dec 25, 2013
Undergraduate / Ali Forney Center for LGBT youth; SERVICE ESSAY PRINCETON [3]

Sitting across from Eighteen, admiring her dark shiny perfectly flat ironed hair, I found it hard to believe that she was once a boy named Aaron. There to drop off a donation to the Ali Forney Center for LGBT youth, I listened to her tales of being kicked out of her home for being transgender. From the age of fourteen until eighteen she'd lived in shelters, strangers' homes, and on the street, prostituting herself to stay alive. She calls herself "Eighteen" because that is when she found the Center and reclaimed her life. I spoke to another girl named Angel who had been strangled by her minister father for being a lesbian. When she escaped her home and came to New York, she stayed in adult shelters but never felt safe. Eventually she found a home at the Ali Forney Center and is now going to school.

It was incredible to know that a bunch of Catholic school girls wearing blue jeans were able to bring such needed help to these marginalized teens. You'd be surprised by what some girls will do to get out of wearing our plaid uniform skirt. As president of the student government I've raised around $25,000 dollars by orchestrating "Denim Days." With a minimum donation of $5 (most give more), you can wear blue jeans with your polo for a whole day. We've donated money to breast cancer research, incarcerated mothers, and even the children of Zimbabwe (the nuns at our school act as the mules to sneak the money into the country).

Open-minded and inclusive, my school contradicts the stereotypical notions of Catholic institutions. Last year, my Catholic, head-of-the-religious-department minister officiated at the wedding of my lesbian French teacher. Every year we have an ally week, where we address the biases that may ostracize some of our classmates who have different sexual identities.

When my friend and I proposed the idea for a gay-straight alliance club called "PRISM," there was no hesitation in approving it. As part of the club we are required to read the news every day and keep a keen eye on the status of the gay community. When we heard that Hurricane Sandy had destroyed one of our local shelters for LGBTQ youth called the Ali Forney Center, we didn't hesitate to take action - sending love and relief their way.

It wasn't until I met Eighteen, Angel, and the other teens I was directly affecting that I realized the importance of affinity groups. I saw in their eyes an appreciation of my understanding and genuine concern. Just as important as financial assistance is the establishment of an emotional fellowship.

PRISM has opened my eyes to the simple need for compassion and consideration in life. I have grown not only as a world citizen, but also as someone who realizes that change won't happen without action. Whether a Catholic or an atheist like me, and whether one is gay or straight, this call to action exists equally for everyone.
hazelhoff   
Dec 25, 2013
Undergraduate / Common App Essay Prompt 5 - jumping the puddle [6]

Really good content here...has the potential to be a great essay. Right now though it really falls short. You are basically telling me that it was a life changing, amazing experience that facilitated your growth into a young citizen of the world. But I don't really see the HOW. Your story is incredibly unique and I think you need to emphasize how unique it actually is. Talk about your small village, and then describe the plane, how foreign it was, and why you were on it. Only until the very end should you talk about how it changed you. The story is what will draw people in. I'm excited by what you can do with this essay, though!!

Thanks for your help with mine! Good luck :)

hazelhoff   
Dec 22, 2013
Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY - MEDICINE, DEATH, ART, SURGERY [5]

I stand right behind Dr. Catalane as he threads the stent-graft through the patient's iliac artery. I watch it slither up the aorta and to the sight of the aneurysm. His stoic manner belies the true emergency before us. The patient's aneurysm could rupture at any moment. Even in a hospital, even in an operating room with the best vascular surgeons in the world, a ruptured aorta is impossible to reverse. The room is dark, unlike any surgeries I had before seen. I tiptoe around in a heavy, pink lead vest that wrinkles my scrubs. The radiologist points out the patient's abdominal aneurysm on the angiogram. An EVAR, she calls the procedure - endovascular aneurysm repair. Today, patients can go home within hours after two small incisions are made, whereas in the past "zipper incisions," as they were infamously called, were a foot long and patients were lucky to be discharged within two weeks. The surgeon carefully expands the balloon. The mask over my face is hot and damp. A hush comes over the OR as we watch the blood flow successfully through the bypass. The surgery over and successful, the patient now in recovery, I'm left standing alone in the operating room feeling a mixture of adrenaline, relief, awe, and a knowledge that I have discovered my life's passion.

My childhood conditioned me for a life in healthcare.



My family is finally able to do a Secret Santa gift exchange this year. Nobody in my family ever misses Christmas - even when he or she is dying. Instead of helping my aunt prepare the "seven fishes," when I was six, I found myself running to the basement freezer to get ice chips for Grandma Rose. Her cancer turned all food bitter, and ice was the only thing that didn't taste foul to her. I remember my father carrying her to her last chemotherapy treatment and the profound frailty of her hands. I longed to help, to understand, to even do something to stop what was happening. But all I could do was bring her ice chips.

Last Christmas, my Grandfather was dying of Lou Gehrig's disease. Every day I would lie in bed with him, watch the Price is Right, and eat the organic tangerines he was proud to have purchased at the farmer's market. Toward the end, he really couldn't talk, and I soon had to abandon tangerines for food that he could more easily swallow. Though I had experienced death many times before, it really never becomes easier. However, each time it reinforces the caretaker in me. My reaction when experiencing illness has always been to be with the sick person helping. As I grow older, I feel less helpless to disease. Medicine is my way out. With medicine I can heal.

Healing presents itself in a lot of ways.



It was in my AP Art class that I found the connection between my passion for the structure of the human body and medicine. My skills as an artist could help me not only as a physician, but as a surgeon. The discovery that my creativity could permeate into my scientific pursuits led me to recognize that reconstructive and craniofacial surgery would be a perfect fit for me. The face is the most intimate part of the human body and healing it combines my desire to give immediate and compassionate care with my artist's eye. When my mother fell last year in the lobby of our building, the trauma to her face required multiple sets of stitches. As I watched the plastic surgeon, I realized that there is nothing more powerful than being able to save someone's life - but just as powerful is being able to improve it.

This year I won't have to care for someone, but I have never been more eager to get back into the OR. My childhood conditioned me for a life in healthcare.
hazelhoff   
Dec 22, 2013
Undergraduate / I remember the first time my lung collapsed; CENTRAL TO IDENTITY [3]

This is awesome...a few grammar mistakes...but good personal story. I suggest proofreading. This really shows your resilience. Only thing that needs to catch up with the story is your writing but nearly there!!

xx cheers
hazelhoff   
Dec 22, 2013
Undergraduate / Why Yale? passionate about teaching [5]

whoops it's this one:

Yale's a little bit quirky, exceptionally ambitious, and has a dash of brilliance, wit, and passion for the world. Just like me. Yale values creative teaching. So do I. When I was walking down Hillhouse Avenue in October, I saw a professor swinging a bucket full of water vivaciously around his head, (hopefully) demonstrating centripetal motion. Seeing a professor take the time to creatively demonstrate an academic concept for his students reminded me of why I love learning. If that class in any way represents Yale's identity, then how could I think of going anywhere else?
hazelhoff   
Dec 22, 2013
Undergraduate / Why Yale? passionate about teaching [5]

I re-edited:

Definitely keeping in the professor thing because it was #1) wild to see a professor do something that crazy at an ivy league and #2) totally true. I totally get the rumor thing tho..my college counselor told me to write about it but it seemed artificial. xx cheers

Yale's a little bit quirky, exceptionally ambitious, and has a dash of brilliance, wit, and passion for the world. So do I. Yale values creative teaching. So do I. When I was walking down Hillhouse Avenue in October, I saw a professor swinging a bucket full of water vivaciously around his head, assumedly demonstrating centripetal motion. Little did he know that his mundane yet bold demonstration had become a moment of epiphany for a mesmerized 17-year-old onlooker. If that class in any way represents Yale's identity, then how could I think of going anywhere else?
hazelhoff   
Dec 22, 2013
Undergraduate / Why Yale? passionate about teaching [5]

When I visited Yale last year, I saw a professor swinging a bucket full of water vivaciously around his head. Little did he know that what was just a demonstration of centripetal motion for his students had turned into a moment of epiphany for a mesmerized 17-year-old onlooker. This seemingly mundane experience showed me that I belong in a school that is as passionate about teaching as I am about learning. Rumor has it that Yale hates my school. Ever since that day I have denied those rumors. I'm not like everyone else. Yale's my school.

Word Count: 98
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