Posts by Wowzy

Wowzy

Oct 19, 2014

Undergraduate / I have become best friends with a stationary saw - I feel great working on my tiny house. [4]

Hi! I like your topic! However, the first thing I noticed is the repetition of "tiny house." I think you should try to replace some occurrences of this word with "this project" or some similar synonym. Also, I noticed your essay is a bit jumbled. You start with describing the house, then explaining why you chose to build a house, then (kind of) explaining your environment with bits of insight tossed in here and there. I believe you should move your description of the barn you worked in to the start of the essay and expand on the details of the barn especially since that's what the prompt asks for. Make sure we can picture where you're working. (For the last few months, I've been living in a cluttered old barn...) Then move on to explain the house you're building with detail (what color? what architectural style? etc?) Instead of saying "Tiny houses also fit all of my interests," say something like "this tiny house represents the accumulation of everything I've learned in high school." (see blue)

~~"Why on earth would I build a house in my backyard? My parents skeptically asked me the same question several months ago.Around the same time,~~ I was thinking about what I might work on for my Senior Culminating Project, a requirement of my high school. Why not build a tiny house? Building a tiny house would utilize all I learned in highschool. I had all the resources on the internet at my fingertips. I had the time, the space, and a summer job at NOAA to help pay for the materials. I had spent hours pouring over tiny house YouTube tours, blogs, and floor plans. So I began building a tiny house, oblivious to what lay ahead of me."

Cut out the rhetorical question and irrelevant response. The part in green you should rewrite as something more positive versus oblivious. Or maybe like "oblivious to the challenges that lay in store."

Hopefully this gets you started. Overall, you need to make sure everything in your essay is in chronological order and is organized. Also, try to write in present tense if you can help it. Writing in future tense is strange, it's even stranger when you mix in past tense as well. Last thing, make sure you write about the place or environment and what it means to you to work in an old barn, don't emphasize the tiny house over the environment. Write how the environment allowed you to build the tiny house.

P.S. You never quite expanded on why a stationary saw became your best friend...was it your primary tool? was it passed onto you? etc.

Wowzy

Oct 19, 2014

Undergraduate / High In the Sky--Common App: An environment where I'm perfectly content and what it means to me [4]

Do you recommend cutting out the destination paragraph? I'm worried I won't know what to write in the void that'll be left behind if I start deleting things.

Wowzy

Oct 19, 2014

Writing Feedback / The Feeling Of My Father - The first one optimism was chosen [3]

Meep! Hello! This essay feels quite structured and basic. Try to give specific examples about your dad. What did he survive exactly (Great Depression? WW2? Poor?) Lots of little grammar errors but overall I see a lot of potential in terms of insight if you're willing to put in some work. Also, I don't know the prompt and I'm assuming he's deceased? You didn't make that part clear.

There were two things I have learned from my father. You can find a better way to say this. Assuming your father is dead, "Though my father passed away X years ago, I still live by the lessons he imparted in me..."

The first one was remaining optimistic . In my memory,my father was a tough person who survived the tough times (example).~~He has done lots of job when he was young which made me thought he owned many experienes and stories.~~ When I was a kid,he used to talk to me about some places he had been tp (where) and never forgot to bring me a gift.For example,a model boat from X,a necklace (from Y) or a bag (from Z).~~Those accessories remained in my collecting box~~ . (I still treasure these precious momentos...) He taught me that optimistism was not a luxury,it was a necessity.A few years ago,he was diagnosed with cardiovascular disease .It got ~~a little~~ harder for him to take his medicines everyday. ~~at the very beginning.~~ I saw him struggle more and more,but he never complained about his pain .He ~~just woke up a little earlier~~would wake up early and ~~went jogging~~jog every morning until he ~~got much~~felt better.He was grateful for what he had: my mom,my older brother and me.That`s optimism.

The second one was to be independent.My father was always looked immaculate.He deemed that keeping clean and tidy was indispensable to cultivating good habits.~~Besides,I couldn`t rely on them all the time.~~I couldn't rely on my parents all the time I ~~used to clean~~ cleaned my room on my own.~~I felt appreciated that I remained deal with different situations on my own because of what he taught me.~~I was proud I could deal with different situations on my own (example) If I got into trouble,the most important things I need to do was not asking for his forgiveness.~~What I was supposed to do~~It was find a solution, fix it, and learn a lesson from the my mess .Only in this way could I grow up.

~~In a whole,~~ My father was the most important model in my life.I was raised with all I need: love and strong values. That`s a precious gift that only a father could give.

Once again, you have a lot of potential to make this a nice heart wrenching essay but you need to be specific and explain how you have applied these values into your life, not just your dad's.

Wowzy

Oct 19, 2014

Undergraduate / While growing up, I never understood the foreign phenomenon of college pride - Personal Statement [2]

Okie dokie, first time posting! I'm not too much of an essay writer myself but I can point out some basic stuff.
Walking into Lane Stadium for the first time, I immediately felt that Hokie community,and a sense of belongingness to a school that I didn't even attend.

That Hokie community what? I think you forgot to expand on this point. The part in blue I feel you put too early in the statement without explaining why you felt a sense of belonging (not belongingness). Luckily your next sentence few sentences support that statement so you should chronologically rearrange your sentences, first describe the experience then say as a result you felt a sense of belonging.

Also I don't think you really explained what college pride is... What at the open house(?) showed you college pride? Was it the friendliness of the Virginia Tech students? The professors? Did the school put on a cheer performance? What specifically at Virginia Tech impressed you or showed you the enrolled students had pride? Anyone can say they love the students and hope to be part of a community at any university.

Last thing, just a stylistic opinion, but I think you should change "I only dream..." to something like "I hope to..." or "I look forward to..." Something more positive. "Dream" might imply that you think it's out of your league or that you're completely consumed with going to Virginia Tech. I hope this post is the first step towards improving your essay! Good luck!

Wowzy

Oct 17, 2014

Undergraduate / High In the Sky--Common App: An environment where I'm perfectly content and what it means to me [4]

Hi everyone! For this common app essay, I tried to write about airplanes and what it meant to fly in one. I'm worried I may have taken it too literally or that it's too broad or it's too narrative. Did I actually answer the prompt...? Constructive criticism is very much appreciated, thanks for your time!

Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?

High in the sky, I watch as the world below becomes insignificant, the bottom of a vast ocean without limits. Looking out the frosty porthole, I leave life's problems on the ground. I marvel at a world where clouds replace mountains, the sun always shines, and the horizon bends. Of course, the blissful wonder only lasts a few hours and happens sparingly but the infrequency of airplane flights makes every aerial excursion that much more gratifying. There's no place I rather be than soaring through the sky in a pressurized bubble of peace.

There's something truly unique about taking an airplane flight that most travel weary passengers don't consciously acknowledge. Something about shooting through the air in long metal box fueled by liquid dinosaurs while miles high and traveling near Mach 1 puts me in a state of awe. It's strange to say I enjoy being crammed in economy class seated next to sweaty, disgruntled strangers while being serviced by mild mannered flight attendants. What people see as a hellish cargo trip I see as an escape from my earthly tethers, a chance to literally fly away from my problems.

The experience starts with the checking in. Seeing my luggage checked and my ticket printed, I feel as though I'm embarking on a grand journey, with my carry-on as my sole possession. As I cross the bridge into the plane, I know I've passed the point of no return. Nothing is quite as exhilarating as searching for my seat except, perhaps, when I find out I have the prized window seat with its magnificent views. Once I find my seat, it becomes a guessing game: who will sit next to me? A man? A woman? Maybe my soul mate? It's always a daring challenge to introduce myself to my fellow travelers, but the stories they tell make every flight a unique fairytale to remember.

The wonder begins as the plane turns onto the runway and picks up speed. If I'm in the window seat, I can watch the world turn into a blur and slowly tilt as the plane lifts off. My worries are blown away and I visualize breaking free of the chains that hold me to the earth.

With every ascending mile, I gain a new perspective of the world. Suddenly, all my teenage worries: homework, parents, and work are dwarfed compared to the vast land that spreads below. Only flying through the serene sky do I have the perspective to contemplate about issues greater than myself. I've always been a visual learner and seeing regions of entire countries from the air makes me realize the scale governments must face to manage so much territory, the incredible difficulty uniting a whole county of different ethnicities, the vast distances that divide us, and the importance of protecting nature's beauties. Every flight I've flown I have pondered without fail: if only everyone could see how beautiful Earth looks from an airplane, only then could they realize how precious our planet is.

The most important part of an airplane flight is not just the journey, but also the destination. The landing of the plane signals a new chapter in my great journey, whether it be the familiar skyline of the San Francisco to the cosmopolitan metropolis of Sydney to the tropical shores of Nadi, Fiji. As I step off the plane I breathe a lungful of the foreign air, knowing my enlightened flight has ended. But from all endings come new beginnings. The sky is limitless with opportunities and every flight takes me to a new opportunity, a chance to explore, to learn, to enrich myself.

Isn't it strange? An airplane flight costs a pretty penny, yet there's no place I rather be.