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Posts by chessmeister89
Name: Daniel
Joined: Jan 31, 2014
Last Post: Feb 1, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 4  
Likes: 1
From: United States
School: University of Michigan

Displayed posts: 5
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Feb 1, 2014
Undergraduate / My Life changed abruptly / CU Boulder Application essay [3]

You talk about being a leader in the Marine Corps, that's great, but I would concentrate on that a bit more oppose to telling a "life story." Not that it's a bad thing, but I would give examples of leadership right after the fact of bringing it up.

Just seems a bit unorganized. You talk about being a leader, then you talk about going on deployment, then you go back to talking about your leadership qualities. It's a great paper, and I wouldn't change much on it, but concentrate mainly on organization. Allow the transition of leadership and life experiences to flow smoothly. Talk about leadership in the Marines at first (grabs the attention of the reader), then talk about life experiences from deployments, then smoothly flow into how those two will benefit CU.
Jan 31, 2014
Undergraduate / A warrior spirit never die-Naval Academy:Deeper Meaning/Purpose to earn invitation to USNA [4]

Read your essay out loud over 10 times, seriously. Stand in your room by yourself and read your paper. If you don't think it's good, circle it to remind yourself to change it. Read it as if you're reading it to someone else. I've noticed a lot of grammatical errors, comma's need to be put in, run on sentences, etc. etc. I don't believe in rewriting essay's for someone, because in the long run, it doesn't help them.

You need to learn how to write it yourself. But, with that being said, it's better than your initial essay. Keep working on it man, trust me. I see emotion in your paper still, it's not bad to have emotion, but when you say "I hold dear to my heart..." Negative ghost rider. Be more direct. Be strong with this essay. Be firm. Get to the point.

And organize, organize, organize. As I said, they emphasized that for a reason. Your paper seems to jump a bit, but not nearly as much as it did. It should flow, the transition from one subject to another should be smooth. Review my paper. Though it's not a flawless piece of course, I want to show you what I mean by transition: The first paragraph says this this this that etc etc, but my thesis (last sentence), shows what I want out of Ann Arbor - then what do you know, the whole next paragraph talks about competition and what I want out of competition. At the end of my body (main paragraph), the last sentence talks about why i want competition and how it's going to benefit me - because it prepares me for law schools. Then I write a short paragraph about law school; then conclude my essay. It has a flow...
Jan 31, 2014
Undergraduate / Diversity, social opportunities, culture, learning environmen- U MICHIGAN - ANN ARBOR [3]

Diversity, social opportunities, culture, learning environment; all valid reasons to go to a particular college. Honestly, probably the same social and academic demographics that Purdue University and Indiana University, both of which I was accepted to, was going to offer me. I feel neither one of those schools will test me like I need to be tested. So, why Ann Arbor? Because, that's where the competition is at. The quality of an education directly reflects how I perceive competition.

Ann Arbor's campus offers quality but rigorous Political Science professors that make the program distinct in comparison to others. They give credence to the academically offered education. I believe the professors are the backbone of the school; analogously, like the people are the backbone of America. Their strategic ability to test the students seeking Political Science degrees will ultimately define what each individual is made out of. They strongly require students to compete not only against themselves, but against each other, but will also aid and assist the students when needed. All the while remaining highly strict and authoritative in order to protect Ann Arbor's distinction with ironclads. Competition at its best. So, this brings up my next point, competition against students. The Political Science Department will offer diverse matters in political affairs, all of which other students will be squabbling over to compete in. Ranging from internships, to non-partisan campaign (I've done my research; we don't want another "The War on Republic Women" situation) events, I will be required to standout and compete to validate my level of commitment in the available network functions. In retrospect, it's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'll be in an environment of which I can be categorized in by competing against over 1000 other undergraduate Political Science degree students. I want to walk across that stadium which will be displayed in "The Big House" knowing I have competed against some of the most intelligent students throughout the world. And (yes, that sentence just was started off with a conjunction) by garnering a victory in competing against students at the Ann Arbor campus will provide the necessities required for my future endeavor, law school.

Furthermore, The Department in Political Science supports my interests by preparing me for a prestigious law school. The transition from my undergraduate program into law school will be mellower by the formulated skill sets ranging from legal analysis and debates, analytical reasoning, and above all, an opportunity to master my critical thinking ability.

I'm sure who's ever reading this has heard this a million times, yes, Ann Arbor has a high reputation in many programs, one of which I have a desire to study, Political Science. Granted, the reputation isn't what I'm after - I want to live the American dream that's shadowed behind the word freedom, I want to compete. Due to me being a rational thinker, if for one second I didn't believe I could compete at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor's strenuous environment, I would have stopped at "Diversity."
Jan 31, 2014
Undergraduate / A warrior spirit never die-Naval Academy:Deeper Meaning/Purpose to earn invitation to USNA [4]

It's sentimental - but very unorganized. You have the heart, but you just need to put the pieces together. Remember - it emphasizes "well-organized." I feel you have just been rambling on - writing down whatever you feel. We call your type "poetic writers." But, even then, it's a good method of writing, but you have to go back and piece everything together. Sometimes it will require you to delete material.

Take the quotes away from what you want to tell your students. Or, if you want to keep the quotes, bring them closer in. You're not going to tell your students I made it to the top ... and now it's my duty to give them inspiration etc etc. And if you were quoting what you're wanting to say, you wouldn't use "them." You're talking 3rd person. I would just take it away.

You talk a lot of your dreams and aspirations. The academy obviously knows you want to join - but you're not telling them HOW they will help you achieve your goal.

Honestly, I'd scratch the paper. You have the heart, which is what they're wanting. But the naval academy doesn't want your heart, they want what's in your mind. Trust me, I spent 4 years in the Navy. Talk to them directly - don't show emotions. This is what happened, this is why I'm here this is what I'm going to do. Bam - Bam - Bam. I think you're getting too emotional on this paper - which is fine in some cases. But not for the naval academy. They want to see strength. Oh, and 1 more thing, never downgrade yourself - especially in an essay for this school. Shows lack of confidence ("I was not the smartest")