Posts by hpharsh5

hpharsh5

Oct 3, 2014

Undergraduate / I always questioned everything, I am a very curious boy - Penn State Personal Statement [13]

Omg vengiespan, you're amazing :)
Thank you so so much for ALL of your wonderful help

hpharsh5

Oct 3, 2014

Research Papers / Research proposal topic for finance, business, investments [5]

I think your answer is in your question
Try out "How has the Internet (or e-commerce, whichever you want) affected business (in the recent years)"

hpharsh5

Oct 3, 2014

Undergraduate / I always questioned everything, I am a very curious boy - Penn State Personal Statement [13]

I see what you mean there when you said I'm deviating off topic...I don't know why I didn't realize it earlier.

But I did revise my last paragraph, okay maybe I did take a few of your ideas (hehe) but it's something
Have a look:

At Penn State, I think I will be a successful student because all the challenges that have been thrown my way thus far have allowed me to adapt to given situation. The demanding schedule present at Penn State will require time on my part, but I am willing to work hard and take on the hurdles in my way to become another one of Penn State's successful graduates.

I think it's certainly better than the original and the other one I posted up yesterday...what do you think? (By the way, I only have about 100 words without this conclusion until I reach the 500 word limit)

hpharsh5

Oct 2, 2014

Undergraduate / I always questioned everything, I am a very curious boy - Penn State Personal Statement [13]

Thanks for the feedback guys!!
I came up with a conclusion for my essay. I didn't know what to put in, so I pretty much just said why I like science...

Science has always intrigued me, it's one of those things where there is always more to discover, more to learn about and more to teach! It answers our "why" questions, "why is the sky blue?", "why do balls fall down?" It provides logic and sense and order to what might otherwise seem chaotic, making the complex things in life simple to understand. The experimental outcomes that seem like they're pulled right out of fiction books never cease to amaze me. Science, in my opinion, is simply beautiful.

hpharsh5

Oct 1, 2014

Undergraduate / I always questioned everything, I am a very curious boy - Penn State Personal Statement [13]

I've changed the format a little bit and added two paragraphs to it, here's what I have;

Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or academic records. We suggest a limit of 500 words or fewer.

Being the son of a businessman and the brother of a girl with a major in international business, my fascination with science was unique to my family. My teacher in primary school would always show the class various videos about the different fields of science. I learnt about the polar properties of water and how atoms make up everything around us when I was in grade six.

Being the odd one out in my family, I was always asked "Harsh, you're doing well in your business related subjects, why not try and pursue accounts or business as a career?" I always refused. I never wanted a boring desk job that anyone could do. I wanted something different, something unique, something not everyone in this world could do. I always wanted to be different, a shining star in a sky full of black.

My interest in science has always been great from the start, and it has never ceased to amaze me in every way possible. I tend to pursue everything that I love and will not stop until I attain it fully.

I think that one of my most favorite task that I have undertaken is the school's World Water Day challenge. My friends and I created a team to tackle this year's theme, "Water and Energy". I thought the best way to do this was to write up a paper explaining how hydroelectric power works, but one of my friends decided to take this a step further and said we should include a mini model as well. Of course I was disappointed that my idea was shut off and pushed aside, but I realized that we all have to make sacrifices in a team. My friend's idea was good, but we had no idea where to begin, so after a little bit of internet research and some physics knowledge, we decided to create a water turbine that used electromagnetic induction to create electricity. The turbine was connected to a magnet surrounded by coils, and when the turbine spun, so did the magnet. This would cause the magnetic field lines to cut the coils of wires and induce a current. On submission of the model, we found that it produced 0.2V. It was a major breakthrough and we ended up winning the competition.

It was a tough task, but in the end, out persistence and hard work had paid off as we emerged victorious, even though we only competed against two other people, it was victory nonetheless. We worked as a team, put our brains together, and created this turbine showing how water can be used to generate electricity. We put our minds to it and succeeded in what seemed almost impossible at the time.

I already see a little bit of a problem, my transition from my family to my project is pretty rusty. I still don't know how to fix that, maybe you could help? But I think this shows my ability to work in a team with my friends and that I have the maturity to make sacrifices for the better of the team.

What do you think? Better than the original or not?

hpharsh5

Oct 1, 2014

Undergraduate / 'Whenever you plan, you should always start early, since anything can happen'; CommonApp essay [3]

Thank you so much for your help, I really appreciate it :)
I love what you did with the essay and I will definitely use it :)

hpharsh5

Oct 1, 2014

Undergraduate / 'Whenever you plan, you should always start early, since anything can happen'; CommonApp essay [3]

Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons did you learn?

The annual talent show is held at school about halfway through every academic year. In my second year of high school, my friends and I decided to form a band and participate by performing a famous rock song. We decided to meet up about two weeks before the actual event to decide on a song and have our first practice. As time passed, we got better and started to sound better, but our lead singer decided to drop out since he felt afraid. Our attempts to persuade him into going through with this were all in vain. We quickly made last minute plans with somebody else who was willing to sing, but his voice did not match the tone of the song, so we were forced to change songs about a week before the talent show. It was a simple song and everybody quickly learned how to play it and the day before the talent show, we felt as if we were ready to perform.

The day of the talent show came around and we walked on stage with nervousness written over our faces. The performance started off well and the crowd was singing along and cheering for us, and as we neared the end of the song, it was time for my solo, my time to dazzle the crowd with my guitar. Engrossed in the rhythm of our song and the crowds chanting, I didn't realize that I was supposed to be playing. My band members kept playing as if nothing was wrong, but the lead singer was frantically signaling to me to start playing my solo. I realized what was happening and started playing. My solo didn't sound very good since it was both out of rhythm and out of tune since I kept playing the wrong notes. Fear took over and I realized that the crowd went silent and they all heard my horrible solo. I felt like crying on stage, but fortunately for me, I kept my emotions intact. I had failed and walked off the stage in shame along with the rest of my band. The rest of that day, I refused to talk about my performance with anyone, and kept my failure hidden from my family.

I had failed at what I thought I was good at, and after that incident, I did not touch my guitar for almost three months. It sat in my closet, gathering dust. I did not want to look at it since it reminded me about my embarrassment on stage in front of eight hundred people. I swore to myself that I would never play my guitar in front of another crowd again in fear that I would make a fool of myself again. Even though we weren't intending on winning the competition, I still felt as if I had let my team down and made us lose our shot at first place.

Looking back today, I've realized that whenever you plan for an event, whether formal or not, you should always start early since anything can happen. Furthermore, you should have a backup and always be prepared for the worst case scenario, no matter how unlikely it seems at the time. Today, I can play my guitar with confidence in front of my family or a small group of friends, but I don't think I'm going to get up on a stage in front of eight hundred people anytime soon. I rushed into it and I think that you should always take small steps before diving into the deep end of things. The most important lesson that I learned from this incident was to never succumb under pressure since it causes unnecessary stress and can have major consequences. I think the failure was worth it, because in the end, it really helped me to become a better person and learn a few new things.

Feedback/thoughts on how I could improve it would be greatly appreciated, thanks :)

hpharsh5

Oct 1, 2014

Writing Feedback / Discuss your academic goals and how American University would help you achieve them?? [3]

Your essay is good, but there are a few things I'd recommend you revise;
"It is what drives my passion for life and exploration further"
I suggest you say "passion for life and further exploration". You might also want to build up on this, telling the admissions officer what you mean by "further exploration", this would let them know what you want out of this university.

"opportunity to explorethehistory"

"The sharing and listening of opinions is highly encouraged"
This obviously implies that the university is a very friendly place, right? I think the way you put it sounds a little off key with the rest of the essay, you might want to revise that.

Overall, I like your essay very much, but I think you could improve it a little (or a lot). You might also want to add MORE of what the question asks you about, "Your academic goals and how American university will help you achieve them". For example, say that you wanted to do a double major in Literature and World History, you could say something along the lines of "Due to the incredible flexibility that American University offers, I will be able to pursue both Literature and World History". Try to praise the university when referring to "How American University will help you achieve your goals", and show them that you've done your research and know what you like about their university. But also keep in mind that you don't want to wander off too much and end up NOT answering the question, make sure you let them know what you want out of the university as well.

Good Luck!!

hpharsh5

Oct 1, 2014

Undergraduate / I always questioned everything, I am a very curious boy - Penn State Personal Statement [13]

I rewrote the majority of my essay as you said, and I also decided to add to that first paragraph. Here's the revised version

hpharsh5

Oct 1, 2014

Scholarship / My personal, academic, challenges, and leadership essays [8]

First things first, I think you should really make ALL of your essays 1 paragraph long, because honestly, 100 words doesn't leave much room for paragraphing and the fact that your paragraphs are 1 or 2 sentences long shows poor structure of your essays. Another thing, you should also try to review your grammar, use correct capitalization and respect the tense. I noticed that in your last essay you shifted from past to present, which should really be fixed ASAP.

'''If you want to reach a goal, you must see the reaching in your own mind before you actually arrive at your goal''- Zig Ziglar

From tender age, i have wanted to hone my intellectual to acquire in-depth competence in stream of engineering in an institution that would prepare me for the engineering future ahead and i believe i have planned the road ahead and now is the time to journey.

Poverty alleviation schemes driven by indigenous engineering innovations had been my long term personal goal as i have always wanted to stand as a pinnacle of hope for my community.'

Use 'I', not 'i'. Saying "wanted to hone my intellectual" makes no sense, I'd suggest saying something like "I have always wanted to hone my intellectual side". Don't say "in-depth competence in stream of engineering in an institution", say something more like "in-depth competence in the stream of engineering at an institution". Again, saying "would prepare me for the engineering future" doesn't make much sense. Say something more like "will prepare me for a future in engineering". Saying "i have planned the road ahead and now is the time to journey." sounds a little weird. I 'd say something like "I believe I have planned my future and feel like now is the time to make it come true". Or something like that...

Last but not least, in your last sentence, use "have" instead of "had" and say "the pinnacle of hope" and not "a pinnacle of hope"

'As i was walking in the darkness of my thought, the question that ran through my mind was ''Emmanuel, what are you doing in science class?.'' As i couldn't resist the thought that i failed mathematics, a subject one must pass before one could promote to the next class.

I never truly understood the meaning of ''Practice makes perfection'' until i started self-study that i barely sleep for 6-hours during the first term holiday.

The practice paid-off, i was promoted to the next class and also acquired great mathematical skills that had tutor students who had acquired great feats.'

I've simply edited this one to this --> "As I walked in the darkness of my thought, the question that ran through my mind was ''Emmanuel, what are you doing in science class?.'' I couldn't resist the thought of failing mathematics, a subject that one must pass before one could be promoted to the next class.

I never truly understood the meaning of ''Practice makes perfection'' until I started a self-study where I barely slept for 6-hours during the first term holiday.

Fortunately, the practice paid-off, I was promoted to the next class and also acquired great mathematical skills that let me tutor students who have acquired great feats."

"In area of leadership, i was an executive and co-founder of mathematics students association of Ijaiye Ojokoro senior high school(MATHSA). The main goal why we created the group was to support, teach and encourage students to acquire in-depth competence in mathematics.

As one of the executives who have represented the school in various competitions and also have vast knowledge of mathematics, I'm always appointed to tutor students with difficulties in mathematics.

Over the years, the outcome of this group had been great as we had tutor and produced many students that have acquired stable feat in calculating subjects."

Again, i just edited it --> "Playing a role in leadership, I was an executive and co-founder of the Mathematics Students Association of Ijaiye Ojokoro senior high school (MATHSA). The main goal pf the group was to support, teach and encourage students to acquire in-depth competency in mathematics.

As one of the executives who has represented the school in various competitions and also has a vast knowledge of mathematics, I'm always appointed to tutor students with difficulties in mathematics.

Over the years, the outcome of this group has been great as we have tutored many students who have acquired stable feats in calculating subjects."

I hope it helps :)

hpharsh5

Oct 1, 2014

Undergraduate / I always questioned everything, I am a very curious boy - Penn State Personal Statement [13]

Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or academic records. We suggest a limit of 500 words or fewer.

Being the son of a businessman and the brother of a girl with a major in international business, my fascination with science was unique to my family. My teacher in primary school would always show the class various videos about the different fields of science. I learnt about the polar properties of water and how atoms make up everything around us when I was in grade six. Math was always my favorite subject, it was the only thing that I was good at in primary, and my love for the subject grew with time.

I always questioned everything, I am a very curious boy, but sometimes my curiosity would reveal things that hurt, hence they say "curiosity killed the cat." It's true, one's curiosity can get the better of oneself and this can have disastrous consequences. I know this personally, but the most important thing is to learn and move on.

[...]