twinkinstar
Jan 9, 2014
Undergraduate / Research, CMB/BME, Diversity (Why UofM?) - University of Michigan Essay #2 [4]
MyNameIsSlimS
Don't you think you should showcase a more cautious approach without dimming down the enthusiastic tone of these lines 'I want to change the world; I want to rid the world of all harm, like a superhero. In my quest to become a superhero, I shall start by ridding the world of all neurodegenerative diseases. They plague the world and I need to stop them from conquering.' For example, you can say, ' In the never ending battle against the vagaries that plague us, I want to do my part by helping to eradicate the neurodegenrative diseases that cut short a man's life & his relishment of it.' or you could work something like this into the para.
Also, these lines are jarring; u go to an abrupt stop from a cruise 'we have yet to unlock all of its secrets. I intend to.' You can instead write, 'much is still unknown. I intend to unlock its secrets.' or something like it.
Replace this, ' It seems as if I'm always hearing about some new advancement or information that came ' with 'There is always some new innovation or advancement of knowledge'. Ur line makes others think that you are awed to hear about it but still skeptic.
Replace this line, ' I continue working there in an effort to publish a paper.' with 'I continue to work there while writing a research paper also.' This is because your former line didn't left you room to maneuver & it can come in handy during the interview.
Remove 'in' from 'share in that wish '. Just a grammatical error.
Replace 'and innovate ' with 'innovations in'. You cannot create the practice of medicine; its already there.
Rework this para 'As an aspiring neurosurgeon, I want to unlock the secrets of life -- to understand the mechanisms that make us human, that define life as we know it. Once we understand how life works, we can move forward to enhance ourselves, even down to the molecular level. The applications are limitless -- countless diseases can be cured. The CMB/BME program will let me achieve my dreams and comprehend the complex mechanics behind life.' Try to add the this hugely popular saying in scholarly circles by Rene` De`scartes - I think, therefore I am or its latin equivalent.
Remove this line 'Diversity is important to me in both my academic and student lives.' Its unnecessary.
These are the refinements I can think of.
Good Luck!! :)
MyNameIsSlimS
Don't you think you should showcase a more cautious approach without dimming down the enthusiastic tone of these lines 'I want to change the world; I want to rid the world of all harm, like a superhero. In my quest to become a superhero, I shall start by ridding the world of all neurodegenerative diseases. They plague the world and I need to stop them from conquering.' For example, you can say, ' In the never ending battle against the vagaries that plague us, I want to do my part by helping to eradicate the neurodegenrative diseases that cut short a man's life & his relishment of it.' or you could work something like this into the para.
Also, these lines are jarring; u go to an abrupt stop from a cruise 'we have yet to unlock all of its secrets. I intend to.' You can instead write, 'much is still unknown. I intend to unlock its secrets.' or something like it.
Replace this, ' It seems as if I'm always hearing about some new advancement or information that came ' with 'There is always some new innovation or advancement of knowledge'. Ur line makes others think that you are awed to hear about it but still skeptic.
Replace this line, ' I continue working there in an effort to publish a paper.' with 'I continue to work there while writing a research paper also.' This is because your former line didn't left you room to maneuver & it can come in handy during the interview.
Remove 'in' from 'share in that wish '. Just a grammatical error.
Replace 'and innovate ' with 'innovations in'. You cannot create the practice of medicine; its already there.
Rework this para 'As an aspiring neurosurgeon, I want to unlock the secrets of life -- to understand the mechanisms that make us human, that define life as we know it. Once we understand how life works, we can move forward to enhance ourselves, even down to the molecular level. The applications are limitless -- countless diseases can be cured. The CMB/BME program will let me achieve my dreams and comprehend the complex mechanics behind life.' Try to add the this hugely popular saying in scholarly circles by Rene` De`scartes - I think, therefore I am or its latin equivalent.
Remove this line 'Diversity is important to me in both my academic and student lives.' Its unnecessary.
These are the refinements I can think of.
Good Luck!! :)