Posts by animecomics

animecomics

Jan 9, 2014

Writing Feedback / Corrupt Hope: An argument for fighting corruption [3]

I think ur trying to say that we all believe in ideals that come naturally to us and we might agree in a objective situation but not practice subjectively if this is along the lines of what ur trying to say then I think it can be better understood by the reader if u make these changes or changes along these lines:

organize and separate into paragraphs that have similar ideas in them like paragraphs after the 1st paragraph (which I liked and I think flowed to the next paragraph) your organization of ideas makes it confusing but ideas are good

when you have a string short sentences like: "In it fact, it is the strongest emotion we have. Think about it. All of your actions can be traced back to hope, except those of course which are common through all creatures. Why does a lover calls out to his lover? Because he hopes to be heard. Why do people follow someone with a radically different idea, that is, at the end, not so different at all? Because they hope to be free.

You can put paragraphs/ spaces in between so it has more impact so it stops the reader and they really think on what you have said, if that is what your trying to accomplish you should change it to some thing like this or delete some of the rhetorical questions:

"In it fact, it is the strongest emotion we have.
Think about it.
All of your actions can be traced back to hope, except those of course which are common through all creatures. Why does a lover calls out to his lover?

Because he hopes to be heard.
Why do people follow someone with a radically different idea, that is, at the end, not so different at all? Because they hope to be free."

Then i think you should include examples from life, news, personal to back up your argument, if the assignment allows.

Add 'raised' after diff. people so you connect it more to the previous sentence b/c the sentence after the one about up bring doesn't really connect 'different people' with the factor of their up bring:

"Of course, this being the general factor, another specific factor comes into the equation; our upbringing, from childhood to this moment. Different people "raised' in different societies often interpret the same event in different..."

I think the question marks that you have incite the reader to think but makes them think to hard at what your main point is if your gong to keep these you need to connect your ideas and explanations more as well as explain plainly what your main point is but not to plainly of course.

You can do something to this effect to make your point have more impact. I hope you found this useful in some way i tried my best and good luck on what ever this is for!

animecomics

Jan 7, 2014

Undergraduate / Essay about struggle to fit in a new place and my experience with bullying (help) [3]

This is my 2nd draft, I know it still needs some work but I don't know whether to change my point of view from I to she 3rd person and then make it have more progression by revealing the character as me or keep it the way it is. Any constructed suggestions would be nice. Thank you!

Question: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

"Hey! Who did your hair!"
"Hellloo Naps! Did you hear us who did your hair! Cause they musta been blind!", a arsenal of laughter hurled from my assailant's ship only to sink into my weak architecture.

I was a sensitive child and didn't know how to handle this kind of situation. It was confusing and very unpleasant seeing how I was not really keen on the idea of moving to this foreign alien planet. and was extremely anxious about how I would be received. I didn't know what to say for I never really knew that people treated one another like this without provocation. When I got here I thought I would be greeted and forgotten but instead I was met by a host of interstellar aliens. I didn't know if I looked different from these aliens or if I acted different; for some reason they were after me. Maybe it was because I had weird mannerisms, or was an orange compared to their complexion or maybe I was from the north part of the galaxy but for some reason they didn't take a shine to me. I quickly tried to say something anything so that they would leave me alone and make them feel bad,' Yeah, she is

This shut them up only for a second until they started to laugh until another storm of laughter assaulted my ears. It was like I was in a different galaxy but at the time it felt as if I had drifted into a deep space were things could get continuously colder. Here in this - 448 kelvin space is where I started to freeze; things that I once liked began to loose appeal gradually until soon I had lost the ability to smile and feel any strong emotion. But through my frozen state I stated to worry constantly of what people thought of me . At the same time mother and father earth were in an unstable magnetic shift that would potentially split the world in two. With this news in mind I was

However, for some reason may be it was the fact that the environment was new to me but they taught me something. A lesson that can't be taught in school. To cherish each person as they are; like stars that come in a variety of colors and sizes. And the impact that someone can have on a persons life; it can be horrible and staying or change somebody for the good. They helped me mature, made me strong in my work ethic and how not just to see outside looks like one does in kindergarten but to see someones uniqueness and quality of heart determine the real stars from the black holes. This teaching had made me open my eyes to who I am as a person as a well respected precocious, and hard working person.