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'new millennium entrepreneur' Career goals and a community and professional impact, ABD


Chigozie 13 / 22 2  
Jan 3, 2014   #1
Please submit a 250-word maximum statement describing your career goals and how you can make a community and professional impact as an employee with ABD

Please strongly critique. I will appreciate any help that I can receive.

Pursuing an aspiration to be a new millennium entrepreneur that will strive to make a difference, I have learned that the transformation towards enhancing a more sustainable environment is a continuous process that is constantly shaped by fulfilling the legacy of career success and commitments. This legacy entails achieving, working in a desired career path and fostering a platform for others to realize their dreams. Recognizing that my stepping stone to success was not self-created but was laid by the actions of philanthropic individuals who envisioned a better society, I am obligated, in having a sense of universal responsibility, to trail same path in executing tasks geared towards the betterment of mankind.

Currently studying Computer Science, I strive with steadfast determination to become an Electrical and Computer engineer skilled in designing, defining and applying cutting edge solutions to solve complex problems. Investing great commitment and dedication towards my goal pursuit, I have demonstrated achievements in academics, leadership, community service engagements and research activities. I've implemented a "Reach One,Teach One" mentorship program that provided Martin Luther King high school students the opportunity to learn and apply fundamental science concepts to build electric circuit and functional robots in serving as the Dillard University NSBE's Chapter President. Deriving a positive outcome from their contributions in the project, they felt empowered, developed a curiosity for science, and nurtured a passion to accomplish their aspirations.

My professional services as an engineer with ABD will not only provide me an opportunity to develop innovations that will improve the quality of life but will give me a provide me with a good support system to give back to the community in organizing mentorship program and science activities that will inspire and aid kids to realize their potentials and goals in life.
OGUNSUSI 1 / 1  
Jan 4, 2014   #2
Very nice and well put together. You answered the question fully. The only problem would be with run on sentences, but otherwise great job.
Cascara 1 / 3 1  
Jan 6, 2014   #3
I like your rich vocabulary :)
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This legacy entails achieving, working in a desired career path and fostering a platform for others to realize their dreams.
This sentence seems like a run-on.

goal pursuit
I've never heard this phrase before...awkward wording over here??????????

I've revised some things right here:
Deriving a positive outcome from their contributions in the project, these students felt empowered, developed a curiosity for science, and nurtured a passion to accomplish their aspirations.

cutting-edge

Your first and last sentences seems like run-ons...maybe you could break them up into 2+ smaller sentences?????
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Like Ogunsusi said, there are run-ons here and there...but you can easily fix them by breaking up the long sentences into smaller ones.
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*Would it be possible for you to revise your essay to include a few more personal experiences as well too? Can you also mention more on why you want to pursue this career?*

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Anyways, nice work...it's obvious you've put effort into this! :)


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