Posts by Cascara

Cascara

Jan 6, 2014

Undergraduate / Event and life experience that has had the greatest influence in shaping my character [3]

Quick revisions here (colored):
I have realized that there are certain factors that have
Drawing inspiration from factors such as struggles, adversities, experiences, family values and morals
As an immigrant to the US
work ethics and values
I was unfortunate
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Note that the prompt asks to mention ONE event/life experience. You included many (i.e., life in Africa, school and college leadership experiences, etc.) I suggest you elaborate more on your experience in Africa only, not your high school and college experiences- living in an African tribe is definitely a unique experience not shared by a majority of college students (i.e., can you give a specific example of a science project you've worked and how it helped you with a significant conflict that took place during your years in Africa? That could polish your essay- specificity is well-liked in college essays). Talk about how you were changed as well and include personal insights.

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Nice conclusion -it's reflective of what you've included in this entire essay.

Cascara

Jan 6, 2014

Undergraduate / "Personal Connections: Architecture and Campus Landmarks" - GWU Supplementary Essay [3]

Thank you! I like how you said how I can make my essay longer. I appreciate it.

I'll return your favor.
:)

Cascara

Jan 6, 2014

Undergraduate / 'new millennium entrepreneur' Career goals and a community and professional impact, ABD [3]

I like your rich vocabulary :)
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This legacy entails achieving, working in a desired career path and fostering a platform for others to realize their dreams.
This sentence seems like a run-on.

goal pursuit
I've never heard this phrase before...awkward wording over here??????????

I've revised some things right here:
Deriving a positive outcome from their contributions in the project, these students felt empowered, developed a curiosity for science, and nurtured a passion to accomplish their aspirations.

cutting-edge

Your first and last sentences seems like run-ons...maybe you could break them up into 2+ smaller sentences?????
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Like Ogunsusi said, there are run-ons here and there...but you can easily fix them by breaking up the long sentences into smaller ones.
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*Would it be possible for you to revise your essay to include a few more personal experiences as well too? Can you also mention more on why you want to pursue this career?*

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Anyways, nice work...it's obvious you've put effort into this! :)

Cascara

Jan 3, 2014

Undergraduate / "Personal Connections: Architecture and Campus Landmarks" - GWU Supplementary Essay [3]

Here's the essay prompt:
Please tell us what excites you about being a member of the GW community. (500 word limit)

Here's my response:

One particular aspect of George Washington University that excites me the most is its plethora of campus landmarks. When I first learned about these landmarks, I immediately felt personal connections toward them.

During my childhood years, my parents would enjoy looking at open houses around the neighborhood and bring me along with them. As a result, I was exposed to many beautiful houses and began to enjoy their aesthetic appeal. This enjoyment gradually evolved into a penchant for watching HGTV and drawing houses in my spare time. Later on, I dreamed of being an architect in the future, with the ability to design magnificent homes. Such early ambitions tie in to George Washington's unique campus landmarks, which were constructed by architecture as well.

Even though I have outgrown my youthful desires and have moved on to other aspirations, architecture is still relevant to my current interests: art and science. Architecture is a bridge between the arts and sciences, two opposing fields of knowledge. The arts express creativity and manifest it in a beautiful manner. Likewise, architecture aims to create structures that are visually appealing. The sciences include mathematical computations that are important in architecture as well: such calculations are necessary for building accurate structures. Architecture is also related to my passion for writing. My writing style is very concise but flowery, much like the principles of architecture.

Furthermore, George Washington University has courses that can support my enthusiasm for the arts and sciences. George Washington has programs in engineering, medicine, and creative writing, three areas which interest me for my college education.

George Washington University's campus landmarks are reminiscent of its culture, but for me, they are reminder of my personal aspirations. These landmarks are all a product of architecture, a former desire which led me to form multiple reflections.

*my response is 301 words long- is it too short?*