Posts by jojo159

jojo159

Sep 26, 2014

Undergraduate / Body Twist - extracurricular activity under 75 words - Bryn Mawr essays [4]

Vangiespen, thanks so much for taking your time to rewrite the paragraph, very helpful. :)

jojo159

Sep 26, 2014

Writing Feedback / A greater proportion of the budget should be allotted to education and prevention issues - IELTS [14]

Become aware of instead of became aware of
Otherwise, this is a very good IELTS essay. I would think this essay will likely get somewhere in the range 7-8.

jojo159

Sep 26, 2014

Scholarship / Essay on most important engineering (Infrastructure or Environmental) for Scholarship [2]

In my point of view, the most critical Engineering issue that needs to be addressed in my local community is related to infrastructure and is water management infrastructure.

How about this? In my point of view, the most critical infrastructure-related Engineering issue that needs to be addressed in my local community is water management.

For the past few years, each year we are used to run...
For the past few years, each year we are used to running

Overall, seems good!

Please return the favor by critiquing my essay! :)

jojo159

Sep 26, 2014

Undergraduate / Little People & Little Things - QuestBridge Essay [3]

It is the little things that I have always been obsessed about.
There are little things that I have always been obsessed about.
born from an average, middle class family
born in
prided myself for it
prided myself on it
Me - the negligible Hanoian school girl
I - the negligible Hanoian school girl

I guess you can expand more on your last paragraph: how America has changed you, how your family and heritage make you stronger, how you came to love engineering, etc. You wrote a lot about your childhood and people in Hanoi but they seem to have no connection with who you are right now and what you are trying to pursue in life.

Please return the favor by critiquing my essay! :)

jojo159

Sep 26, 2014

Undergraduate / Body Twist - extracurricular activity under 75 words - Bryn Mawr essays [4]

I will critique your work in return! Thanks! :)

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below. (Minimum 50 words, Maximum 75 words)

Body Twist

I twisted my body a-hundred-eighty degrees; the music turned loud. I and other dancers rushed in front and started performing seemingly strange Japanese Yosakoi dance movements: hands clapping, fists throwing, legs stamping. The New Zealand audience looked with puzzle. Upon finishing our performance, an old woman came to me and whispered: "Great job. I kept looking at you!". I smiled. That was the greatest gift for the sweats we had shed in the training room.